Apr 20 2009

Denim shorts!

Published by at 3:01 am under I Don't Get It

denim shorts

No. Never. NEVER!

What is wrong with you people? Why are you wearing miniature jeans? Are you a doll? Do you have tiny doll legs?

Unless you are the sound guy for Jeff Foxworthy and it’s 1991 it’s time to retire your jean shorts. In fact, you might be a redneck if you are STILL FUCKING WEARING DENIM SHORTS!

I have complied a list of everything that is better than denim shorts…

1. Everything.

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31 comments so far

31 comments to “Denim shorts!”

  1. jasonon 20 Apr 2009 at 5:30 am

    I guess I’m that redneck. I like and wear denim shorts. I suppose you’re list of things better than denim shorts includes those long plaid shorts that you see kids wearing hanging off their asses. WTF ever man. Maybe in the also better than denim catagory is the long black shorts with chains the goth kids are wearing? I don’t even know if they’re goth anymore. I guess it’s emo now or some other such crap, one sec, “You kids get off my lawn!”, ok where was I? Oh yes, jello, I hear they’re serving jello tonight!

    I guess my cranky old man came out for a second, but seriously man you can’t tell me that the long plaid or the long black shorts are better than denim. Well, I guess you can tell me but I will never believe you. Besides you have to have something to break up the endless stream of linen and khaki.

  2. icecycle66on 20 Apr 2009 at 8:34 am

    Damn teenagers.

  3. Xinaon 20 Apr 2009 at 8:36 am

    Jason, linen? Are you a hillbilly AND a Columbian drug lord? Don’t forget to throw in a pair of your old Hammer pants to really break up the monotony of your denim, linen and khaki shorts.

  4. jasonon 20 Apr 2009 at 8:58 am

    Xina, I’m in SW Florida and I would like to blend in, so yes I am a Cloumbian drug lord. LMAO. I don’t have nay idea what the shorts are made from. I just know that some of my shorts are some shade of brown with lots of pokets and others are light colored and thinner and a little more formal than the baggie pocketed shorts. So they may not be linen but I think linen shorts sounds cool, in a Columbian drug lord sort of way.

  5. jasonon 20 Apr 2009 at 9:00 am

    btw Xina, I got rid of my ‘Hammer pants’ when I got rid of my fade.

  6. CreatureofHabiton 20 Apr 2009 at 9:05 am

    I’m opposed to shorts all the way around on grown-ups. They are very unflattering to most adult figures. I realize men don’t really have the sundress or skirt option for summer months, but denim shorts are surely the worst option.

    If it’s absolutely necessary, I support bermuda shorts or cargo shorts. But anything else is bizarre to my eyes, borderline intolerable.

  7. Xinaon 20 Apr 2009 at 9:31 am

    Jason, maybe it’s because I’m a woman but I live in SW Florida (small world) and I don’t think I’ve ever worn anything made from linen. Formal or otherwise.

    btw, formal linen shorts? Really?

  8. rachelon 20 Apr 2009 at 9:31 am

    just like overalls, shorts are only appropriate on children.

  9. Tommyon 20 Apr 2009 at 10:48 am

    So It’s 80 degrees in california today in my lab so…i’m wearing shorts made by O’Neil…acceptable…but denim jeans I will not tolerate unless you are in the jungle and your jean legs were eaten off by a crocodile you HAD to wrestle to save your life…as in, not like a douchebag trying to get his hand eaten off for laughs.

  10. hodanon 20 Apr 2009 at 11:23 am

    Jean shorts? they still make those?!

  11. Saraon 20 Apr 2009 at 11:48 am

    I’m going to have to agree with Creature. And the older the short wearer gets the higher and darker the socks get. My husband is only 29 and I caught him wearing Blue Sports shorts and BLACK socks up to his shins.

    I have pictures in case future black mail is needed

  12. SanFranon 20 Apr 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Listman: fuck yeah – demin shorts have always sucked. Never liked ’em, but then again, I’ve never been a slave to fashion, either.

    The rest of you: Really? no shorts on adults? are you for fucking real? I ask this: when you’re old, and it’s like 90 degrees out, will you volunteer to wear long pants? I doubt it. I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want to, it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. Comfort is king.

    When I’m 80.. IF I make it that far, I would like to invite you over to admire my varicose veins, pulsing irregularly in the hot august sunlight.

  13. jasonon 20 Apr 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Ok Xena, Ok. Perhaps formal is not the correct term. I guess I’m talking about those times you go out to dinner with family and you don’t want to wear khakis and sandals but it’s really too hot to wear slacks. Shorts that look nice with a golf shirt.

    It is a small world. I’m glad to hear you’re here also, now these folks can understand this summer when listy doesn’t mention that it’s 5 degrees hotter than the devils scrotum outside and even the water is 90 degrees.

  14. oh dearon 20 Apr 2009 at 4:14 pm

    fuckin americans. listen to you all

  15. hodanon 20 Apr 2009 at 5:50 pm

    awww,oh dear, don’t be jealous.

  16. SanFranon 20 Apr 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Americans can talk like this because nobody is burdened with such things as… well, work.

    It’s still in the mid-90’s here in San Francisco – very unusual, and the thought of denim anything gives me a case of swamp ass.

  17. guilty noodleson 20 Apr 2009 at 6:36 pm

    wow sanfran, you sweat a lot.

    i rarely wear shorts because i’m short and my legs are even shorter. shorts only accentuate my shortness, so i try and avoid them. hell, i won’t even put my kids in jean shorts. if they’re going to wear shorts, it’s gonna be the lightest fabric possible. with a pull-up and heavy fabric, THAT’S SERIOUS swamp ass.

  18. CreatureofHabiton 20 Apr 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Well, I dunno. It’s pretty hot in the middle east and I don’t see those guys running around in shorts. Just sayin.

    You know what is a thousand times worse than shorts? Man capris. That’s right. I said it.

  19. guilty noodleson 20 Apr 2009 at 7:33 pm

    i’ve seen man capris in the stores, but never have been graced by a man sporting them… yet.

  20. SanFranon 20 Apr 2009 at 7:43 pm

    I had a friend who showed up to a BBQ one day, back in ohhhhh, 1999 or 2000, with Man Capris… which I promptly dubbed “crapis”…

    lest just say, I never saw him wear them again.

  21. CreatureofHabiton 21 Apr 2009 at 7:13 am


    I am graced with seeing them all summer long. By August my retinas are burning. I personally think it’s because we have a disproportionately high number of Euros in Boston and they love the man crapis with sandals.

    Thankfully, jean shorts seem to be a thing of the past out here. Whew.

  22. SanFranon 21 Apr 2009 at 10:34 am

    CreatureofHabit: Really? Crapis (the man varietal) are still worn, even by Euros? I lived in Boston (area) for years and never noticed them… On women, yeah, all the time – they don’t bother me at all…

  23. susanon 21 Apr 2009 at 2:09 pm

    oh wow, yea manpris are getting popular in the midwest on men. ewww. i have only seen it twice and cringed both times. i mean really????
    where i live it gets in the upper 90’s and i dont have ac, so i wear shorts that just come above my knees (old navy). are those exceptable??? oh, i m 42. lol

  24. TGrayon 26 Apr 2009 at 1:25 am

    I am totally with you on this subject! I was shopping online a few weeks ago and to my surprise, AE.com was selling jean shorts!!! REALLY??? SERIOUSLY?? Trends don’t re-occur that fast, it’s only been like 10 years since those were in “style”!!

  25. […] when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the […]

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  27. Zachon 12 Mar 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I think the only thing worse than denim shorts are cut-off denim shorts. You had the real thing, and said “well, this just isn’t going to work.”

    I have a simple solution if you think the weather is too hot for grown-up pants: stay inside, goofball.

  28. Kevinon 12 Mar 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Let me tell you about the Perfect Storm of white trash-ery. The setting: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. (If you know the place, you also know the white trash credentials are off the chart)

    A guy rocking a pseudo-mullet is wearing a pair of denim shorts, a white T-shirt with faded Vuarnet France print (his closet must be a wormhole to 1992. I bet there is one of those Oakley jackets in there too, you know the ones that change color depending on how the light hits them). Anyhow, this guy is also wearing white socks well above his ankles, and is wading out into the surf about half up to his knees (yes, with the socks and shoes still on), bending over and digging into the sand. This goes on for like 20 minutes, him repeatedly bending over and digging into the sand as the waves rush in and out.

    I was unable to consume enough Corona to actually ask this guy what he was doing, but he has since become the Jean Shorts Archetype to my mind’s eye. I just can’t see a guy wearing denim shorts without wondering how much they spent on the WWE premiere package with Dish Network, and if they too like to wander aimlessly through tidal zones digging into the sand.

  29. You Just Made My List!on 12 Mar 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Kevin – “his closet must be a wormhole to 1992” You are not allowed to be funnier than me on this website. Please don’t let it happen again.

  30. […] you ten times, I’m wearing my jean jacket embossed with the Coca-Cola logo and my favorite jean shorts and I really don’t give a hoot what you and the kids wear! I’m me. I’m STEVE! […]

  31. Alexon 13 Oct 2010 at 5:51 pm

    I sport demin shorts and im not stopping anytime soon, hell i’ll still wear them when I hit 30 and will still wear them when I hit 90.