May 27 2009

Bathroom Attendants!

Published by at 3:03 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

bathroom attendants

Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?

Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.

I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!

However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!

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22 comments so far

22 comments to “Bathroom Attendants!”

  1. Xinaon 27 May 2009 at 3:13 am

    Get out of my head! I spent a good half an hour earlier today talking about a bathroom attendant that held my hair while I threw up many years ago. She then cleaned me up, made me smell nice and re-applied my lipstick. At the time I was so drunk I thought it was wonderful. On closer, sober inspection I realized that what this women did was actually sort of creepy in a very helpful, and yet over the line kind of way. I mean this strange women put lipstick on me! I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to be touched by someone I know and here’s a women I don’t know that works in a bathroom touching my face. I’m freaking myself out all over again and this incident happened 10 f-ing years ago!!

    I wonder is she’s still thinking about me…

  2. A Whale's V@ginaon 27 May 2009 at 4:13 am

    The above story is too weird for this time of day. Moving on, bathroom attendants severely piss me off. I once attempted to steal a piece of Wrigley’s Doublemint to spite one but was chased out onto the dancefloor and forced to settle my 10p debt. Presumably they’re mainly installed to discourage “other” toilet activities. A varied and esoteric topic in itself.

  3. jasonon 27 May 2009 at 5:22 am

    For me the bathroom attendant is almost always a very uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. I say almost always because once when I was having a family dinner my father and I went to the restroom and the attendant there was a bright funny guy that told jokes and seemed to be right on top of every possible need and yet somehow wasn’t creepy in any way. The guy was so entertaining that we both actually went back after dinner and washed our hands just to hear the guy’s jokes. I can’t remember the restaurant but I do remember the guy’s name was David.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 27 May 2009 at 7:59 am

    Xina – That is creepy. CREEPY!

    Jason – Yeah, some of these guys are cool in an old school kind of way but that almost makes it worse for me because I feel bad that they have made a career out of watching, listening and smelling to people pee and poo.

  5. RBoneon 27 May 2009 at 8:58 am

    I have gotten quite good at ignoring them. it’s a skill really. i also dont wash my hands if one of these guys is lurking. i mean really, as long as i dont pee on my hands, which there is no excuse for anyway, my dick is going to be cleaner than the dollar bill i hand him after i wash up anyway. and sometimes you get REALLY lucky and there will be some janitor or some prick who thinks it’s cool to get to know the “the help” in there talking to them the whole time.

  6. hodanon 27 May 2009 at 9:03 am

    i’ve never seen a modern day bathroom attendants…ever! maybe I’m not fancy enough.in that picture, it looks like a concession stand stuck in the bathroom.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 27 May 2009 at 9:10 am

    RBone – I actually wrap the dollar bill around my dick and make them peel it off.

  8. guilty noodleson 27 May 2009 at 9:20 am

    LMAO on your last comment, Listy.

    My husband encountered a restroom attendant who posted old 70s porn on the walls, in addition to the cologne & gum business. He found the entire experience odd and wondered who would whack off in front of the attendant and then handed a kleenex. I can’t remember where this was, I’ll ask him when he visits me in the hospital tomorrow. That’s right. I’m in the hospital right now.

    Please, please entertain me with your witty comments while I’m pumped full of drugs and bored out of my mind.

  9. icecycle66on 27 May 2009 at 9:53 am

    It looks like there is a gun safe in the mirror reflection. Not only is this guy a condescending fool, but he will blast your ass nine ways from Wednesday with a variable array of calibers and gauges. Don’t stiff this dude on his Double-Bubble (look closely at the gum rack, next to what appears to be the shampoo).

  10. icecycle66on 27 May 2009 at 10:00 am

    (yeah I know it’s the shit closet)
    He also seems to be ptiching Axe, which only makes this particular attendant that much more of a cock-flake.

  11. SanFranon 27 May 2009 at 10:05 am

    Peeing on ice is awesome… I’m always disappointed when my bladder is empty. Good thing there is usually a near-constant source of alcohol in places with iced urinals, right?

    But, oooof, yeah Listy: Baffroom attendants get on my nerve in a big way. I make eye contact with them (it’s hard not to, truly), walk to the sink, have a nice wash, and then they are RIGHT FUCKING THERE with that damn towel. I again make eye contact, and then shake my hands dry and wipe them on my pants.

    I know that everybody needs a job and all that, but c’mon – bathroom attendant… really?

  12. Great Oden's Ravenon 27 May 2009 at 11:53 am

    and how does one get into this profession I wonder? Did they simply wake up one day and say hmmm…. this sounds like a wonderful opportunity to meet people, yeah, lets do it!! What movie does this remind me of…? I think its a Ben Stiller movie where he is trying to impress a girl saying his dad is in the restaurant business when in fact during thier meeting he gets a call to go back and clean the shitter….

  13. Paul in Saint Paulon 27 May 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Xina, you drunkenly puke in some fancy joints. Aren’t bathroom attendants only in expensive places? I don’t know that I’ve seen one in years. Also, Xina, imagine all the other restroom patrons who stumbled in to witness the bathroom attendant holding your head up (by the hair?) while she applied lipstick to your face! They’re the ones who took home a great story.

  14. Tommyon 27 May 2009 at 1:31 pm

    You’re thinking of Duece Biggalow, Oden. I dunno. You just have to not wash your hands. But when I’m really drunk I”ll tip em.

  15. SanFranon 27 May 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I’ve mostly found Shitter Attendants in places that are TRYING to be fancy/expensive. Most fancy places tend to leave you be, as do most cheap places…

    Although, on second thought, I encountered one at a Volkswagen show in CT a few years back, at the fairgrounds. Strange.

  16. Xinaon 27 May 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Paul – It happened in a fancy-ish club. It was the VIP bathroom so it wasn’t like there were a ton of people in the there with me. At least I don’t think there were. Enough time has passed that I’m not embarrassed by the story anymore. And really, if I had a dime for every nice place I threw up in I’d make about $17.30 a week. Don’t even ask.

    The attendant also kept calling me kitten. I just remembered that.

  17. Paul in St. Paulon 27 May 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Xina, Kitten? That really completes the picture. And I don’t care how drunk you were, that alone should’ve earned the woman a mighty fat tip.

  18. jasonon 28 May 2009 at 6:54 am

    Xina darling! I love it. May I also refer to you as ‘kitten’?

  19. Xinaon 28 May 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Yes Jason, you may.

  20. jamieon 11 May 2012 at 11:40 pm

    I kinda took offense to this story. Im a female restroom attendant at an upscale bar. As a restroom attendant we buy our own products to offer to u all when ur pissy drunk. As a woman u may need a tampon cuz u came on unexpectedly or got cut by a broken glass and need bandaids and alcohol or ur hair may b frizzing so u need hairspray or u puked and need a mint. Imagine holding hands with a female that has ashy hands cuz she didnt put lotion on or she has wet hands cuz she didnt take a paper towel oh and she didnt use soap even though she got blood and pee on her hand. People do crazy stuff when they get drunk and sometimes cant even wipe their own ass. Ice in the urinal is so that the hot smell of pee doesnt seep into ur clothes and u wont smell like pee when u approach that female uve been lookin at all night. We r here to benefit u not us. We’re just here cuz in this economy its probably the only job we could get and have children to feed. I have a college degree and have been looking for a job for years with little to no luck because what i spent two years in college for is no longer a popularity. When u get drugged by a crazy chick and the bathroom attendant is the only one to help u so she doesnt rob u blind maybe ull feel different then.

  21. jamieon 11 May 2012 at 11:48 pm

    This job by no means is any fun for us. It is however an enjoyment for me meeting different people but i dont like smellin pee,poop,blood,beer,puke, and bad breath in a closed in area with no clean air circulating and having to help people keep from drownin in toilet water cuz their so drunk they cant keep their head outta the toilet while theyre pukin their brains out. Imagin the embarrassment of walkin outta the bathroom with toilet water and puke all in ur hair and on ur clothes. Thats y we r here to keep that from happening. So remwmber when u pick up a mint to at least say thank u cuz u dont kno the stress that comes with this job. People r so unappreciative. Be glad u got ur legs and hands and were even able to go out cuz some people arent that lucky.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 12 May 2012 at 12:43 am

    Jamie – Jesus Christ, where the fuck do you work? I’ve never been to a bar where women are jamming tampons into their broken bottle wounds. Sounds like a classy establishment.

    Can I give you some honest advice? I appreciate that you are working a shitty job (no pun intended) to support yourself and your family. Work ethic and responsibility are two very important traits that many people seem to have forgotten these days. But here’s the thing Jamie, if you want to better yourself and move out of the bathroom and into a better job, you are going to need to stop this nonsense of writing like a 12-year-old girl on a cell phone. Don’t use stupid abbreviations like “u” or “r,” use ACTUAL words like “you” and “are.” You will never get anywhere in life if you CHOOSE to be be unintelligent like that, and yes it is your choice. I’m honestly not trying to be mean, I am giving you incredibly valuable advice. Be smart and learn to write like an adult. Writing like an idiot is just lazy and you sell yourself short when you do it. Be a grown-up and write intelligently if you ever want to be taken seriously. Ever hear the phrase “knowledge is power?” Well, it’s true.