Tag Archive 'products'

Jul 09 2010

TV Hat!

tv hat infomercial

If I wasn’t sort of drunk right now I would put more effort into this and believe me it would be HILARIOUS. Such is life.

Plus, what the fuck could be said about this?

18 responses so far

Jul 06 2010

Kleenex disposable hand towels!

kleenex hand towels

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

18 responses so far

Jul 01 2010

As Seen On TV products for your big sloppy boobs!

kush breats support commercial

Ladies, when you go to bed at night do your huge tits slide off the side of the bed and rest on the floor like half-filled beanbag chairs? Have you tried duct tape and rope to hold those jugs in place? There’s got to be a better way! Well, no there isn’t. However, if you are too fancy to stick a can of Coke between your meat pillows, why not try the Kush breast support system.

Ladies, do you like to dress like a whore at night but don’t want to lose your day job at Verizon because your funbags are flopping all over the place? What can you do, bring a nighttime whore outfit to change into after work? What a pain! Thanks to the Cami Secret fake undershirt you can transform effortlessly from boring daytime prude into an awesome, super fun cleavage-rocking slut in seconds! Your boss and coworkers will never know that just under your Cami Secret resides a beautiful, deep canyon of flesh begging to be explored by the lucky guy you are going to hook up with from the “casual encounters” section of craigslist that night.

19 responses so far

Jun 18 2010

Parents who leash their kids!

children on leash

Want to go for a walk? Who wants to go for a walk? Who’s a good boy? Go get your leash. Go get your leash! Get your leash boy, it’s time for school.

The kind of parents who walk their kids around like dogs will tell you they do it to keep their children safe but the truth is that they are lazy. They are not prepared for the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on their child so they opt for walking them around like Marmaduke. Why bother with diapers, just open up the patio door and send Timmy out to make in the back yard.

I miss the old kind of lazy parenting, the kind where mommy would tell you to go ride your bike for 10 hours so she could sunbathe in the back yard with a cigarette and a gin & tonic. The kind that encouraged a steady diet of bologna and soda and never had the time for a car seat. I miss my childhood.

The new wave of lazy parents are no fun.

And the Mother of the Year award goes to…

39 responses so far

Jun 14 2010

Comfort Wipe!

comfort wipes infomercial commercial

Did you realize you have been wasting your time with toilet paper for over 100 years you big fucking moron? Finally some genius came to his senses and realized there is a much better way to clean our shitty buttholes!

It’s so simple… just keep your poo stick near the toilet. After you explode a load of crap into the bowl, simply take a wad of toilet paper and insert it into your poo stick, reach behind your back, locate your shit-covered bunghole, jam the stick up there and pull it back up behind you with extra care so as not to smear shit all over your back and hair. Almost done… next just carefully stand up and turn around without letting your poopie ass touch anything and eject the soiled paper into the bowl. Just a few more steps… sit back down, grab another handful of toilet paper and DELICATELY insert it into your poo stick because it will now be covered in feces. Reach back behind you without letting your shit-covered poo stick touch ANYTHING on the way down and jam it back up into that brown mess. Stand, eject and repeat as needed. Once your barking spider is finally clean you are going to want to flush the toilet and clean off any feces that you may have accidentally smeared on your back, legs, hands, hair, clothes, towels and/or walls. All you have to do next is wash your crap-encrusted poo stick in the bath tub and put it back near the toilet. Simply clean your bath tub with bleach and that’s it. SIMPLE! As promised, your dignity is intact.

It really is the modern solution. I mean using toilet paper these days is about as smart as still using AOL for your email!

The Comfort Wipe poo stick is for anyone who poops… uptight blonde MILFs, uncles with bad shoulders, old ladies with mysterious accents and even big guys. That’s right, I said big guys! There are many disadvantages to being a big guy but one of the countless advantages is that you have the opportunity to be so fat that you need to wipe your big wet butthole with a stick. Lucky!

You know Comfort Wipe is going to work, I mean look at that perfectly clean white butthole right in their logo!

15 responses so far

May 26 2010

These stupid inventions!

I was all set to write about something else when fate directed me to this bullshit. All of these inventions aim to do the same thing… make you look like a dick while the rest of the world is being awesome.

OrbitWheel
What do you get when you cross a skateboard with inline skates? A fucking shitty skateboard. If you ever dreamed of ripping your crotch in two the OrbitWheel is your best bet!

orbit wheel orbitwheel

AquaSkipper
Maybe you would rather look like an asshole on water. Great, just climb aboard your AquaSkipper and start humping!

aqua skipper aquaskipper

“Walk On Water Shoes”
Perhaps you love the water but the AquaSkipper is just a little too extreme for you. Well I would suggest stripping down to your underwear, strapping on your water shoes and going for a nice walk on the ocean.

walk on water shoes

Swerver Ultimate Carving Streetboard
A skateboard cracked in half? Sure, why not.

Swerver Ultimate Carving Skateboard

Magic Wheel
Let’s see… if there was just a way to combine the nerdiness of a unicycle with the outrageous fun of a wheel chair… hmmmmm… and if you could put it dangerously close to my balls that would be perfect.

Magic Wheel skateboard skateboarding

25 responses so far

May 19 2010

Twoddler!

twoddler

Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.

Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”

Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.

Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…

“jus ate sum soup”

“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”

“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”

“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”

See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.

Nap time!

30 responses so far

May 18 2010

NewSeat disposable seat covers!

NewSeat.com seat covers

Have you ever gone to a wedding and thought, “This reception is beautiful. The room is lovely, the flowers are spectacular, the china is immaculate but there is no fucking way I’m sitting on that chair without first covering it with a giant garbage bag! I don’t give a shit if the bride and groom take offense to it, I REFUSE to sit on that chair without putting a giant condom on it first.”

Well guess what psycho? You are in luck thanks to the ridiculous NewSeat!

NewSeat is a single-use chair cover for people who want to tell the world “I’m here. I’m crazy. Get used to it.” You think I’m kidding about the wedding scenario? According to NewSeat.com a wedding is just one of the perfectly normal places to use their chair cover. You can also look normal while using your NewSeat at seminars, conferences and “live stage performances.” Nothing makes you look more normal at a business seminar than refusing to let your fully clothed body touch a chair.

You may not know this but chair-related deaths are up 300% since 2005. I’m sure we all know someone who is battling an illness picked up from sitting on a chair. Just last week I participated in “Sit for a Cure” and I can only assume many of you did as well. GOD DAMN YOU CHAIRS! Sorry, I just get really emotional because in the last two years I have lost three family members to chair illnesses.

Another suggested use for the NewSeat is on an airplane. Hey great idea! I always found airplane seats to be a little too comfortable and often thought my six hour plane ride could be made better if I was sitting on an impervious sheet of plastic.

If there’s one thing I know about teenagers it’s that they LOVE to stand out and look different from their friends. They NEVER want to simply blend in and look like each other. Luckily for them NewSeat works for kids too! I can’t think of a single better way to get in with the popular crowd than to cover your chair at the movie theater with a tarp before sitting in it. When the other teens see you setting up for a hazardous material spill before watching Hot Tub Time Machine they will surely make a mental note to put YOUR name down for prom queen.

While the rest of the world cries and moans about “going green,” NewSeat has the balls to say “Fuck you environment, I’m covering every chair I sit on with a giant piece of plastic and then I’m just going to fucking leave it there when I’m done. What are you going do about it? Nothing, just like I thought.”

The next time you go to a movie theater built in 1910, bring a NewSeat!

Whatever! Like, I’m totally not sitting on that chair, it’s like gross-out city to the max. LOL. LMAO. BFF. WTF?

23 responses so far

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