Tag Archive 'drinking'

Aug 11 2010

Once again, I fail you!

Published by under Awesome!

drinking beer cheers fail

A good friend stayed with me last night on his way through town and I’m not going to lie, I chose beer and male bonding over blogging.

Cheers!

7 responses so far

Jul 21 2010

Mixologists!

mixologist

“Help, my husband is having a heart attack!”

“Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a mixologist.”

“Wait, huh? How is that going to help?”

“I told you, I’m a M-I-X-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.”

“What the? Is there a doctor in the house? Please hurry!”

“What part of OLOGIST don’t you understand?”

“All of it.”

And… scene!

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bartender who knows his or her shit and can whip up some old school cocktails, but can we stop with this “mixologist” nonsense? If your main source of income comes in the form of tips you are not allowed to be an “ologist” of any sort. Your job description can include “tender” or “keep” but let’s stop pretending you work at NASA.

Be proud to be a bartender! You are among greats like Tom Cruise, Moe, the slutty whores of Coyote Ugly and Tammy. Stop in and see Tammy!

26 responses so far

Jun 30 2010

Bros Icing Bros!

Published by under Why?!?

bros icing bros Smirnoff ice

When I first heard the term “Bros Icing Bros” I thought frat boys were finally giving in to their homosexual fantasies and jerking off all over each other. “Dude, I totally just Iced all over McGillicutty’s face while he was playing Guitar Hero, it was classic bro.”

I have to admit, when I discovered Bros Icing Bros was less about random jizz attacks and more about forced drinking I was still intrigued. In case you have an actual life outside of the internet I will explain the rules of Icing your bros. If your bro manages to put a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in your line of vision you must immediately drop to one knee and chug the entire bottle, no matter where you are or what time of day it is. If you refuse you are to be excommunicated and shunned forever and may never be considered a bro again. HOWEVER, if you present your bro with an Ice they can “Ice block” you by presenting their own bottle of Ice, at which point the original Icer must drop to a knee and drink BOTH Smirnoff Ices.

As a concept I like this little game. Nothing is more satisfying than making your friends miserable. So on the surface, bros icing bros has some merit. HOWEVER, like most things dude-types participate in, the concept is lost in poor execution. Rather than coming up with a creative way to make their friends happen upon an Ice, most of these bros simply excitedly run up to their friends and hand them a Smirnoff Ice with all the coolness of a little giggly girl freaking out at a Twilight premiere.

Come on BROS, butch it up a little! These real versions of Bros Icing Bros might actually be more gay than my original understanding of the game.

Calm down ladies, don’t get your flip-flops all tangled in a bunch.

“Get on your knees bro (giggle giggle)”

Hipsters Icing Hipsters – “I’m going to Ice Baker, I’m going to Ice the fuck out of Baker with a pineapple.” Um, look out Baker, I think you are about to be raped.

You just got Iced. Now, drink it naked while we all watch.

38 responses so far

Oct 06 2009

Commercials featuring young hipsters doing crazy, organized things!

smirnoff ice gas station commercial

Hold on a second, I’m getting a text… What’s that? Meet at Monica’s pool? Bring Smirnoff Ice, turntables, foam cushions and an ironic hat? What are my crazy friends up to now?!?

You know why none of these wacky commercials featuring hipsters organizing and pulling off crazy magical stunts make any sense? Because douchebag hipsters lack the ability to get off their dirty asses to do anything, unless it involves 10 speed bikes and/or skinny jeans. If real hipsters were to attempt to fill a pool with foam and jump into it, I can guarantee the local emergency room would be filled with ironic mustaches and body odor that night.

Much like the world’s most ridiculous appropriation of “youth culture” for advertising purposes, these commercials ask you to believe the world is filled with twenty-somethings dressed in thrift store clothes who spend their days doing awesome secret stuff. The kind of stuff that you remember the rest of your life, like eating fake mayonnaise on a roof! Sounds KILLER dude!

Hey, let’s steal some cushions, ruin a pool and share our lice!

Hey, let’s steal lifesaving fire extinguishers and vandalize a gas station!

Hey, let’s wreck a highway and then put our smelly heads close together while driving on it, as if leaning over helps you hear better, you dicks!

Hey, let’s break into a cemetery and wreck it with our body odor!

12 responses so far

Mar 20 2009

Celebrity tequila!

justin timberlake sammy hagar tequila

When Sammy Hagar started his Cabo Wabo tequila brand I thought, “Well, that makes sense, he’s a hard drinking rock star.” You know, honestly I didn’t think anything when I heard Sammy Hagar was starting a tequila company. It’s not really one of those moments we all remember collectively and share over beers. “Where was I when I heard the ‘Red Rocker’ was starting Cabo Wabo? I will never forget that day. I just finished my fourth helping of bread sticks at Olive Garden when our server, Dakota, said ‘yo ya’ll hear-ed Tammy Hanger takilla company maked?’ It was a very powerful moment.”

Sure, Sammy Hagar took one of the most awesome bands ever, ripped its dick off and made it suck dog ass, but I can at least picture him throwing up enough tequila to cover the floor of a mid-sized bathroom. Justin Timberlake, on the other hand… what the hell is he doing launching his own brand of tequila? I could see Timberlake wine coolers maybe, but tequila? I just hate him so fucking much!

16 responses so far

Jan 19 2009

The new Pepsi logo!

New Pepsi Logo

Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).

I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.

These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.

23 responses so far

Sep 29 2008

Novelty souvenir drink glasses!

Maybe, MAYBE, if you are a girl under the age of 23 it’s forgivable for you to drink from one of these colorful dildos but come on guys, how could walking around like a toddler drinking out of a supersoaker possibly attract the opposite sex?

Call me crazy but I like to drink my beer out of a bottle not through a straw from a football. Gentlemen, please take a moment to think about some famous manly men. Now, try to imagine these men – Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, John Wayne, Sean Connery, the Marlboro Man – enjoying a fluorescent drink from a plastic Seattle Space Needle. Sinatra famously wouldn’t even sit down while wearing a tuxedo in an effort to keep his pants looking good and all I’m asking from you is to put your little toy down and drink like an adult. And while you’re at it, stop sweating so much. Why are you always sweating?

13 responses so far