Sheesh. Do I even need to explain why these people should be punished? I can understand if you have to keep your cell phone in a belt holster because the nature of your job makes it a necessity but… wait, no I can’t understand it ever. You should quit your job, nothing is worth this.
While you are at it, please shave that neatly-trimmed “Blue Collar Comedy” goatee too. How do I know you have this goatee? Because you wear your cell phone on your belt.
I thought it could not get any worse than a belt holster but I happened upon this and it shook me to my very core. Get a purse already!
I know you have all heard that annoying clicking noise your cell phone makes when it’s near speakers and about to do something. Maybe a call is about to come in or you’re getting a text but either way it makes your speakers go crazy. It’s an annoying sound but the thing that really bugs me is that now I’m trained to reach for the phone when the clicking starts. It’s like a pre-ringtone. Nothing is more pathetic than reaching for your clicking phone thinking you are getting a call only to be disappointed with no ring. Sometimes the jerk just clicks for no reason!
This is the dumbest post ever. Any of you who were planning on telling me I suck don’t need to, I have taken care of it for you. How the fuck am I supposed to make this subject interesting? Maybe I should have included some nudity. You know why I suck lately? It’s because I have not had any beer in the house for weeks. I’m always better after a beer or 5.
You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.
While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.
Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.
I can’t think of a way to make this funny so deal with it. Maybe by the end I can pull some brilliance from my beautiful butt.
I have a Sirius radio in my car but it’s the kind that docks into my existing radio. It’s starting to die and act like an asshole. It likes to change the channel at random times as if to say, “hey loser this song sucks, check out this Limp Bizkit song over on channel 24.” I don’t want Limp Bizkit thrust upon me so I was thinking it was time for a new radio. No big deal right? I mean it’s 4 years old, I got my money’s worth.
WRONG! I hate that I currently have a drawer full of “out-of-date” cell phones and a once state-of-the-art iMac that I literally can’t give away because it’s 6 years old. I understand why nobody wants my old computer but it’s crazy how disposable this stuff is. Do TV repairmen even exist anymore?
I hate that we find it acceptable if a CD player works for only 3 years before breaking. We don’t think twice about chucking it in the garbage and heading over to Best Buy to get a replacement. My stereo (do people even have stereos anymore?) is made up of components from the 70’s except for my CD player which I purchased in 1989. Not only do they all work perfectly, they sound amazing.
Our disposable culture kind of freaks me out. Maybe it’s because I’m old and still own a stereo. Told you this wouldn’t be funny.
I barely know who AKON is and I would like to keep it that way. I think he might be one of those guys who sings with the robot voice but I could not name one song by him. Are they really even songs?
So why would I put this young man on my list? You might think it’s because his music sucks but there is so much bad music out there I would never have time to complain about all of it. You might think it’s because he got kicked off Gwen Stefani’s tour and dropped by Verizon after dry humping a 15 year old on stage but no. AKON is on my list because of a quick interview with him that I saw today on the morning “news.” He was explaining how he writes/records/mixes songs with ringtones in mind. Seriously, this turd was explaining how when he is mixing tracks in the studio he will listen back on a cell phone to hear how they will sound as a ringtone. As I type this I am so full of rage I might have to punch myself in the face! A CELL PHONE! FUCK OFF!
Could you imagine telling The Clash, The Who, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Pixies, The Ramones, The Replacements (insert awesome band here) that they had to tailor their songs to sound good on a cell phone speaker the size of a grain of rice? I’m guessing even Weird Al would tell you to go fuck yourself.
I was sitting at my desk tonight, working on the computer when all of a sudden – total darkness. I’m not going to lie, it was creepy for a minute. Luckily I have the “flashlight” application on my iPhone which simply turns the screen white, providing just enough light to get around. I got some candles and sat in the cold darkness (no heat without power) for 2 hours like an Amish dude.
You really take things like electricity for granted until it’s gone. I could not do anything. I could not even get my car out of the garage. Well, if I wasn’t too lazy to manually pull up the door I could have gotten my car out but what am I, Amish?
I realized that I have not sat in a quiet room doing nothing for… I don’t know, ever? It kind of made me feel dumb that something so simple was completely throwing my night into a tailspin.
This was a boring post but keep in mind I have just been through a traumatic disaster!
FINALLY, we have a texting world champion and his name is Nathan Schwartz. Did you go to a kick ass texting world championship party like me? I went to my friend Joey’s house and it was fucking packed ass to elbow. IT-WAS-OFF-THE-HOOK! Oh, and what was your favorite texting world championship commercial this year?
FUCK OFF! What is happening to the world I live in? I relate to my fellow humans less and less every day.
This is you to me: “Hey jerk, this was just a corporate publicity event for blah blah blah.”
Me to you: “Inhale my FART!” I know that this was just a way for some company to create a viral video (and here I am like an asshole helping them) but it does not make me hate everyone involved any less. Maybe I’m just jealous that it takes me about 45 minutes to type “sounds good, see you there” on my cell phone. I should try “sdz gd c u thr” next time.
