You just made my list!

When I hear someone say “That’s what I’m talking about” I immediately trace my steps and try to figure out how I ended up in this frat house and where the hell did my pants go?!?

I hate this phrase. It literally makes me cringe. Actual physical cringing takes place. It’s never used to describe something genuinely awesome, like a cure for cancer or a box full of kittens. Instead, it’s used to describe important events like witnessing your buddy vomit into his own hands. Everyone knows the correct response to that situation should be a gentle nodding of the head and a quiet “beautiful” whispered to yourself.

I would also like to point this bullshit out, thanks to a comment from JulieJulieJulie on the previous Rachael Ray post. The world is ending.

Have you ever been sitting around your trailer at 3am and thought, “Well, I have five pieces of bacon and four paper towels, how can I turn this into something?”

Are you wealthy enough to own a microwave*? Then guess what Jethro? YOU-ARE-IN-LUCK! Genius and all around loud person, Rachael Ray, has developed a “recipe” that even your pathetically stupid ass can manage. The creativity doesn’t stop with the recipe, Rachael has even given her creation a catchy name… “Late Night Bacon!”

At first I was confused because when I go trolling for street-walking prostitutes I refer to them as Late Night Bacon, and although both activities require at least four paper towels, I eventually figured out Rach was talking about something completely different.

So sit back and enjoy Rachael Ray’s Late Night Bacon recipe. I recommend reading the comments (including one from me buried in there somewhere).

*It’s like a TV that you stick your food and wet socks into.

It’s official, I relate to nothing. I am digging a hole in the dirt where I shall live until I die.

Have you ever written a grocery list and thought “This is just too quick and easy. There’s got to be a harder way.” You are in luck! The SmartShopper Deluxe Grocery List Organizer takes the convenience of quickly hand writing a list and turns it into an elaborate, complicated task.

With the SmartShopper, you just speak your list one item at a time into your magic list robot. After each item, simply wait 5 seconds for the robot to figure out what you have said. When the robot displays a list of the words you might have spoken, you scroll through the list and find the word you want. At this stage you can also remind yourself that you have a coupon for that item with the touch of several buttons. And just like that, after only 2 minutes you have one item on your grocery list! Pour yourself a glass of wine because your ass is going to be making that list for the next 45 minutes. It’s just that hard!

But wait, how will you remember this list while at the grocery store? Do you rip your robot off the wall and bring him? No, you big fucking idiot, all you do is hit ‘print’ and your robot will start pooping out your list in under 2 hours! Go watch a movie or paint the garage at this stage because your list robot likes to be alone as it slowly handcrafts each letter.

Hey, want to make the world implode? Just watch this clip of Rachel Ray and her audience of cackling morons have g-spot orgasms when the SmartShopper cures cancer. Oh wait, I meant to say when the SmartShopper recognizes the word “garlic.”

Watch the SmartShopper in action with a real life mom! If you need me I will be in my dirt hole.

So I was thinking, maybe I should do a douchebag-of-the-year award kind of thing but there were too many assholes to pick from. My brain started to boil over while mentally running down the list of potential “winners” and I had a small rage-induced stroke. After recovering I decided that this little idea of mine was too difficult and felt like actual work so I sent it back to hell. While trying to narrow down all the wonderful D-bags of 2008 I realized people from the Food Network kept popping up. So somehow the idea turned into this handy guide to the douchebags and non-douchebags of the Food Network.

*Quick note: If anyone comments that I am “jealous” of any of these people I will hunt you down and pee in your mouth.

OK, here’s the list in order of shittiest to least crappy.

#1 GUY FIERI (tie)
SUPER ULTRA TOOL
Oh Guy, sweet sweet Guy. This is your 3rd appearance on my list, congratulations you big fucking turd! I hate you and your 1950’s via 1992 Swingers clothes and if I hear you describe a sandwich as “money” one more time fire will shoot from my ears. The sight of your fat, sweaty face is about as appetizing as watching a homeless person puke on a pile of dog shit.




#1 DUFF GOLDMAN (tie)
MEGA COCK HOLE
Duff and his whole staff of wannabe cool kids bug the living shit out of me. NERDS! You can throw devil horns in the air all you want and grow a little pussy beard but you will never hide the fact that you are a dork. By the way, when I say “pussy beard” I mean it literally looks the pubic hair of a girl in Penthouse. The best part about this jerk is that his cakes AREN’T EVEN CAKE! He makes his “cakes” out of rice krispies, wood, metal and rope. Delicious! “Blow out your candles Bobby but DON’T eat the cake, I repeat do not try and eat your cake, you will die!”




#2 EMERIL LAGASSE
FAT, LOUD TURD
This guy is shit from head to toe. Why is it that the quickest way to the general public’s heart is to trim your identity down to one simple concept? Larry The Cable Guy has his “git ‘er done” and Emeril has his trademark “BAM” to fire up his audience of drooling underachievers. He’s a crappy chef and an even crappier piece of crap.




#3 RACHAEL RAY
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
Welcome back to the list Rachael! You still suck and you’re still loud and abrasive like a chainsaw ripping through a chain link fence. Is she married? I can not imagine a worse fate than marrying that mouth of hers. She is exactly the kind of woman I could never date. Even if she was super hot, which she is not, I would not be able to take that voice and the incessant cutesy “EVOO” “yummers” bullshit.




#4 PAULA DEEN
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
If you put me in a room with Rachael Ray and Paula Deen I guarantee I could claw my way through brick and steel to escape. Boy do I hate “aw shucks” down-home country charm. She’s the Forrest Gump of the Food Network. I bet she fucking LOVED Sarah Palin and her folksy stupidity.




#5 BOBBY FLAY
ASS
This guy thinks he’s the Fonzie of the Food Network. Why is he always “throwing down” and challenging people? We get it, you’re a street smart kid who grew up on the mean streets of New York. Can’t he let some guy in South Carolina be the best at making chili? Does he have to blow into town with the intention of taking everyone down a notch? Sit on it Flay!




#6 ALTON BROWN
BORDERLINE DOUCHEBAG
Eh, I guess Alton Brown is OK for the most part but he does have a pinch of doucheiness don’t you think? He’s a little perky for my taste and I get the impression he thinks he’s cool. Not so much, Alton. He’s right in the middle between sucking and being awesome because he is extremely knowledgeable and owns a motorcycle.




#7 TYLER FLORENCE
SEEMS OK TO ME
I don’t know, he seems nice enough, right? He’s not very annoying and that’s probably why the Food Netowrk has only given him one show. Come on Tyler, turn the annoying knob to 11 and you might get 2 or 3 more shows. Try yelling more!






#8 MARIO BATLI
FULL OF HIMSELF BUT STILL AWESOME
Yeah, Mario thinks he’s the shit and he likes to brag about the celebrities he hangs with but his amazing talent trumps all of that. “Molto Mario” is one of the all-time great programs on the Food Network. This guy knows his shit and it’s fascinating to listen to him discuss Italian cuisine. I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants and it was awesome. Suck it Emeril!




#9 JAMIE OLIVER
AWESOME
I used to HATE Jamie Oliver but I can’t remember why exactly. I do remember when I started liking him though. There was a reality show that chronicled his opening of a restaurant that was to be completely staffed by troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks. This was no bullshit show, these kids were “bad” and although they constantly screwed Jamie over he never gave up on them. It was honestly inspiring and made me love the guy. Sorry for having feelings!




#10 GIADA DE LAURENTIIS
BOOBS!
Sorry girls, it’s just the way things go. Sure Giada is pretty annoying but Jesus Christ does she know how to dress and flash that cleavage! She seems like a good chef but I am usually too hypnotized by the boobs to notice. OK, her head is huge (physically) and she’s overly enthusiastic but she’s hot and loves to show off that kissing cleavage. That alone is enough to make her the most awesome Food Network chef. Sorry, It’s my fucking list!

This was torture. I am never putting this much work into this blog again.

I’M RACHAEL RAY AND I LIKE TO YELL! OH BOY LOOK AT THIS SANDWICH, IT LOOKS YUMMERS! JUST NEEDS A LITTLE EVOO! YUM-O!”

Please rip my ears off and put expanding insulating foam in my bleeding ear holes! Why is it that the more annoying a person is the more likely they will be hugely popular? Especially when it comes to the Food Network. It’s a parade of loud mouth jerks on that channel.

Rachel Ray is so painfully boring I can barely find the strength to write about how much better I am than her. Are white, suburban women really so bored with life that all it takes is a slightly less-bland version of themselves to make them lose their minds with excitement? I think I’m a little jealous of these people. I walk around all day wanting to fling poop in everyone’s face but these women drop their panties with excitement anytime Rachael Ray says “EVOO.” I want their blind happiness. I want to find “EVOO” charming rather than something that causes me to black out from rage. Save me Rachael Ray!

I will now show you something that should shake you to your very soul. It should make you question everything. You might want to drink 7 beers before looking at this photo.