You just made my list!

It’s amazing that an actor trying to be cartoonishly annoying can’t even come close to being as annoying as the real Guy Fieri. Very funny though. Thanks to Ken for tipping me off to this nice piece of Guy Fieri bashing. Sadly, Guy Fieri is too fucking dumb to realize this is a joke on him. He will see this and think “Am I really THAT money?”

Fuck me.

From as far back as 2008, the entertainment world has been clamoring to find a talent impressive and worthy enough to appear side-by-side with the always impressive Guy Fieri. Well, I don’t know how they did it or what kind of crazy backroom deals went down but they finally found a personality to rival the great Fieri. I am speaking, of course, of the Aflac duck.

Not since Lennon & McCartney, Scorsese & De Niro, Bert & Ernie or Zack Morris & A.C. Slater has the world seen such magical chemistry explode all over its face from an on-screen duo. Imagine if David Lee Roth and Jesus Christ formed a band… Yeah, it’s THAT good.

I have to admit, I never thought I would ever see anyone match the staggering charisma of Sir Guy Fieri but that duck manages to somehow hold his own and, dare I say it, he even manages to out-act Fieri in a few scenes. I know, I know, it’s sacrilege to suggest anyone’s talent could equal Fieri’s but please understand, I’m not saying Guy Fieri wasn’t brilliant in this commercial, I merely have to give credit to the duck for a truly brave performance.

Hey Guy, Billy Idol called and he wanted to let you know the Stray Cats called and they want their bowling shirts back.

I hate to admit this, but I feel it is my duty to be honest. I finally saw the new Guy Fieri game show “Minute to Win It” and I kind of liked it. Not only did I like the show, but I thought Guy was actually a good host. Should I kill myself?

I tuned in so I could write about how much I hated it, and the next thing I know, I was totally on the edge of my seat watching this lady balance plastic cups. Then, out of nowhere, I find myself LAUGHING at some of Guy Fieri’s jokes! Am I in a coma experiencing some twisted dream or is it because this is April fools’ day? I’m thinking it’s the latter you big dumb idiot. Of course I still fucking hate that dime store, rockabilly nut sack.

Fart.

I know I have already given Guy Fieri a permanent home on my list but last night he said something that shook my very soul. It’s painfully obvious from this douche wad’s wardrobe that he has a very hard time letting go of 1996 but until last night’s episode of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” I had no idea just how sick this guy was. I am going to give you an exact quote from Guy Fieri but I want you to know that if you choose to read on, your life will never be the same. What you will read is so disturbing you will look back at your life in 2 parts, before the Guy Fieri quote and after. Please call your family and tell them you love them before you read the next line.

“This onion is money.”

Was it? Was it “so money it didn’t even know how money it was” Guy?

Fuck off.

I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!

What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.

While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.

Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!

Goodbye, turds.

No, you are not turds. Well, some of you are. Wait, when I really think about it, I have dealt with an incredible amount of turds and turd-related activities on this website. To be honest though, it was those turds who got me out of bed each morning. I LOVE all the hate mail that continues to pour in every day, it truly does make my day. I salute you, turds!

But where does that leave you, the non-turd? Well, I love you even more. Yes, even I have the ability to love.

If I may be human for one brief moment, I really have loved hearing from all of you over the last few years but the reality is that I simply do not have the time or energy to continue writing. You may not be able to tell from my past writing, but I actually really put effort into this site and I don’t want to continue unless I feel I can give it my best effort.

“Fuck you Listy, how hard can it be to rant about Guy Fieri?!?”

What did you just say to me? Do you have any idea how much vomit I choked down over the past 3 years while writing about powerful enemies like Guy Fieri, Miracle Whip and corn? Holy shit, I just realized something, if Guy Fieri has a recipe that involves slathering corn on the cob with Miracle Whip I might have to kill myself.

Back to the point… Dedicating 5 nights a week to my genius opinions was taxing but I did it for you, the little people. And WOW, was I good at it! Not to mention, all the hilarious writing I did (and continue to do) in the comments. I really am great, just like you guys always tell me. I’m high-fiving myself. Now I’m taking off my shirt and karate kicking the air while singing a Kid Rock song. I don’t know if it’s a real Kid Rock song but when I sing about America, tits and eagles I just assume it’s probably one of his songs.

So, as much as I hate to say it, I think it’s time for me to close up shop. It feels weird to make it official but all moderately good things must eventually fizzle and die a slow, forgetful death. Like Aerosmith.

I’m trying to find just the right words to sign off with. Something sincere, poignant and heartfelt. Perhaps I will simply say this…

Everything is the worst.

Goodbye.

Hey jerks, remember how I said I had a book offer and I totally blew it off? Well, that was true but also a lie. The truth is this, I have actually been working on something HUGE and I can finally talk about it. Sort of.

Let’s just say your hero and savior, Listy, will soon be on your stupid flat screen TV. Well not me personally, but You Just Made My List, as a concept, will.

I’m going to be so fucking famous! I can’t wait to go to pool parties at Guy Fieri’s mansion!

More later!

I’m sure all you world wide web “surfers” have been asking yourself where the gosh heck I have been. First of all, watch your language. Secondly, there is no second part, I’ve just been blowing it off.

Since June 30th, 2008 I have written pretty much 5 days a week for a total of 633 posts. There have been 527,068 visitors to youjustmademylist and in the 10,936 comments left on this site so far, I have been accused of living in my mom’s basement approximately 800 times. I have spoken with, and completely blown off (for some dumb reason), a reputable literary agent who wanted to see some treatments for a book and I will most likely be murdered by a Juggalo within the next 3-4 months (if they weren’t too fucking lazy to get their fat piece of shit asses off the couch).

So what does all that mean? It probably means I’m awesome but I’m not sure.

Am I quitting this blog? I don’t know. I don’t think so but to be honest, it’s hard to find the time lately. I’m so fucking talented at my job that I’ve been working 12-14 hour days. Plus, I’m moving to Hawaii at the end of the summer (my mom is moving her basement there, I have no choice) and it is not a simple move. It basically involves me completely dismantling my life and selling almost everything I own.

Blah blah blah, this is starting to sound like a “real” blog where people share their feelings. Sorry.

SO… I think I will be back very soon but I’m not entirely sure anyone cares. I was sure the world would end when I stopped writing but, much to my disappointment, Guy Fieri and Creed still have a planet to walk around on.

Sincerely,
Listy (The most awesome person in the world)