Jan 29 2009

AKON!

Published by at 3:00 am under Crappy Music

akon ringtons

I barely know who AKON is and I would like to keep it that way. I think he might be one of those guys who sings with the robot voice but I could not name one song by him. Are they really even songs?

So why would I put this young man on my list? You might think it’s because his music sucks but there is so much bad music out there I would never have time to complain about all of it. You might think it’s because he got kicked off Gwen Stefani’s tour and dropped by Verizon after dry humping a 15 year old on stage but no. AKON is on my list because of a quick interview with him that I saw today on the morning “news.” He was explaining how he writes/records/mixes songs with ringtones in mind. Seriously, this turd was explaining how when he is mixing tracks in the studio he will listen back on a cell phone to hear how they will sound as a ringtone. As I type this I am so full of rage I might have to punch myself in the face! A CELL PHONE! FUCK OFF!

Could you imagine telling The Clash, The Who, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Pixies, The Ramones, The Replacements (insert awesome band here) that they had to tailor their songs to sound good on a cell phone speaker the size of a grain of rice? I’m guessing even Weird Al would tell you to go fuck yourself.

    16 comments so far

    16 comments to “AKON!”

    1. Peteon 29 Jan 2009 at 7:28 am

      Almost all rap is poop. Ringtones, by definition, imply melody, and most rap is rhythm-based. Few people run around humming rap songs, because there usually isn’t much of a melody to hum. Speaking from the inside of the music industry, I can tell you that most rap artists are not professional. They don’t care about punctuality or rules or anything like that. They arrive late for shows, typically give a weak 45 minute set, then blow. It’s like a heist. Especially given that a band isn’t required. It’s just a turntable or even a laptop playing the dumb “songs,” and the guy raps into a mic. We’re not talking braintrusts of talent here.

    2. Yours Trulyon 29 Jan 2009 at 8:11 am

      Those pics with the 15 year old are seriously messed up. What a peddler of files.

    3. rachelon 29 Jan 2009 at 9:58 am

      and who is T-Payne? christ, am i old?

    4. SanFranon 29 Jan 2009 at 10:47 am

      I’ve never heard of this guy… and like you, would prefer to keep it that way…

      Regarding mixing for cell phones: Also speaking from within the media biz (more on the moving picture side for me though), we always used to have a single little Auratone mono speaker that we’d mix the audio down to – even in the 1/4 million dollar audio suite.. because the vast majority would be watching the shows on a TV with tiny speakers, or listening to the spots on some crappy car radio. Sure, it had to sound great on the expensive Genelec’s, too!

      Granted, this was different than actually starting the creative process with a cell phone ringtone in mind… but if you don’t mix for the lowest common denominator, you run the risk of it sounding like crap for the vast majority.

      This guy still sucks though.

    5. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jan 2009 at 11:06 am

      San Fran – “Horror-tone!” I was in a band for almost 10 years and we had our own protools studio. We recorded/mixed all of our own albums and always listened back on as many systems as possible. I always found that if I could get it to sound good on my stock Ford stereo I was good to go. It wasn’t easy though because our band was somewhat “electronic” by nature and getting deep, warm bass to even be audible when recording fully digital took some skill. It also took an expensive “analog tape saturation simulator!” Analog will always kick serious ass over digital when it comes to capturing music.

    6. SanFranon 29 Jan 2009 at 11:58 am

      YJMML: Horror-tone is right! They were pretty awful, and I never understood exactly why those speakers were as pricey as they were. Eventually, we discovered that Radio Shack sold a similar such item for like 29.99 that sounded damn near close-enough.

      Yeah, I remember the audio engineer at the production house I was at would always grab an audio cassette (and eventually, a CD, when the time came) and ask for the keys for those of us with crappy cars and he’d go listen out there, and maybe smoke a joint.

      while on-topic with recording studios, and somewhat on-topic with the topic at hand, the other thing I didn’t get were the Yamaha NS10′s – we had tissue paper elastic-banded over the tweeters as not to completely destroy your ears. Those friggin monitors were EVERYWHERE…

    7. hodanon 29 Jan 2009 at 12:16 pm

      this is why I gave up on rap.my brothers might love it but it’s crap to me.especially now that they think they’re all dance instructors.NO! i will not snap my fingers and do a fucking bird walk!

    8. SanFranon 29 Jan 2009 at 3:38 pm

      [takes pistol out of holster and starts shooting at Hodan's feet]

      DANCE, MONKEY!!!

    9. Christineon 29 Jan 2009 at 3:53 pm

      My ringtone is “(White Man) in Hammersmith Palais,” and it sounds awesome even with the tiny speaker. In your face, Akon!

      To defend rap, a lot of it is garbage, but so is a lot of other music. Then there is classic stuff like Public Enemy which has held up well over time. I will forever love Chuck D for introducing the phrase “the dumbassification of America” into my vocabulary. I’m just going to pretend the reunion tour didn’t happen though.

    10. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jan 2009 at 3:58 pm

      I’m not against rap at all, I just hate about 99% of the rap produced now. From the mid 80′s to the mid 90′s there was some seriously amazing hip hop created.

    11. hodanon 29 Jan 2009 at 4:33 pm

      @ SanFran: Never!!!!!!!

    12. Kieron Mooreon 30 Jan 2009 at 3:36 am

      he is prick… he keeps releasing songs in the UK and for some reason 15 year old girls keep buying them (maybe in the hope that he will try and child molest them too)

      I dont think i can say much more about this with wanting to stab an effigy of him…. infact i think i will… where is that piece of hardened shit i keep for just such occassions

    13. DJon 30 Jan 2009 at 10:13 pm

      I don’t know who is writing this blog but kudos to whom ever you are because you hit the nail right on the head. This is the problem with the so called “music” industry nowdays; it is tailored to appeal for a quick second and then it’s gone. How pathetic, no long lasting hits, no legends, no more Stevie Ray Vaughns or Randy Rhoads or Eddie Van Halens, now it’s all bubble gum and fun-boy, wanna be like someone-else type of bullshit. Here’s a suggestion (not that you might need any, I might add)you should expose the JONAS brothers for the lyp-synching, choreograped little fake guitar playing princesses that they are, too. They remind me of HANSEN, or HANSON… wtf-ever.Point is, talent is not required, and if all one can do is sing a ‘lil bit, then that’s what they are looking to force upon us next. Oh, and you gotta look like a DOUCHE, too. I agree with the moderator- FUCK OFF.
      I’m gonna sit down here in Texas and play my guitar by myself up until these no talent having ass holes provide me with some sort of REAL competition before I ever let ‘em hear my axe out loud.
      PEACE

    14. Kateon 31 Jan 2009 at 12:05 pm

      You are awesome! Everytime
      I come back to your blog there is one more bit of awesomeness for me to agree with! Keep hating and so will I!!!

    15. Patrickon 07 Feb 2009 at 2:59 am

      Well, that pretty much explains Akon. T-Pain, by the way, is quite talented. I saw him live, he was good. He actually can sing.

    16. Gon 11 Jan 2012 at 9:58 am

      Well that so called akon is who signed lady GaGa to his label so he must know something about music because everyone’s clamoring about her personally I think she’s garbage but to each their own.

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