Mar 04 2009

Every driver who is not me!

Published by at 3:03 am under Awesome!

lowrider girl

God damn I’m a good driver!

You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.

While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.

Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I am the world’s best driver.

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23 comments so far

23 comments to “Every driver who is not me!”

  1. Yubberson 04 Mar 2009 at 3:19 am

    This is the most ridiculous post. Ever.

  2. Xinaon 04 Mar 2009 at 4:51 am

    Try putting on nylons while going 75mph down the road and then come talk to me about being a good driver.

  3. Jeffon 04 Mar 2009 at 5:58 am

    Xina – I think YJMML is male, but I also think he’s the kind of male who wears pantyhose so he might just have you on that as well.

  4. Yours Trulyon 04 Mar 2009 at 6:26 am

    So does this mean you put yourself on your own “awesome” list?

  5. guilty noodleson 04 Mar 2009 at 8:24 am

    That was you????

  6. Paul in Saint Paulon 04 Mar 2009 at 8:33 am

    Please come to Minnesota and share your magnificent gifts with the populace here. Apparently up north the idea of passing on the left exists only in the abstract, because people here and in Wisconsin can mosey in the left lane for minutes or hours at a time. They would be crushed on the Kennedy or Dan Ryan in Chicago. Also, please bring those nylons. I think a well-shot video of you shimmying into them while driving full-speed in reverse, passing UPS trucks, and texting will get you a sure slot on America’s Got Talent.

  7. justapersonon 04 Mar 2009 at 9:33 am

    Most Texas drivers are just as bad. They sit there and wait for you to approach the intersection and then bust out right in front of you, or whilst approaching the red light they cut in front of you so that they can be first in line, and then when the light turns green, guess what? They just sit there. THE FAST LANE? Yeah right. Everyone wants to be a policemen, deliberatley cutting in front of you so that they can “slow you down” somehow. WTF !!! I drive a high performance vehicle that I PAID FOR WITH MY OWN DAMN MONEY!!! If I want a speeding ticket then isn’t it my god given right to go out and get one?? It seems that around here if you drive a fast, sporty car you are an immediate target for the snails that want to police the roads. It’s not just in Minnesota, my friend PAUL, it is EVERYWHERE

  8. Ronon 04 Mar 2009 at 10:29 am

    Perhaps you need to give some lessons to the stupid college twat that I drove behind for 10 fucking blocks a couple of years ago, on a one-way street with no way to pass her. This fine young scholar drove at a steady pace of 10mph the entire way – exactly the same speed my blood pressure was rising. She also added in frequent sudden stops for no reason other than to look around.

    After the 10th block, our heroine pulls off to the left side. I look over, ready to praise her skills with several choice words, but was rendered speechless: She was talking on her cell phone, holding a huge fountain drink with the other hand, and steering with her knees.

    I have my doubts that she’s lived through college.

  9. T-Ravon 04 Mar 2009 at 11:53 am

    That girl on the car in that picture is hot!

  10. You Just Made My List!on 04 Mar 2009 at 11:59 am

    Thank you, she is one of my many lovers.

  11. Saraon 04 Mar 2009 at 12:45 pm

    I take it from past responses this is the place to rant about bad drivers?

    Assholes of the world listen…..

    USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS!! There is this magic wand that with the wave of your hand you can tell people which way your going…like if you making a left onto the road I’ve been waiting forever to pull out of because assholes like you dont use a turn signal. And if your trying to merge or cut into my lane all sneaky like I will assume that your just vearing drunk if you dont have the consideration to use a turn signal

    Oh Oh! and people who keep going through a green light even though the traffic is backed up, then when YOUR light turns green and the asshole is sitting in the middle of the intersection they try realy hard not to make eye contact as I honk and swear and throw my birthday brownies (with lots of sticky icing!) at their car

  12. SanFranon 04 Mar 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I challenge you to a drive-off, Listman.

    You’ll be hearing from my agent.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 04 Mar 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Everyone – Yes, yes, let the anger out. Let it pour through you. Feel the hate!

    SanFran – You are on. I will drive the shit out of you! I don’t know what that means but it can’t be good for one, possibly both, of us.

  14. SanFranon 04 Mar 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Even though Bullitt was filmed when I was negative 5 years old, I taught Steve McQueen everything he knows about driving.

    Your ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower.

  15. Brianon 04 Mar 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I’m always curious; what’s up with the guy with the imaginary girlfriend? You know, the guy who has his arm around the back of the empty passenger seat. First of all, it’s dangerous. Second of all, I tried it out just to see if I was missing anything, and it hurt my arm. I might need the Tommy John surgery.

  16. MalaSuerteon 04 Mar 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Please, please… any time one of you-all can work a double-clutch in high heels AND get paid to drive on a regular basis then you can come to my throne.
    I sit there and mutter and chain-smoke all day long.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 04 Mar 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Mala – I should have clarified that I am the world’s best amateur driver. BUT look out, when I become a pro you are going to get a run for your money.

    I have always wanted to be a trucker but only for the driving. I don’t want to actually have to haul and deliver stuff. I want driving big rigs to be me hobby.

    What do you transport?

  18. robotunaon 04 Mar 2009 at 4:53 pm

    A key element to being a great driver that often gets overlooked is gas and break pedal finesse. I don’t want to be jerked around when in the passenger seat. There used to be this guy in my band who had a bit of lead foot…

  19. You Just Made My List!on 04 Mar 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Robotuna – You are on the brink of getting banned you god damn son of a motherfucker ass balls!

    Don’t test me!!!

  20. Saraon 05 Mar 2009 at 8:50 am

    Brian: I love the fake girlfriend guy, another favorite is the one that reclines his seat to a practicaly horizontal level. I personaly am the talk to myself while driving and have caught people staring at me, or into my car to find the ghost I’m talking to. I’ve taken to wearing a bluetooth so I’m less conspicuous

  21. MalaSuerteon 08 Mar 2009 at 2:44 am

    The way the economy looks right now it might as well be a hobby– I haul anything that fits in a 53′ trailer; and I’m currently running 48 states.
    Hey, drove through Chicago last week for the first time in a couple of years– hooray for the open tolling!! Still sucks paying to drive on an interstate, but at least now I don’t have to wait in line and listen to people fight over the CB.

  22. MalaSuerteon 08 Mar 2009 at 2:46 am

    Oh yeah, the CB is another advantage of going pro– we gotta roll back to the ’70s on that one, I think everyone should have a radio. Watching someone be a total turd in traffic? Frustrating. The instant gratification of TELLING said turd what a jerk they are?
    Priceless.

  23. […] was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m […]