Feb 04 2009


Published by at 3:00 am under Why?!?


Yeah that’s right, I have a terrible hangover so this post is going to suck balls. When I get a hangover it renders me useless for the entire next day. I literally spent the day sick on the couch (not including when I was sleeping on the bathroom floor).

Rather than try to be creative I will simply tell you about the last time I got absolutely blind drunk. I attended a wedding for a couple I did not know well so I sought companionship from several gin and tonics at the open bar. The wedding reception was followed with a stop or two at some local bars. Sometime around 4am I woke up and punched myself in the face. I guess I’m an angry drunk. During this self-induced face punch my thumb went up my nose causing blood to pour all over the place. Still drunk I stumbled to the bathroom to attend to my nose and to possibly barf. I should mention by this point I was literally soaked from cold sweats. So there I was with my face resting on the toilet seat which was now covered in sweat and blood. The room was spinning and I desperately wanted to throw up but just could not make it happen. For some reason I decided I needed to poop so I stood up on my shaky legs. The next thing I remember was a loud crash that sounded exactly like my head hitting the floor. Turns out it was my head hitting the floor. The crash woke me up so I stood again, pulled down my sweaty, bloody underwear and sat on the toilet. In the meantime my wife woke to a blood soaked bed and a missing husband. She walked to the bathroom and was trying to open the door but I held it closed. What happened next still confuses me. I sat there on the toilet whimpering and speaking pure gibberish. I mean I was sitting there really balling bawling like a crazy person.  I never pooped or barfed.

I did not drink for a long time after that.

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Hangovers!”

  1. Yubberson 04 Feb 2009 at 4:52 am

    Holy Crap.

    This is the bestest post ever.

    I don’t think I’ve heard a wackier story than this. I mean- I’ve heard wacky things.. but this is very “wtf??” “Really???” “For Serious??”

    High five for surviving!

    I think my worst experience was stumbling in my parents house (minor), pleading innocent that I was not drunk, opening a can of Pepsi (which I don’t drink soda, dead giveaway) that was shooken up and flew all over the walls. I gave up on trying to “play it cool” screamed at my mom “I don’t want to be here anymore! (Be drunk anymore)” and vomited on her shoes. While she was wearing them. She made me drink a bottle of old, opened wine the next day to worsen my hangover and make me hate my life just a little more.

    Upside? My bunny layed with me the entire time I was vomiting off the side of my bed.

    Fuck alcohol.

  2. Xinaon 04 Feb 2009 at 5:06 am

    I’m sure everyone has their own “best of” being drunk story. I’d share mine, but since the trial is still pending I’m legally not at liberty to do so. Let’s just say it invovles vodka, what looked like gallons of blood, a dumpster and a set of expensive spoons.

    ‘Nuff said.

  3. Jasonon 04 Feb 2009 at 6:38 am

    For a time in my life I was a well practiced drunk. I have many stories similar to yours without the blood pouring from my nose. I like this one the best for reasons that will be clear at the end. At the end of my sophomore year of college I took a job at an italian eatery. I began asking out this girl that I worked with and was refused over and over again. Hormones raging, I began a physical relationship with another girl but was still interested in Girl #1. The relationship with Girl #2 ended(by my choice, not hers) and Girl #1 decided that my persistence had finally won her over. We were at a party and as the party ended she invited me to sleep in her bed. The next day Girl #2 told Girl #1 that we were still involved(not true at all) and Girl #1 would no longer speak to me. A week later my advisor invited me to a party and being that I was heartsick and proceeded to get extremely drunk. After I peed off of my advisors porch they decided it was time I went home and made arragements for a driver to take me there. The next morning I wake up on Girl #1’s sofa with only one shoe on. I went into her room and asked how I got there. She asked me the same thing. She said I was passed out on her couch when she came home and wanted to know how I got into her house. I had no idea and I tried to explain my relationship with Girl #2 and she told me Girl #2 had already fessed up to lying and Girl #1 told me to shut up and get in bed. Which I did, and am still doing after 10+years together. I’m really glad she didn’t call the police when she found me passed out on her couch after I broke into her house.

  4. Jasonon 04 Feb 2009 at 6:41 am

    There are a few details I omitted from this story in an attempt to keep it brief. I guess I didn’t really do that but I did try.

  5. guilty noodleson 04 Feb 2009 at 7:47 am

    Thank you, YJMML. You just made my day. I feel for your wife. I really do.

  6. Saraon 04 Feb 2009 at 8:17 am

    What a coinkidink, I myself am shaking off a hangover today. My best friend and I enjoy doing shots of tequila and yelling at American Idol (which also leads to me shaking off laryngitus this morning). I also found out this morning I aparently ate pizza last night….Bacon Pizza, I fucking hate bacon pizza!

    oh ummmmm, why was your underwear bloody? You may have forgoten more the most interesting part of that night

  7. SanFranon 04 Feb 2009 at 9:50 am

    Being the most impatient patient ever, at least in the history of me, I so despise feeling sick that it effectively keeps me from getting drunk. The prospect of self-induced down-time is just no longer an option.

    This, of course, was realized by way of research… Lots of research.

  8. CreatureofHabiton 04 Feb 2009 at 10:20 am

    Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LMAO….. I’m shitting myself just reading this. I think you have the best stories ever.

    Ok – now, you know what story you need to tell…..

  9. You Just Made My List!on 04 Feb 2009 at 10:23 am

    Which story? I’m scared but give me a hint.

  10. Saraon 04 Feb 2009 at 3:57 pm

    The Story of why your underwear was bloody.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 04 Feb 2009 at 4:08 pm

    My underwear was bloody from my bloody nose, I think. I hope. The events of that evening are a tad fuzzy.

  12. Yubberson 04 Feb 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Sara = spectacular. That was great.

  13. Yours Trulyon 04 Feb 2009 at 5:08 pm

    If you couldn’t throw up, why didn’t you just stick your finger down your throat? It works for fashion models.

  14. You Just Made My List!on 04 Feb 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Yours Truly – I am one of those people who only barfs once every 10 years. I just don’t throw up ever, even in extreme cases like this.

  15. SanFranon 04 Feb 2009 at 6:17 pm

    YJMML: I understand a bloody nose. I can even understand bloody underwear, however sick…

    What I can’t wrap my head around is your bloody nose in your underwear.

  16. rxon 04 Feb 2009 at 11:29 pm


    at my old job’s christmas party in 2007, i got so loaded on so many kinds of alcohol that i (in chronological order) – posed for a very long series of sexy girl pictures, flirted with a bartender, puked in the corner of the room, flirted with a coworker in a different department, karaoke’ed ‘love shack’ without my shoes on, lost the lipstick i bought 4 hours prior, (black out), woke up in the public bathroom literally hugging the base of the toilet, stumbled out to find the lights on and the wait staff cleaning up because it was close to 4am, was escorted through the building to find my desk (i forgot where it was) to get my coat and purse. i don’t know how i got home, and i had to work the next day. i woke up to my cell phone ringing and my boss screaming at me to get my stupid drunk ass in. as soon as i got to work i went straight to the bathroom, puked and passed out. my coworkers gave me $20 and put me in a cab. i spent the next 24h in my bed in the dark frequently leaning over a bucket.

    didn’t drink for 3 months after.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 05 Feb 2009 at 10:01 am

    RX – That story made me relive my hangover. I feel your pain. Is it wrong that there’s something kind of sexy about that story? Probably.

  18. Christineon 05 Feb 2009 at 4:17 pm

    I kind of like having a hangover. Not the throwing up and headache part, but the part right after the hangover is over and everything is in soft focus and relaxed and I’m watching a “Rockford Files” marathon and drinking 7-Up.

    Yeah, looking this over, maybe I need to give up drinking. But I will never give up watching reruns, curled up in a blanket, drinking 7-Up. Never! It is my Alpha and Omega.