Jun 11 2009

The new Miracle Whip commercial!

Published by at 3:25 am under Sucky TV

new miracle whip commercial

“We will not be quiet!
We will not try to blend in!
We will not disappear in the background or play second fiddle!
We’re not like the others, we won’t ever try to be!”

You might think this battle cry was overheard at a recent gay marriage rally but NO, you stupid idiot, that’s your mayonnaise talking, bitch!

Fuck you world, I love Miracle Whip and if you don’t like it you can eat my creamy, white shit. Don’t try and tell ME and MY generation what condiments we should eat. Take your old man sandwich spread and shove it up your old man ass because guess what motherfucker, I’m going to eat Miracle Whip with a spoon while getting a mohawk. Look dude, I don’t care if I spill a little M-Whip on my Ron Paul poster, because that’s the way it goes man when you are fucking vibing on a jar of the Whip! Now if you will excuse me, I have to comb my ironic mustache and down a little Whip before going to my bike messenger job. Jealous?

You can have my Miracle Whip when you pry it from my COLD, DEAD, FAT HAND!

The Miracle Whip commercial that tells you what’s up, bitch! It’s on Facebook because that’s how my generation rolls!!!

Don’t be boring! You wouldn’t understand, old Man.

    41 comments so far

    41 comments to “The new Miracle Whip commercial!”

    1. jasonon 11 Jun 2009 at 5:11 am

      I have been deprived for years now. My lady doesn’t like M-Whip, so, I don’t get M-Whip. I know, some of you are temped to make the P-whip reference and I don’t blame you. I am and I’m consigned to the fact that my likes and dislikes are secondary to hers now. Sometimes though, I fantasize about what it would be like to make a nice ham and tomato sandwich with M-Whip instead of Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise. I know I shouldn’t and sometimes I feel dirty but I’m sure the M-Whip would be so freakin delicious that I could never go back again!

    2. joeon 11 Jun 2009 at 6:50 am

      i like miracle whip

    3. Saraon 11 Jun 2009 at 6:56 am

      Mayo makes me nausious I’ve been M-whippin’ sense I was a tot.

      I expect to see designer Whip jars now by Ed Hardy, mmm tangy and collectable

    4. SanFranon 11 Jun 2009 at 8:55 am

      Listy, your ire is palpable today, even from behind my firewire.

      Strong work.

      M-Whip: not a fan, but that’s OK – I would sooner dive, open maw, into a vat of M-Whip than relish or, Satan’s Own condiment, Mustard. Fuck that shit.

    5. A Whale's V@ginaon 11 Jun 2009 at 9:11 am

      Horseradish is the win.

    6. You Just Made My List!on 11 Jun 2009 at 9:44 am

      Jason – Didn’t you learn anything from these commercials? DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE AND EAT SOME FUCKING WHIP!

      Joe – Thank you for not talking about raping me for once.

      Sara – “Ed Hardy” – Funny!

      SanFran – Don’t talk shit about mustard!

      Whale’s Vagina – Barf.

    7. Tommyon 11 Jun 2009 at 10:08 am

      I like your prose dear sir. How white can a company be…edgy mayonnaise substitute commercials?

    8. A Whale's V@ginaon 11 Jun 2009 at 10:10 am

      What do you put on your delicious home cooked roast beef then? Miracle Whip? What the hell is Miracle Whip anyway? Is it to mayo what Hershey’s is to chocolate? (i.e. only eaten by Americans and not worthy of international export).

      You can keep Bud as well. Don’t start me on that one.

    9. SanFranon 11 Jun 2009 at 11:21 am

      Horseraddish: I wouldn’t even eat it with your mouth, V@gina….

    10. You Just Made My List!on 11 Jun 2009 at 12:09 pm

      Sadly, I never make home cooked roast beef.

    11. joeon 11 Jun 2009 at 12:10 pm

      it isnt rape if you shout surprise. and i always do.

    12. hodanon 11 Jun 2009 at 2:56 pm

      who the fuck uses mayonnaise anymore?!
      ranch is where it’s at baby!

    13. Tommy Rocheon 11 Jun 2009 at 8:33 pm

      sadly i learned how great food can be on a virgin atlantic flight. my mom was a terrible cook. now i eat anything and everything but mayo? that’s just boring

    14. Tommy Rocheon 12 Jun 2009 at 1:39 am

      if jiffy had an arbrtrairy point. woul you call it ar…f

    15. A Whale's V@ginaon 12 Jun 2009 at 2:56 am

      Roast lamb: mint sauce
      Roat pork: apple sauce
      Roast turkey/chicken: cranberry sauce
      Roast pheasant: bread sauce
      Roast beef: horseradish.

      I don’t make the condiment rules. I can only obey them.

    16. Great Oden's Ravenon 12 Jun 2009 at 11:26 am

      WTF is bread sauce?!
      I’m sorry but M-Whip is disgusting. A teeninsey bit of Mayo on a sandwich just for moisture is okay.
      Mustard can suck my balls [Figuratively speaking]
      Relish is awesome.
      Ranch is the shit but, Ketchup is ruler of the condiments. Goes on ANYthing. End of story.
      It all just adds fat to the saddlebags anyways…
      Oh and Roast beef with melty cheddar on a dry bun rocks my world.

    17. You Just Made My List!on 12 Jun 2009 at 12:18 pm

      KETCHUP DOES NOT BELONG ON HOT DOGS!
      http://www.youjustmademylist.com/?p=1449

    18. Newmanon 13 Jun 2009 at 7:37 pm

      now I HATE Miracle Whip and have to burn my Miracle Whip painting (not made with Miracle Whip, but of an image of the old style packaging)
      fuck you Madison Avenue for co=opting my one small condimental piece of nostalgia. assholes

    19. Jayon 30 Jun 2009 at 2:37 pm

      I’ve been waiting for YEARS to get permission to use Miracle Whip on my panini and crostini.

    20. [...] the recent Miracle Whip campaign is much more offensive to the actual demographic Kraft is attempting to market mayo to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel their [...]

    21. Leeon 11 Aug 2009 at 4:43 am

      That is the most ridiculous commercial! And Miracle Whip tastes disgusting!

    22. The Shack! | You just made my list!on 11 Aug 2009 at 7:32 am

      [...] like Miracle Whip, Radio Shack is about to dial up their attitude and punch you in the face with their dick, and if [...]

    23. MacRazyon 25 Aug 2009 at 4:08 pm

      This is the bullshit that Kraft is making us go through? The lovable processed food giant ran by the amiable Phillip Morris Inc., the same rag-tag gang of jolly mother fuckers that pump you full of Marlboro Cigarettes? I guess so. We few enlightened individuals can see through the shitstorm we call the commercial break, but i believe this is a statement of where society is sitting right now as a whole.

      The Kraft marketing team sees the North American Demographic for what it is (Exactly what they want it to be), a bunch of Hipsters caught in a purgatory of faux-individuality, a bunch of over-weight kids spurned into social-anxiety by T.V., Playstation, and Facebook. YOU LIKE WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO LIKE!! …pardon my rambling… But they understand that today, you get pummeled by up 5000 ads a day, you go through your daily grind on auto-pilot. They want “The Unique Dip-Smacking Flavour” programed into your auto-pilot function, so when you go to the grocery store, you dump a jar of whipped animal lard into your cart without question or consideration.

      I just…. don’t… know…. We’re all doomed if we keep this shit up… Perhaps when my ranting skills are more finely honed, I can do something about it… Till then, try and stifle your remaining brain cells from leaking out of your ears… Or end it all right now, thats your best bet at the moment.

    24. You Just Made My List!on 25 Aug 2009 at 4:55 pm

      MacRazy – Very nice rant!

    25. jjjon 29 Aug 2009 at 9:15 am

      There’s no such thing as bad viral marketing.

    26. You Just Made My List!on 30 Aug 2009 at 11:56 pm

      jjj – I’m not really sure how this commercial is viral though. Plus, I’m going to disagree with you, not all viral marketing is positive for the brand.

    27. blorgon 01 Sep 2009 at 10:56 pm

      this commercial is just silly, its for fucking mayonaise, will this really increase their sale prices? hopefully not when viewers like me see it and buy the opposite brand. which is just as good with my bologna

    28. Charleson 08 Sep 2009 at 4:22 pm

      The heck with MW, I’m just diggin’ the chick.

    29. [...] like the world’s most ridiculous appropriation of “youth culture” for advertising purposes, these commercials ask you to believe the world is filled with [...]

    30. [...] here, complete with hipster mayo-eaters doing bong hits out of old mayo jars…and here is youjustmademylist.com proposing their own much-improved script (this one gets my vote, even over colbert…sorry [...]

    31. wtfyoon 09 Nov 2009 at 12:38 am

      Miracle Whip is disgusting.

    32. wtfyoon 09 Nov 2009 at 1:04 am

      ….and its a fucking salad dressing NOT even comparable to mayo.

      According to Kraft foods “Miracle Whip/Miracel Whip salad dressing is known for its zesty taste and creamy consistency. Consumers all over the world use “the zip” in different ways, including in dips, creamy potato and pasta salads, dressings and as a sandwich spread. ”
      http://www.kraftfoodscompany.com/brands/largest-brands/brands-m/miracle-whip.aspx

    33. [...] stolen the contents of my handsome head. This time around these pilfering sons-of-asses have taken my genius thoughts about the Miracle Whip commercials and used them word for word. Literally WORD FOR WORD! Well, maybe not literally word for word but [...]

    34. Donald Krumpon 27 Nov 2009 at 12:55 am

      it’s the cocaine of condiments
      you can’t deny its dominance
      it’s obvious. it’s prominent.
      it’s the cocaine of condiments.
      it’s Miracle Whip
      Miracle Whip
      Miracle Whip
      Miracle Whip
      blend it up and take a sip.

      http://www.myspace.com/donaldkrump

    35. xanderon 07 May 2010 at 2:47 pm

      lol If I use Miracle Whip on my sandwich I will be COOL! Sorry Kraft I won’t buy into your plan to buy your high fructose corn syrup laden salad dressing. Mayo all the way.

    36. [...] what hipsters, the Hells Angles are here to take your precious Miracle Whip out of your tiny hands and fucking [...]

    37. MayoManon 19 Jul 2010 at 9:31 pm

      How do they even attempt to compare Mayo and Miracle Whip? I really like Mayo, and almost anything I like Mayo on I HATE Miracle whip on. We ran out of Mayo and had to make a Tuna sandwich with Miracle Whip, freakin’ gross man! How can they compare these two things? I mean it seems to me like you are comparing two totally different condiments which doesn’t really make any sense…. Why would you compare ketchup to mustard? I like both, but I am not about to put ketchup on my pretzels, or mustard on my fries….

      And the commercial is annoying as heck. Makes me wonder who the hell thought it was a good idea and why they are still alive.

    38. MayoMan2.0on 19 Jul 2010 at 9:33 pm

      How do they even attempt to compare Mayo and Miracle Whip? I really like Mayo, and almost anything I like Mayo on I HATE Miracle whip on. We ran out of Mayo and had to make a Tuna sandwich with Miracle Whip, freakin’ gross man! How can they compare these two things? I mean it seems to me like you are comparing two totally different condiments which doesn’t really make any sense…. Why would you compare ketchup to mustard? I like both, but I am not about to put ketchup on my pretzels, or mustard on my fries….

      And the commercial is annoying as heck. Makes me wonder who the hell thought it was a good idea and why they are still alive.

    39. SuperMayoMan3.0on 19 Jul 2010 at 9:46 pm

      Miracle Whip is just Mayo + 2 cups of sugar. Not only pointless, but disgusting as well.

    40. Samon 20 Jul 2010 at 1:35 pm

      The only person I pity more than the girl at the end of this commercial doing the ‘sultry’ look at the camera while doing some sort of offensively strange posing with the Miracle Whip jar is ME. I have to watch videos of Maru the cat for TWO HOURS after being subjected to this commercial just to get through the anger.

    41. Jamieon 21 May 2011 at 9:21 am

      honestly, i think the “i love/i hate” miracle whip commercial is stupid! First of all, why would you advertise that 50% of the population HATES miracle whip? didn’t the corporates at MW even think, “hey wait, if we advertise this, would it mean half of all people hate us?”. while the corporates childishly respond, “No, half of all people love us,” this still jeopardized their company. While trying to make some entertainment for the audience between siding with or against the MW, i thought that this plan was too much of a setback more that what they intended to gain. MW could have and should have made a better commercial showing how people love it. I like how MW is truthful when compared to other products by admitting that not everyone loves their product, but to announce to a large audience this love hate relationship, the product’s commercial itself is demoting rather than promoting. Because of that commercial, i ironically refuse to use Miracle whip.