Aug 07 2009

Expensive breakfasts!

Published by at 3:11 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

waffle house

This photo is more beautiful than any piece of crap Ansel Adams ever photographed. I took this photo at a “Waffle House” and I’m planning on having it tattooed on the inside of my eyelids so I can dream about it every night. I LOVE Waffle House. These people are my heroes. Sadly, the amazing Waffle House chain does not reach as far north as Chicago, but you can bet your fat ass that any time I’m on some awesome road trip, being cool and kickass, I will search one of these fuckers out and eat the living shit out of some waffles. Luckily, there are many great greasy spoon diners in Chicago. Unluckily, there are also a ton of trendy bullshit breakfast spots too.

Every once in a while I’m forced to go to one of these horror shows, but never again, I’m putting my foot down. Here’s what you can count on at the trendy places…

1) A long wait. All you want is to nurse that hangover with a plate of fat with a side of fat and a tall glass of fat, but instead you get the pleasure of waiting for an hour and a half surrounded by guys in khaki shorts and dress sandals.

2) A cramped table. After feeling like you might die on the sidewalk, you finally get a table. Yay? Sadly this table is so close to your neighbor’s table, you can feel khaki shorts rubbing against your leg the entire breakfast and are forced to eavesdrop on a conversation about the Counting Crows.

3) Fussy food. These places try to reinvent what short-order cooks already perfected decades ago and fail miserably.

4) A huge bill for your boring, fussy food. Let me just quickly run to the bank an apply for a small business loan so that I might pay for these eggs.

5) GET OUT! Yeah, your waitress (she’s really a performance artist) has no interest in calling you “honey” and letting you take your sweet time.

Nothing beats A good, fatty, greasy, classic diner breakfast. It tastes better, it’s cheaper and your waitress will either be awesome because she is so nice, or awesome because she is so rude. So take your fancy, expensive, bullshit breakfast and place it in the darkest of dark places.

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26 comments so far

26 comments to “Expensive breakfasts!”

  1. jasonon 07 Aug 2009 at 5:11 am

    Three words, Fowler Street Grill! If you are ever in Fort Myers Florida hit this place for breakfast. It is absolutely great. The steak and eggs with taters breakfast is so good make you wanna slap yo mamma. Prices are like from the 80’s. Huge steak and eggs with taters is $5.99, you can’t beat that at Wal-Mart.

  2. Joeon 07 Aug 2009 at 5:19 am

    waffle house kicks scrotum, got a few around here

  3. Fredon 07 Aug 2009 at 6:23 am

    Sadly, many of the great little greasy spoons in Chicago have fallen to condo developments. One of the last little holdouts is the Diner Grill in Chicago. I love to watch the short order cooks work their magic. I often wonder where they learned their craft? Prison? A true greasy spoon in the heart of khaki-town.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 07 Aug 2009 at 8:13 am

    Fred – Diner Grill is great. I think it’s the only train car diner left in the city. One of my favorites, Augie’s in Andersonville, closed a few years ago.

  5. SanFranon 07 Aug 2009 at 8:36 am

    DUDE! I’m with you… Waffle House pretty much kicks fucking ass. My wife is from Georgia – so whenever we go for a visit, I pretty much turn into a whiny little bitch UNTIL, and not a moment sooner, I get me some fucking waffle house waffles…

    I was once called a “breakfast snob” by a friend, because I protested going to the likes of Denny’s or something… And I pointed out that I am not a snob, because I’ll eat at the dirtiest, sketchiest, ‘sub-par’ breakfast nook in the worst part of town… so long as there is only ONE of them…

    Waffle house is the exception, of course.

    And, some interesting info: I was driving from Atlanta to the Eastern Shore of Maryland on Christmas Day once, with weather, a 19 hour haul, and Waffle house was the only place open along the way… The place was packed to the gills – all of them were.. I happened to be waited on by the manager, and she informed me that Christmas Day is THE busiest day of the year for the entire chain, by a substantial margin.

    Anyhow, rock on.

  6. Jayon 07 Aug 2009 at 10:18 am

    I’m picturing the Bongo Room on Milwaukee Ave. while I read this, that place is such a nightmare. Mmm… Waffle House…

  7. Tommyon 07 Aug 2009 at 10:40 am

    Whatever…my omelets are the best

  8. The Tooth Gameon 07 Aug 2009 at 10:48 am

    WTF are dress sandals? 😀

  9. SanFranon 07 Aug 2009 at 10:58 am

    Furthermore, Listy…

    I need you to know you pretty much fucked up my entire morning, if not day. All I want is Waffle House now, and the closest one is, according to google maps, is Denver…

    Damn you, damn you to fussy restaurant hell!

  10. Jacobon 07 Aug 2009 at 11:04 am

    Those fat fucks in the video made me want to slit my throat and drink coffee through the hole.

  11. Rachelon 07 Aug 2009 at 11:46 am

    the Omlette Parlor in Costa Mesa, CA. so-muther-flippin good…

  12. Rachelon 07 Aug 2009 at 11:47 am

    p.s. please post a pic of dress sandals, for Toothy ^

  13. Saraon 07 Aug 2009 at 11:50 am

    We have a waffle house at each end of town. I personaly love the patty melt, then of course my hasbrowns smothered covered and smashed

    Colin Powel was at a local College giving a speach recently and where was the first place he hit up in town?

    Thats right, da’ house

  14. You Just Made My List!on 07 Aug 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Jay – HA HA! I was literally picturing Bongo Room the entire time I was writing this.

    Rachel & Tooth – I guess I would consider something like this to be “dress sandals” http://www.hushpuppies.com/US/en-US/Gallery/NV/sandals/MEN.aspx

    SanFran – I know where I’m spending Christmas morning this year!!!

  15. mikeon 07 Aug 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Yeah Rachel, omelette parlor is great, cheap, huge, and actually not super greasy breakfast. any great restaurant in OC is located in a strip mall next to Longs or a rite Aid.

    Listy if you are ever in LA/OC hit up one of these two. The Griddle Cafe is interesting, hear me out. it kindof combines fancy pants breakfast with good ole’ greasy spoon. and it works. They have these gigantic Pancakes where they put crazy stuff in the batter from Bailey’s to esspresso chips, to pumpkin pie filling. yes its trendy, its crowded, its in hollywood, but you get huge, greasy, awesome food. Its been a while but I don’t ever remember being pissed off because i paid too much (and trust me nothing pisses me off more) but I do remember carrying a togo box of pancakes which I ate for dinner.

    http://www.costamesaomeletteparlor.com/
    http://www.thegriddlecafe.com/menu.html

  16. hodanon 07 Aug 2009 at 3:43 pm

    whatever happened to making your own fucking breakfast?!

  17. Tommyon 07 Aug 2009 at 5:56 pm

    San Fran: There are some in Arizona according to the waffle house website…

  18. Jayon 08 Aug 2009 at 12:45 am

    Ha! Nice!

    I forgot to mention Demars, my favorite old school greasy breakfast spot on Chicago Ave. that unfortunately was set ablaze about four years ago and never reopened. I took my parents there once and the bill was so cheap it made them laugh. That’s the way it should be!

  19. Jaime S.on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:37 am

    I don’t know how far away you are from Grayslake, IL (It’s a northern suburb) but if you ever make it up that way, Fred’s Diner is right on Center Street in Grayslake, and it is AWESOME!!! They have the BEST biscuits and gravy in the world. A full order of B&G with two eggs over easy right on top with a drink is less than $10. It is always packed on the weekends because it’s pretty tiny, but it is worth the wait!!!

  20. You Just Made My List!on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:47 am

    Jaime – I’m not “close” but I LOVE to take short food road trips! I once drove 2 hours (each way) for a cheeseburger. Thanks for the suggestion!

  21. SanFranon 10 Aug 2009 at 10:29 am

    Tommy… There are some in AZ?

    Hot damn! I’m hopping in my 1973 VW Thing, taking the doors off, and hitting the road. Should be there in ohhhhh, 2 days, if I don’t dilly-dally or stop at too many In n’ Out burgers.

  22. CreatureofHabiton 11 Aug 2009 at 6:13 am

    What about Prairie Joe’s in Evanston? I ate there once and I seem to remember they were walking a fine line. But the food was good and cheap. And I also seem to remember milkshakes & malts….Mmmmm……….

  23. You Just Made My List!on 11 Aug 2009 at 7:23 am

    I really like Prairie Joe’s but I’m picky about my diner atmosphere. It’s such a cool, classic space but all that crazy Photoshop “art”the owner puts all over the place ruins the diner feel for me. Food is great though.

    I sound like such an asshole. I hate myself.

  24. mikeon 12 Sep 2009 at 7:41 pm

    I agree that Prairie Joe’s walks a fine line being a diner, however many diners do have certain gimmick going on and that in itself is not knew. I think Prairie Joe’s is more representative of current trends, however in the department of diners, that is, regulars, price and home cooked food it definately still is a diner in its own right, and like many diners it reflects the owners sense of his business.

  25. PoodlesRuleon 17 Dec 2010 at 1:46 am

    Mmmmm, this post Really made me miss Chicago : (
    I used to live around Clark and Belmont — tell me, is the Salt and Pepper still there? What about Clarks in Lincoln Park? I lost 20 pounds when I moved to California: no more pancakes and steak fries. Boo hoo.

  26. You Just Made My List!on 17 Dec 2010 at 8:27 am

    Poodles – Chicago has great diners but they are slowly being replaced by “fancy” douchebag restaurants. Salt and Pepper still has it’s two locations but I have not been in a while. My favorite diner in Chicago, Augie’s, closed a couple years ago when Audie retired after something like 40 years. Lately I have been going to Diner Grill on Irving Park.