Writing about getting your fat ass massaged at the mall reminded me of another utterly useless form of relaxation. I am of course speaking of reading a good book on the beach. Oh, and also oxygen bars!
If the sky was made of free beer would you still bother going to a bar to BUY beer? (And with that sentence, I complete my journey to becoming the world’s bestest thinker. Me smart!)
Do you realize these idiots are paying over a dollar a minute to breathe flavored air? Suck that concept up your nose holes and try to understand it. Oh, but it must be special oxygen because look at all those colorful beakers of bubbling potions! If it looks like science from the classic 60s Batman TV show it must be good!
The meaningless fun does not end there. If you are feeling a little frisky you can have one of the bartenders(?) mash a piece of hard plastic into your spine or dig out your brain with a German mind-scraper used in the late 17th century to extract homosexual fantasies and other demonic thoughts from your skull.
Has it really come to this? Motion detector air fresheners? Can I just put ALL air fresheners on my list so I can die in peace?
Imagine being so bored with life that you are willing to load two batteries and a scent cartridge into some ugly, plastic piece of shit just so your crappy house smells less like actual crap and more like artificial crap. The only problem is that all an air freshener really does is add the smell of a whore to the smell of the rotting food in your kitchen. Here’s an idea, spend more time cleaning your fucking house and maybe you wouldn’t need NASA-designed air fresheners to mask the smell of failure that hangs in your home.
Think of all the energy, chemicals and waste that go into making these dumb contraptions. You want your house to smell like “fresh linens?” WASH YOUR SHEETS you turd.
As much as I hate Glade Sense and Spray, nothing will ever be more idiotic than Scent Stories.
Dude, did you get the new Scent Stories disc, “Farmer’s Market?” Yeah, it came out today. It fucking rocks!
Oh brother. Really? Please tell me there isn’t a single person in the world who has fallen for this weirdness.
In case you have a job and don’t watch soap operas, I will explain this madness. First, you buy a giant Febreze “disc player” and place it on the shelf next to your figurines and collection of novelty glasses. Then you choose from an exciting selection of discs with names like “Boardwalk” and “World Treasure” which you put in your pretend air freshener computer. Now you simply sit back and soak in the artificial stink of the boardwalk while your new disc takes you on the world’s saddest journey. Maybe, just maybe, if you close your eyes you can actually smell sweaty chest hair and the urine of 100 homeless guys.
When I see shit like this I feel like I might be stuck in the matrix or possibly from another planet.
PLEASE watch this clip of Shania Twain contemplating suicide while she pretends to give a shit about Scent Stories! I have never seen a more defeated person. She also likes that “it’s EASY” unlike those impossibly complicated candles!
(you have to sit through 45 seconds of nothing to get to the good stuff)
