Jan 26 2009

ABC’s Lost and me for watching it!

Published by at 3:00 am under Sucky TV,Why?!?

ben linus lost

Originally I was just going to write about one thing I hate about ABC’s hit show “Lost” but I fell into a minor rage spiral and now I have to mention a few things that make me crazy about this show. Here are the top 5 things that piss me off about Lost…

1) Ben Linus and his inability to blink.
You may recognize actor Michael Emerson who plays Benjamin Linus from nothing. You might also recognize that he suffers from “Hannibal Lecter Syndrome” which prevents an actor from blinking while in the process of over-acting. HLS usually strikes actors playing bad guys but it can affect anyone. Andrew McCarthy suffered from HLS during most of the 80’s, ultimately ending his career.

2) All the men on the island and their inability to grow beards.
No matter how long these hunky hunks are stuck on this stupid magical island they lack the ability to grow more than 3 days’ worth of stubble. I don’t care if it’s only a TV show, I want BEARDS!

3) Jack’s inability to not breathe heavily.
For those of you smart enough to avoid this show, Jack Shephard is our hero and he’s played by non-beard-growing Matthew Fox. Whether he’s climbing a steep hill or picking up a coconut Jack is out of breath. You see, by sucking wind like a marathon runner an actor is able to communicate just how good he is at acting. The more intense the breathing, the better the acting. It’s simple science.

4) Everyone’s inability to not be able to not make a torch.
How are these jerks making torches? What is their source of fuel? Fuck you and your perfect torches!

5) Me and my inability to stop watching.
Why do I watch every week? Why do I allow these writers to force me to watch season after no-beard season when I am certain they have no idea how to answer all the questions raised by their own story? I hate myself.

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33 comments so far

33 comments to “ABC’s Lost and me for watching it!”

  1. Yubberson 26 Jan 2009 at 7:12 am

    I never started this show for it’s obvious ability to send people into media induced comas. If I’m going to sit my silly ass in front of a t.v. for hours on end I may as well watch acclaimed shows such as Battlestar Gallactica or X-Files. I can easily say I’m not a fan of sci-fi- but at least these shows are tried and true. Get fucked Lost. Or better yet- get Lost…. Lost!

  2. guilty noodleson 26 Jan 2009 at 8:31 am

    Ha! This post made me snicker. I stopped watching Lost several seasons ago when it started to get all sci-fi, which is kind of funny because I LOVED X-Files. I guess it just didn’t fit with the Giligan’s Island kind of theme.

    My husband’s still into it and so are his colleagues. I was stuck having some Irish dude and his uptight American wife come over to watch the season premiere at my house (where the invite was originally at their place, but NO, the wife needed a 2 week notice), as they ate my homemade cookies, drank my wine, while I waited for them to leave so I could go to bed. Damn that Lost.

    So, your post made my day. You’ve hit every reason that show shouldn’t ever waste my valuable time.

  3. Anneon 26 Jan 2009 at 9:07 am

    #5!! I get so mad at myself for getting so invested in the damn story!! Do they put caffeine in the water or blow cocaine dust out of my TV to make me HAVE to turn it on every week? What the hell?!

  4. Creature of Habiton 26 Jan 2009 at 9:16 am

    I like this show. But I’ve only seen the first two seasons. I missed the first 4 or 5 episodes of season 3 and was therefore totally fucking lost and couldn’t follow the rest. Now I fear I could never catch up, so I will have to watch on Netflix or something. What season are they on?

  5. You Just Made My List!on 26 Jan 2009 at 9:22 am

    They just started season 4. Before the premier episode they ran a recap of the entire show that was sort of helpful.

    I don’t hate Lost, I just don’t like it enough to justify the amount of space it takes up in my brain.

  6. Mr. Kickers, Sr.on 26 Jan 2009 at 9:31 am

    I watched the first season and was hooked. It was refreshing to see something different on network television. However, there were enough misses in the first season to raise a flag that the show was going to have a hard time maintaining its quality. My fears proved to be true and the show soon lost me quickly into the second season. I wish American television producers would realize limited run series are better than running a show into the ground, only canceling it once viewership wanes. Lost would have been an amazing one-two season show – as long as the writers had a clue where to go with it. Instead, the writers have to keep milking it season after season until ABC axes the show and they will have to hastily wrap up all the loose ends. I hope it turns out it was all just a character’s dream, or better yet, the actors are just action figures and the we discover the last five seasons have been a boy playing in the sand on the beach with them.

  7. SanFranon 26 Jan 2009 at 9:43 am

    Now, I literally don’t watch TV – not because it’s some self-righteous motivation – but because I work in the TV/Film biz and the last thing I want to do in my non-work time is look at the damn tube…

    LOST aside.

    After the season is over, I’ll rent it off of iTunes, and it is the absolute perfect way to pick off a plane ride or two, or five… Think about it, the 47 or so minutes of each episode is great, because on the six hour flight to Boston and back, I can optimize the above 10,000 feet time quite nicely. I even have two batteries, which is plenty for this. Normal movies often exceed flying time, and you have to close down the laptop before the second one is over.

    I dunno – there is something about it – I agree with List on everything – but it’s like crack. I also do the same thing with 24, no matter how ridiculous it is.

  8. hodanon 26 Jan 2009 at 11:00 am

    Suckers! the only season i’ve ever sat through was the first season, ever since then i’ve been watching the recaps and not missed a beat.Lost is that kind of show you can leave behind for a couple of seasons and pick it right up because they use too many unrelated or unnecessary subplots. any idea when they are gonna wrap up?

  9. SanFranon 26 Jan 2009 at 11:02 am

    hodan: tomorrow or the next day, at least that’s what I heard on the street.

  10. rachelon 26 Jan 2009 at 11:06 am

    #5–Nailed IT! I effing LOVE this show, even though my husband claims I am going down with a sinking ship. It has a similar addictive quality to Twin Peaks. (not nearly as good,…or weird). Until they get David Lynch back on network TV…I’m in.

    #4– They totally went to the “Land of the Lost” Torch-Making-Weekend-Intensive. Hosted by Enik.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 26 Jan 2009 at 11:17 am

    Twin Peaks was the SHIT! I re-watched it on DVD a few years ago and it really holds up. Plus you have to remember that it was REALLY way ahead of its time. Great show.

  12. Yours Trulyon 26 Jan 2009 at 12:16 pm

    I’m just going to come right out and say it: I am not a fan of Lost. There’s too many crappy shows on t.v. today. I’m talking about 24, Prison Break after the first season, CSI: NY, NCIS, slutty-teenagers-go-to-rich-high-school, the last nine seasons of the Simpsons, and anything with Howie Mandel. #5 can extend to cover any show other than House or South Park.

    But that’s just my opinion LOL!!!11!!:)

  13. MyOpinion...on 26 Jan 2009 at 1:03 pm

    I’m with you on the whole issue of whether or not the writers even know how their own story plays out. Also, House sucks, YT. It’s just some asshole who treats people like shit every week, wherein, despite the fact that he is, supposedly, an amazing doctor at a very well-to-do hospital, he invariably encounters a disease so obscure that he has either not heard of it, or, failing that, never encountered nor expected to encounter. And yet, the disease is, conveniently, not so obscure as to be relatively impossible to encounter at such a location. Very stale, very boring, very trite, yet more or less medically accurate in the science it portrays, which, of course, makes it a pretty good show according to people who are morons. Also, Lost sucks, balls.

  14. Yours Trulyon 26 Jan 2009 at 4:05 pm

    @ MyOpinion…: You DARE to mock House? That fills me with so much rage it gives me a stroke that only House can misdiagnose so my symptoms get worse and House can reveal that the first treatment failed because I ACTUALLY have a different (yet easy to treat) disease that sounds like it was made up so the show can neatly wrap up on a high note.

  15. Yours Trulyon 26 Jan 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Behold my mighty run-on sentence, above.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 26 Jan 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I hate House and all doctor shows, lawyer shows and cop shows. Almost every fucking drama falls into one of these played out categories.

    I am GREAT!

  17. rachelon 26 Jan 2009 at 4:33 pm

    and why the eff is that piece of shit E.R. still on? i’m going to ask Jesus, when i meet him.

  18. You Just Made My List!on 26 Jan 2009 at 5:08 pm

    E.R. is the WORST!

  19. Paul in Saint Paulon 26 Jan 2009 at 5:33 pm

    I knew not to get mixed up with Lost as soon as I heard it was from the mind that created Alias, the Jennifer Garner spy show, which had its claws into me for way too long, and would have been great if they’d stuck to espionage, wigs, phony accents, stunt casting for guest stars, double-crossing, and more wigs, but they blew the whole show to shit when they introduced some sort of Nostrodamus prophecy and magic potions. It did not meld with a spy show and really ruined it. I feared Lost might start off well and then sink into the confused silliness of Alias. It seems I’ve been proven right and for once have avoided watching a show to its bitter, unearned end.

  20. Yours Trulyon 26 Jan 2009 at 5:46 pm

    What about spinoff shows? The first that comes to mind is that PoS “Joey”, I think E.R. had one (or some other shitty doctor show), and rumor has it that Family Guy is making a spinoff with Cleveland as the main character.

    @ YJMML: the only good doctor show in existence is House, just because House is so mean.

  21. guilty noodleson 26 Jan 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Hahahahaha, Yours Truly. As much as formulaic House is, I still love that show and am in absolute ecstasy watching him mock everyone. Although that might be because I’m just as much a vicodin addict as he is.

  22. SanFranon 26 Jan 2009 at 8:06 pm

    guilty noodles: could you email me some vicodin, please?

  23. guilty noodleson 26 Jan 2009 at 11:07 pm

    San Fran, find a shitty doctor (they’re everywhere sadly) who wants to get you out of the office as fast as possible and ask for a prescription for vicodin (or the higher dosage of vicodin, Lortab), valium and percocet. Also, tell them you have HMO BCBS and meds are cheaper if they come in quantities of 90.

    I find most doctors to be high end drug dealers. Oh, and the older the doctor, the larger chance of the dude prescribing it all to you.

  24. You Just Made My List!on 26 Jan 2009 at 11:14 pm

    This post has taken a weird turn.

  25. Jeffon 27 Jan 2009 at 6:16 am

    I agree – habitual consumption of prescription drugs is definitely off-topic, though might help you through some episodes of Lost.

    Mad Men, In Treatment, and House (occasionally) are really worth watching. Everything else, including Lost, just helps me pass time painlessly before having to go back to work.

    And, agree, Twin Peaks 1st season is possibly the best show ever made.

  26. guilty noodleson 27 Jan 2009 at 10:51 am

    Sorry, my bad.

  27. You Just Made My List!on 27 Jan 2009 at 10:54 am

    Mad Men is excellent. It’s almost as good as People’s Court.

  28. SanFranon 27 Jan 2009 at 11:31 am

    Truth be told, the most potent pain-killer I’ve ever taken was a half-tablet of Tylenol with Codeine, after blowing out my knee in High School. Didn’t like the way it made me feel, so I just dealt with the pain (and because I’m bad-ass, of course).

    And, yes: it seems like the Docs are super willing to prescribe something.. ANYTHING!!!! While in training for the Boston Marathon a few years back, I was experiencing some knee pain, and on the first visit, which was only to get a referral to PT, my doctor suggested SURGERY, without even knowing what the problem was, and in the meantime, here is a Rx for some sort of painkiller.. I went to PT, and they discovered it was just a problem with my shoes…

    Also, a few years back, I was working for a start-up, far too many hours, not enough exercise – the usual routine: anyhow, my BP was a bit high, and the nurse practitioner was going to suggest to the Md that I get on some low-level beta-blocker… What? I said “I prefer a lifestyle change”, and she just kind of looked at me, quizzically.

    Drug companies spend big money wining and dining doctors, and making it worth their while to favor one drug over another… so you have to be your own best advocate… as the pressures to prescribe are great. Uggh. we’re doomed.

  29. guilty noodleson 27 Jan 2009 at 12:18 pm

    San Fran, as off topic as this, I totally agree. I actually get letters from drug companies reminding me to refill my prescriptions. REMINDERS!!!

    Tylenol with codeine is the worst, btw. That shit is worthless.

  30. guilty noodleson 27 Jan 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Back on topic: I LOVE IN TREATMENT. My husband cringes every time I start talking about Gabriel Byrne. That man is damn sexy.

  31. justapersonon 22 Mar 2009 at 6:08 pm

    I was about to say the only thing I liked about the show house was that the main character is a drug addict like most everyone else. But SanFran shut me down on that one.

    HA!!!

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