May 12 2009

Pooping!

Published by at 3:08 am under Why?!?

I hate pooping!

If you know me personally, there is a good chance you know that I hate to poop. You may also know that I can go several days without pooping. Those poop-free days feel like a gift from God. I would imagine it feels not unlike getting a call from the Governor that spares you from the electric chair.

I am not trying to be funny or outrageous with these claims, I honestly hate everything about pooping. People often try to convince me that “pooping feels soooo good” but I will never understand how forcing a tube of warm, smelly feces out of my butthole is supposed to feel good. I feel sad and humiliated while taking a dump. You know the way most dogs look embarrassed when pooping in public? I’m sure I look exactly the same every time I poop.

Pooping at home is bad enough but the panic I feel when I realize I am going to have to shit in a public bathroom is unrivaled. Taking a shit in an airport might be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. NO, pooping on the plane is even worse.

I need to go lie down.

p.s. I love farting! I just wanted to clear that up.

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36 comments so far

36 comments to “Pooping!”

  1. Kieron Mooreon 12 May 2009 at 4:18 am

    this won i need to take a stand on….. Pooping is awesome… give me a chance to read that book on random facts i have next to my toilet.

    although i can only poop in 2 toilets… work or home, otherwise i hold off until them there.. i went on a 2 week holiday to the US and held off 6 days before giving up and using someone elses

  2. jasonon 12 May 2009 at 5:21 am

    Wow! Listy you’re amaziing! Kieron Moore you’re superhuman. I poop daily and usually twice a day. When I first get up and again after I get to work. If I even attempted to go more than a day I’m sure my head would just pop right off and give way to a shit storm. I don’t feel bad or embarrassed, in fact the only time I really don’t like to poop is when I just got outta the shower. I don’t like to immediately dirty up my freshly cleaned anus.

    You’re right listy, dogs sometimes get that embarrassed look but cats take it to a whole other level. A dog might get shamefaced but cats will often refuse to do the business all together or if they really have to drop a deuce they will often look at you angrily, as if to say, “what are you looking at? Yeah, I’m making the dooty, So?”

  3. Kieron Mooreon 12 May 2009 at 6:02 am

    Dont get me wrong… i poo every day at 2pm if im in the office or at home… its only of there isnt a toilet about that have to wait 😛

  4. Saraon 12 May 2009 at 6:16 am

    this post is making me want to poo.

    Speaking of poo, this is national etiqutte week and I would like to make mention to the girls in offices that are all bath and body works obsessed. After you poo, dont spray all this smelly crap all over the bathroom. Look I know you took a shit, making it smell like shit and cinnimon pumpkin doesnt help, it just makes me gag.

  5. CreatureofHabiton 12 May 2009 at 6:38 am

    I’m with you listy! Never ever in a million years would I poop in public. I mean, I would have to be on the verge of implosion/explosion to do that. N E V E R. It’s so far beyond horrifying to me. Like, swimming with live sharks sans cage -type horrifying. I can not comprehend why anyone, anywhere would take a shit in public unless it was an emergency. Honestly. It’s disgusting!

    God I’m uptight.

    For the record, it brings my husband endless amusement, this hang up of mine. Sigh.

  6. icecycle66on 12 May 2009 at 8:32 am

    Yeah, well try digging your own hole to poop in, then wiping with a couple of rocks. You can poop anytime and just about anywhere after something like that.

  7. Peteon 12 May 2009 at 8:38 am

    You are dead on accurate about this. I HATE having to use public restrooms. I’ve only ever dropped a deuce at work maybe three times–and I’ve worked here 15 years. I don’t get people who seemingly enjoy doing it. They’ll announce that they’re going to do it, or they’ve just done it. YOu know, stuff like “I’m going to take the Browns to the Super Bowl,” or “I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool now.”

  8. Neishon 12 May 2009 at 8:58 am

    Icecycle: wow, that’d be just traumatizing to me :S

    Living on campus in a dorm for more than half the year has gotten me use to sharing the bathroom with other people. Generally you can poo in peace without another person coming in but sometimes there’s like a friggen rush of people and all I can do is hide in my stall and hope they leave soon.

    I found out though that on weekends, all the other buildgings are open and you can sneak off to one and have a peaceful dump. Sure it’s not like home but at least there’s a bit of privacy.

  9. Arthason 12 May 2009 at 9:10 am

    Well, I can tell you what people (and by people I mean me) enjoy about taking a shit. You feel empty, light and relaxed, because after that you don’t have to clinch your asshole like your life depended on it. Don’t forget about the satisfacion you get for creating something. I’m in awe everytime I can’t flush my dump at once because it’s too big and heavy. The smell is also not really a contra, since you apply the same rules that go for farts: the smellier it is the prouder you can be.

  10. SanFranon 12 May 2009 at 9:37 am

    I have no problem poopin’, aka: “backing one out”, “dropping anchor”. So much so, in fact, that years ago, my buddy Todd and I developed a game in a house we shared – there were two bathrooms, side-by-side, on the first level.. We would go to a remote part of the house (it was a 3-story mansion and ex-funeral home, hence the bathroom arrangement), and declare “GROGAN RACE!”, and bolt for the bathrooms – down the flights of stairs, through the foyer, down the hall… The preferable bathroom was known as “the sportster edition”, because of the pink toilet that was tilted forward a bit – just enough so the lid wouldn’t stay up.

    Anyhow, whoever got shat, wiped, and flushed and got out into the hallway first not only won, but had the right to heckle through the door of the looser. However, there were bonus points awarded for having to plunge. We kept a tally on the refrigerator.

    I can poop just about anywhere necessary, and you can set your watch to it. The urge… or “code brown” as it’s known around the house these days… comes precisely 20 minutes after the first sip of coffee. This morning’s excrement was noteworthy because of the bits of cashew nuts in it from yesterday afternoon.

  11. hodanon 12 May 2009 at 10:10 am

    um, pooping is natural dude. you can’t avoid it!

  12. joejoeon 12 May 2009 at 10:18 am

    i shit in a bag once

  13. SanFranon 12 May 2009 at 10:30 am

    joejoe: me too! I’ve shit off the side of a boat, too – hence the term “dropping anchor”…

  14. rxon 12 May 2009 at 12:44 pm

    not only is pooping fantastic, but it’s really IMPORTANT. it’s scary to go days without pooping and if it goes too long, either your diet is really horrendous or you have some awful intestinal disease (or both. eat your veggies, listy. life is great.

    everyone poops: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsLqKAvKiQM

  15. guilty noodleson 12 May 2009 at 12:52 pm

    SanFran & Joejoe, you guys really know how to amuse yourselves. SanFran’s shitting game takes it to a whole new level.

    Listy, just like you, I would go for days without pooping. I could only poop at home and when I moved in with my husband before we got married, I was constipated for a good 3 months. When I finally did bring myself to go, I’d head to the toilet at the other end of the house for fear of turning him off. After 10 years of marriage, I shit with my kids cannon balling into the jacuzzi, my husband carrying long conversations with me and blogging all at the same time. If I don’t shit EVERY morning after I wake up, I’m one cranky bitch.

    My dog is never embarrassed to poop. He has a look of relief and then prances from squatting position.

  16. guilty noodleson 12 May 2009 at 12:53 pm

    However, I can never poo in public restrooms. I rarely urinate in public restrooms. I’d rather hold it in and get an UTI than use a public restroom. That’s one issue I’ve never overcome.

  17. Tommyon 12 May 2009 at 1:20 pm

    I will poo anywhere I can obstruct myself from the view of others.

  18. Tommyon 12 May 2009 at 1:20 pm

    And to you non poopers…what the fuck are you eating?

  19. rachelon 12 May 2009 at 1:57 pm

    twice a day. without fail. good times.

  20. CreatureofHabiton 12 May 2009 at 2:15 pm

    Actually icecycle, I’m TOTALLY okay with popping in the woods. I’m all about solitude. It’s public restrooms that horrify me to no end. I’m barely on board with urinating in them! And for what it’s worth, I have pooped more times in the woods with only rocks and leaves than I have in public restrooms….just sayin.

  21. rxon 12 May 2009 at 5:19 pm

    @Tommy, my guess is A LOT of cheese.

  22. Tommyon 12 May 2009 at 7:14 pm

    sort of on topic thing i saw today: http://www.femalefreedom.ca/

    crazy canadians

  23. hodanon 12 May 2009 at 8:02 pm

    this by far the smelliest post ever!

  24. Yours Trulyon 12 May 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I was taking a shit (or making a donation to Crapistan if you prefer) while I read this post. And I can honestly say that I enjoyed every moment of it.

    SanFran: That is the best game ever invented. It should be an Olympic sport.

  25. jasonon 13 May 2009 at 8:07 am

    Awesome Listy! Guido beach 7 comments. Poop 23! amazing.

  26. SanFranon 13 May 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Listy, you know what else is shitty?

    Your damn server! I woke up this morning, fixed a fucking HUGE ass bowl of cereal (Kashi = good shittin’), and a mug of Peet’s Major Dickason’s Blend, sat down at the table with my laptop, prepared to check, in sequence, all of my daily blog sites…

    YJMML.com is first on the list, by the way. Congrats.

    Anyhow, you fucking RUINED MY MORNING by having a server offline (or something). I was forced to catch up with real news instead, before, like clockwork, heading into the defecation chamber for my morning shit.

    More like Mourning Shit!

  27. Timon 13 May 2009 at 1:37 pm

    in my own home, me and my brothers will poop with the B-room door open. Its quite awkward but the reaction from everyone else is funny as hell. Nothen but shits and giggles 😀

  28. icecycle66on 13 May 2009 at 1:47 pm

    “Mourning Shit”, nice

  29. […] Pooping is already a horrible experience as far as I’m concerned, so why turn an ugly situation into more of a nightmare? I don’t want to hear about your budget or the environment or blah blah fucking blah. Grow up, buy some real toilet paper and watch your life change, you dirty ass (literally) hippie. […]

  30. Ruffon 10 Feb 2012 at 6:14 am

    Im pooping right nowwwww

  31. You Just Made My List!on 10 Feb 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Ruff – I’m sorry for your loss.

  32. Paulon 02 Mar 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I’m the same way. I usually go everyday, especially now that I’ve incorporated more fiber into my diet but damn. I HATE it. It makes me feel so pathetic, so primitive. Ultimate proof that I am no more than a weak little insignificant biological machine among billions on a pointless blue dot in a vast void of nothing.

    So, I hate it for what it stands, I hate that it smells, I hate everything about it and the last thing I want is others to know I have to do it. Even though it’s a biological certainty.

    If a Genie were to suddenly appear and only offer me 1 wish, I would ask that I never have to expel urine or fecal matter ever again; but still be healthy. That would be such a relief it’s truly beyond words.

  33. Paulon 02 Mar 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I’m the same way. I usually go everyday, especially now that I’ve incorporated more fiber into my diet but damn. I HATE it. It makes me feel so pathetic, so primitive. Ultimate proof that I am no more than a weak little insignificant biological machine among billions on a pointless blue dot in a vast void of nothing.

    So, I hate it for what it stands, I hate that it smells, I hate everything about it and the last thing I want is others to know I have to do it. Even though it’s a biological certainty.

    If a Genie were to suddenly appear and only offer me 1 wish, I would ask that I never have to expel urine or fecal matter ever again; but still be healthy. That would be such a relief it’s truly beyond words.

  34. Joshon 16 Aug 2012 at 2:22 am

    We are some weird ass people even thinking about this shit. No pun intended.

  35. Jon 29 Dec 2012 at 2:11 am

    Hey girls/guys that don’t like to poop (and ones that do) I got a GREAT suggestion for you, go get a new style “Bidet”. You remove your toilet seat, and install a new more advanced toilet seat that has water jet that extend and retract to clean you with nice stream of water, there usually 95-99% good at cleaning you (and feel more refreshed), some of nice ones have built in fan to dry you, but I would avoid that as very small couple squares of Toilet paper will dry and make sure 100% clean. Some of nice ones also have activated charcoal filter that destroys (doesn’t mask) any smells. Most have either remote control or buttons on the side to select water temp., some have heated seats, and most have couple buttons to choose to clean #1 (pee, wand extends further to clean femine areas) #2, wand extends just far enough to spray and clean after poo. The wands that extend to clean you when you press button, ususaly spray at a angle and stay out of area of waste hitting it, and most are self cleaning on way back into its storage as well. Heres one with heated seat, remote control, activated charchole filter (eliminates smell), is adjustable sprayer, heated initial stream so not caught by suprise. Just really nice with great reviews, Might be hard to keep people out of bath room now. Hell I almost bought one for my work, but to many F* idiots so now they still use stone age toilet paper. http://www.amazon.com/Bio-Bidet-BB-1000W-Supreme-Elongated/dp/B007HIKPSK/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top And think about it, if I just took bunch of mud and smeared it on glass door, would you want to clean that off with some dry toilet paper, or spray clean with water thats adjustable then lightly pat dry (most have built in fan, but takes time and only takes couple squares tp to pat dry). Plus if you have a elderly person in house not a flexible as used to be its a god send, and probably get wrote in persons Will if you bought them that just improves there daily life that much!!! Anyone that has someone they need to care for and take care of (bathroom wise as well), its also a god send, it allows person going to bathroom respect of privacy to be cleand and dried by themself with push of a button on remote control (thats easy to read). Not sure I could recommend them enough, some guys are stubborn to try it but f* them let them suffer (i’m a guy stubborn guy, but makes perfect sense, and clean like you just got out of shower, no excuses except not cheap but almost any good investment is not cheap to start out (really nice one $500, cheap ones and non electric 50+$) If you have any medical condition especially hemroid. this is also a god send, choose a light wash setting and gently water clean and fan dry. P.S. I don’t work for any bidet company (or anyone at moment thanks to shitty economy lol no pun intended!), seriously though get one, rob a bank if got to lol (don’t just kidding!) there that good though (if get good one similar to one in link i posted above). Happy holiday, ps dont let friends or relatives try it you dont like or want around, because you’ll have a harder time getting rid of them lol.

  36. Jon 29 Dec 2012 at 2:24 am

    Also, with bidet even if it cost 500$ for a really nice one (luxury model), not only is it WORTH it, a single roll of toilet paper will last Along time if used accordingly after using bidet, not to mention really clean and refreshed. Toilet paper is just stone age to clean yourself with period, and if you think smearing around on paper waste is “clean” then I don’t want your ass around me! lol seriously, clean with water then pat dry.