Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:
– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.
Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!
I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.
God really fucked up when he created the centipede. I mean what the hell was he thinking? If his intention was to create an insect so creepy that it could cause me to piss my pants every time I see one, then bravo God, you win! There is only one thing worse than a living centipede, and that’s a freshly killed centipede. It’s not enough that they look like an 8th grade mustache scooting across your wall when they are alive, but they somehow manage to look even more disgusting when dead with their twitching, hairy legs.
I’m currently trying to sell my house in the middle of the worst housing market since magical God created the Earth 6,000 years ago. The funny thing is that not only am I trying to sell my house, I’m also currently watching my entire life crumble to pieces before my very eyes. It has been a joyous year!!!
Needless to say, when my air conditioner decided to ice over and pour water all over my laundry room on the morning of our first realtor open house, I was a tad stressed. It’s not a situation where you want two realtors running around your house like busy ants, rearranging your shit and putting little signs everywhere. They were just doing their jobs, I understand that, but it’s not their job to be my therapist.
They meant well when they told me approximately 300 times to “not worry” and “relax” but it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to relax when you are dealing with the shit I’m dealing with. I’M GOING TO WORRY IF I FEEL LIKE FUCKING WORRYING!
They are perfectly nice people, but telling a stressed person to relax just makes them more stressed.
Stop the madness! Steven, God is obviously trying to kill you, or at the very least send you a message. Give it up! Stop dancing around like an old, drunk slut at a bar who just played an entire Bob Seger album on the jukebox. Go be an old lady somewhere and stop making me look at you. Seriously, at this point your face has more wrinkles than my saggy balls on a hot summer day.*
Aerosmith has about 7-10 good songs. Unfortunately, the rest of their shitty songs are so God-awful that it has made it impossible to enjoy their good songs. I’m sure Carrot Top has one or two good jokes, but the remainder of his material would prevent me from finding them funny. For every 3 shitty songs you write, a good one is erased from the face of the earth.
Janie’s Got A Gun
+
Dude (Looks Like A Lady)
+
Rag Doll
=
NO MORE TOYS IN THE ATTIC
It’s simple math.
*for those of you who do not have balls, the hotter they get, the longer and more horrible they become.
Enjoy this video of God trying to stop Steven Tyler for good
Can you believe there are still Americans who reject science? I can. Just look at the popularity of that fucking dolt, Sarah Palin! I’m trying to think of something funny to say about these ridiculous, religious morons, but nothing I write could ever be as funny as just letting them speak for themselves. Up is down, black is white and peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable metaphor for the planet Earth? Fuck me.
To call these people retarded would be an incredible insult to retarded people. These assholes actively choose to be stupid. They choose to ignore the overwhelming facts that disprove their childish theories. To say they stick their heads in the sand is an insult to sand. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just is. Get your dumb head out of my sand!
In this clip, Kirk Cameron and some douchebag present “the atheist’s nightmare,” the banana!!! Kirk sits there with his trademark vacant shit-eating grin while Mustache jerks off a banana and spews his 1st grade deductions. By the way fuck face, here’s God’s banana, what you are holding is a domesticated banana created by man! Idiots.
Proof that either God does not exist or he’s a shitty product designer. Get your head out of your ass, God!
If you are a fan of intelligent design, take a good look at one of your “scholars.” Imbecile.
My head is literally spinning from all these dimwits. This is the only thing that can make me feel better. This and about 15 beers.
What the fuck?!? God is on a killing spree and for once in my life I am happy I’m NOT a famous. Assuming God likes to kill celebrities in 3’s, I guess we should be prepared to lose 2 more this week for a total of 6 in about a week! Who knows if he will even stop there, he might clear out all of Hollywood, which would be a disaster for this guy’s career. What did Billy Mays ever do to you, God? What is up your holy ass?
I loved Billy Mays, and I don’t mean that in a mocking way. For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with pitchmen (not the show, the profession). In college I even video taped my favorite infomercial (carnauba car wax) so I could watch it over and over. Yeah, I was THAT cool in college.
A good pitchman can literally hypnotize you into thinking you are an idiot for not already owning kitchen knives that can cut a car in half. Billy Mays was one of my all-time favorites and I’m sad we will no longer be treated to his trademark “Hi, Billy Mays here…” yelled at a volume loud enough to make your hair move a little. And the beard, fuck, I’m going to miss that beard.
UPDATE: God had a busy weekend but he found time to also kill Fred Travalena.
Geez god, what’s the deal dude? Did someone give you one of those motivational “Successories” posters and did it inspired you to make the “most of your day?” Well hooray for you tough guy, you really seized the day! Oh, and nice work on the anal cancer. It’s not bad enough to give Farrah cancer, you have to make it cancer of the anus? What a dick. Don’t even talk to me right now.
Lest ye forget what a bad-ass Michael Jackson once was, here he is laying it down at an age when you were still crapping your jammies.
And check out this A capella version of “The Love You Save” – INCREDIBLE!
I made the mistake of saying “bless you” to someone after she sneezed today. Little did I know this woman was going to spend the next 8 hours sneezing at her desk next to mine. I don’t even like saying “bless you” once! Why am I expressing sympathy for a person who simply sneezed? Is sneezing such a huge trauma that I need to call upon the Lord and savior? “Hey God, I know you are busy figuring out who will win the Super Bowl and who’s getting a Grammy next year but we have a bit of a situation down here in the graphics room. I don’t want to alarm you but this girl just sneezed and I’m going to need to put in an official blessing request. Thanks. I mean, amen.”
The problem today was once I said it that first time, I was locked into blessing this woman like an overworked Jesus all fucking day long. I blessed her exactly 4 times before deciding it was more than I could take. We were the only people in a VERY quiet office so each time I allowed an un-blessed sneeze to linger it was painful. Why? Why do I need to stress over YOUR sneezing? I am literally never saying “bless you” ever again. Get over it. So sayeth me.
