You just made my list!

I’M RACHAEL RAY AND I LIKE TO YELL! OH BOY LOOK AT THIS SANDWICH, IT LOOKS YUMMERS! JUST NEEDS A LITTLE EVOO! YUM-O!”

Please rip my ears off and put expanding insulating foam in my bleeding ear holes! Why is it that the more annoying a person is the more likely they will be hugely popular? Especially when it comes to the Food Network. It’s a parade of loud mouth jerks on that channel.

Rachel Ray is so painfully boring I can barely find the strength to write about how much better I am than her. Are white, suburban women really so bored with life that all it takes is a slightly less-bland version of themselves to make them lose their minds with excitement? I think I’m a little jealous of these people. I walk around all day wanting to fling poop in everyone’s face but these women drop their panties with excitement anytime Rachael Ray says “EVOO.” I want their blind happiness. I want to find “EVOO” charming rather than something that causes me to black out from rage. Save me Rachael Ray!

I will now show you something that should shake you to your very soul. It should make you question everything. You might want to drink 7 beers before looking at this photo.

I hope there is a special place in hell for people who can’t keep their fat mouths shut at a movie theater.

I went to see “WALL-E” last night and as always the people sitting directly behind me would not shut up. Now, since the theater was packed with kids you may think I’m just an asshole who should expect kids to talk during a movie. Yes, I do expect KIDS to talk during a kid’s movie, in fact I think it’s hilarious and cute when a kid breaks the silence by saying something like “it’s raining on the robot” but these yapping idiots were at least 16 or 17 years old. By that age you should have a basic understanding of how society operates.

It’s not like they were discussing an Iraq exit strategy or the latest Terry Gross interview on “Fresh Air,” instead these dolts merely verbalized anything their tiny tiny brains were shitting out. Without exaggeration, here’s what the first 10 minutes of the movie sounded like. Please keep in mind there were no breaks between these comments, it was a nonstop barrage of crap.

“Oh, it’s starting – Pixar – look at that lamp – that lamp is sooooo cute – Pixar – that’s earth – look at all the garbage – that’s garbage – there’s WALL-E – he’s sooooo cute – he’s rolling on wheels – he’s sooooo cute – ew gross – oh my god – he’s really cute – look at his eyes – I know, they are sooooo cute – look at all the garbage – earth is soooo dirty – WALL-E has to clean up earth – yeah he’s gettin’ all the garbage – he just rolls around getting’ garbage – yep, on his wheels, he’s rolling on his wheels”

A) SHUT THE FUCK UP and B) WALL-E DOESN’T HAVE WHEELS, they are tracks. TRACKS!

We turned around and shot them the “excuse me, I hate to bother you but could you please have a heart attack and die so we can hear the movie” look which did not work. Several more direct glances were ignored so finally we had to say “can you please be quiet?” If you have ever asked someone to be quiet in a theater you know what’s coming next. One dick wad turns to the other and says “what did they say” to which dick wad #1 replies sarcastically “I guess I’m not allowed to talk.” These dumb girls wanted to take it to the next level however and argued “we can talk if we want” to which we replied “no, no you can’t so shut up and stop talking.” Their next reply was possibly the most intelligent comeback I had ever heard and it really put us in our place. Dick wad #1 looked right into our eyes and said “why don’t YOU shut up and stop talking.” BRAVO! The hunter has become the hunted!

Listen butthole, you are not sitting at home in your trailer with a bag of Doritos on your belly watching “Mannequin” on your Betamax. Shut the fuck up or stay home.

(by the way, WALL-E ruled)