You just made my list!

I knew I was going to hate this movie and that is precisely why I avoided it until Sunday afternoon when I found myself in a situation that did not offer an escape. Having said that, I still was hopeful that it would be at least enjoyable enough to sit through. It wasn’t. I would re-title this movie “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Waste of My Day Off: You Motherfuckers.”

I love Michael Cera but this piece of shit relied so heavily on his “I’m a gentle, lovable kitten” persona that by the end of it I was even sick of him. Michael Cera, consider this your official warning. Strike one was Juno and Nick and Norah is strike two. He’s too good for this mindless, formulaic, teen movie crap. Yes, Juno was crap too so shut up.

Here’s the best part, after watching Nick and Norah struggle to discover their love for each other for 90 minutes while we, the audience, knew they “should really be together” they don’t even end up together at the end. They each go back to their jerky exes! Fuck off, of course Nick and Norah ended up together just as we all knew they would and that’s what made the movie as painful as a zit right on the edge of your lip. There is nothing to distract you, like a memorable storyline or performances, from the inevitable ending. Instead you have to sit through the torture of waiting for the thing you know is going to happen to happen in exactly the way you knew it was going to happen.

I was extra bummed because the director, Peter Sollett, wrote and directed a wonderful, simple film in 2002 called “Raising Victor Vargas” that is miles in the other direction of Nick and Norah. It also deals with young love but in an incredibly realistic and engaging way. Watch both and try to convince me that the “Hollywood” formula is better.

God, I have the BEST opinions EVER!

I’m always a little afraid to see a movie the general public describes as “SOOOOOOO good” especially when the film is one of those ‘indie films’ for the masses. Inevitably I hate it and everyone thinks I’m a dick for my correct and superior opinion. With that said, I went into Juno with a good attitude. I love Michael Cera and Jason Bateman, how bad could it be? Within 10 minutes I was working on plans for a time machine that would take me back 11 minutes.

I don’t care if Diablo Cody was a stripper or a Hooters girl or whatever the story is, she should stick to the pole because her movie is an insult to all the strippers out there who actually HAVE written great, undiscovered screenplays. In fact, she’s the weak link in this mess. The basic storyline isn’t bad and she had a great cast to work with but Diablo (I can’t believe I actually have to type that) writes dialogue like a 1st year film student.

So listen up “home skillet,” you did not like this movie. The kids were not “so real” and they didn’t “sound just like real kids.” Diablo Cody’s life story is not interesting and she did not deserve an Oscar. You will immediately place your Juno DVD on ebay or craigslist for the price of $1. I am not a dick.

Diablo Cody and fans of Juno, you just made my list!