Aug 21 2009

The fact that I just learned about pluots!

Published by at 3:35 am under Awesome!

pluots

Oh holy Lord, do I love me some pluots!

If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.

Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.

Floyd Zaiger is GOD!

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26 comments so far

26 comments to “The fact that I just learned about pluots!”

  1. Kellion 21 Aug 2009 at 7:35 am

    What is also awesome about the pluot is that they are sometimes called Dinosaur Eggs. That is how they were labelled the first time I saw them in a store. I was intrigued and bought some and I must agree…they are the best.

  2. Joeon 21 Aug 2009 at 7:45 am

    make a pineapple fuck an orange, i might be impressed by that. fuck pluots.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 21 Aug 2009 at 8:05 am

    Joe – You get down on your filthy knees and beg for forgiveness! Fuck pluots? FUCK PLUOTS? You sir, make me sick.

  4. Jeffon 21 Aug 2009 at 8:28 am

    Yeah – they definitely had a picture of a dinosaur on them when they hit the mean streets of Brooklyn in 2002. You have indeed been missing out!

  5. SanFranon 21 Aug 2009 at 9:59 am

    why I’ve never in my life seen something like this.

    What’s next, a horse getting fucked by a man in the pooper, while the horse fucks a woman?

    THE OUTRAGE!

  6. Joeon 21 Aug 2009 at 11:13 am

    a guy was fucked to death by a horse, you’re insensitive. really.

    listun, ironically enough, i’m already on my knees, but apricots are gross, plums are ok though. whereas a pineapple is delicious and an orange is delicious and has loyal taste on top of that, so nothing can beat it other than the double bypass burger.

  7. SanFranon 21 Aug 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Joe:

    Au contraire! Pineapples, in fact, SUCK… not as bad a grapefruit though… Love Apricots, and plums are the ultimate beach food.. well, Nectarines are, now that I think about it. Oranges are kick ass, too.

    Your opinions are wrong, except for a double-bypass burger (without onions or mustard or pickles, please)

  8. You Just Made My List!on 21 Aug 2009 at 12:33 pm

    SanFran – Hold the fucking phone, cool your jets! What is this nonsense about pineapples sucking? Even though Joe probably want to rape me with a pineapple, I still love them.

    At least we can all agree that cheese burgers are better than any lame piece of fruit.

  9. rachelon 21 Aug 2009 at 12:48 pm

    know what’s better than a pluot? listening to you grannies sit around arguing over fruit.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 21 Aug 2009 at 1:00 pm

    OK Rachel, just slow your roll for a second! Have you tasted a pluot? I would murder a nun for a delicious pluot!

  11. Joeon 21 Aug 2009 at 1:05 pm

    the dbb im talking about is “A burger topped with five slices of bacon, four slices of cheese, two fried eggs, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onion between two grilled cheese sandwiches.” its on thisiswhyyourefat.com which is a fantastic site. made my, pineapples are too pokey, i never want to hurt you, all my acts are out of love, not some weird torture fetish, sheesh. l o l smileyface

    also, if anyone ventures to the fatness, look up the fat sam in the archives in april, its awesome.

  12. rachelon 21 Aug 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Listy~ no need for any roll-slowing. i have not had a pluot. it sounds amazing. i WILL try it. i love fruit. many fruits. but my favorite is pineapple. i would murder a nun for a pineapple, and then cover myself and my pizza in it.

    and, i hate to EVER disagree with you…but, i do not think cheese burgers are good. there. i said it. i do not eat meat. none. yuck. and inevetably whenever i say that i am a vegetarian, some dipshit asks “do you eat chicken or fish?”.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 21 Aug 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Rachel – I understand why people may choose to not eat meat, but there is no possible way I could ever stop. I love it too much. I really try to control my diet, but I have a very fast metabolism and am one of those awesome assholes who can eat anything and not get fat. Well, I should say that I do exercise regularly and try to limit the bad stuff as much as possible. Technically I still work hard not to be unhealthy. I just love unhealthy food to much to quit though. Life is too short, I would cut 5 years off my life if it means a lifetime of eating bacon. Just the mere mention of the BBQ gives me a boner. It can be embarrassing when I am actually IN a BBQ restaurant.

  14. SanFranon 21 Aug 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Listy: I’m with you, as a fast-metabolizer. Try as I might, I can’t gain weight. I’m sure if suddenly I were immobilized, unable to ride my fucking bike or go hiking or hoist giant cheeseburgers into my gaping maw, things might be different, but until then, chow the fuck down! Granted, I do have a certain distaste for salt and sweets alike… which might add a few years at the other end…

    Vegetarians… I respect that, for whatever reason one has. I go on spells where I have no craving for meat at all. You have to listen to your body – as it knows best.

    That’s how I keep my girlish figure, and why I shave my inner thigh, so as to attract Listy.

  15. rachelon 21 Aug 2009 at 2:38 pm

    SF and Listy~ if loving both of you disgusting meat-whores is wrong…i don’t wanna be right.

  16. Yours Trulyon 21 Aug 2009 at 3:08 pm

    “if loving both of you disgusting meat-whores is wrong…i don’t wanna be right.”

    If they were to say they dined exclusively on poultry, would that make them cock-whores?

  17. rachelon 21 Aug 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Listy-

    PS– want to give yourself a boner?? have you seen Jim Gaffigan’s stand up about BACON? youtube, that shit!

  18. Amandaon 22 Aug 2009 at 3:22 pm

    If I could find a bunch of these, I’d find so many ways to bake ’em into things. They sound pretty awesome.

  19. dson 28 Aug 2009 at 3:25 pm

    my mawmaws been buying me dinosaur eggs since i was a tyke n boy i’ll tell u what – i’m glad your spreading the good gospel.

    amanda, if u ever find any ways to bake em, let me know.

  20. Joshon 31 Aug 2009 at 5:26 pm

    O man these are good! Just found them at the local asian mart.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 31 Aug 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Josh – Shirtless high five!

  22. […] Oranges are the Beatles of fruit. Pluots are the Pink Floyd of fruit and grapes are the Pixies. Bananas are the Talking Heads and Apples are […]

  23. […] to open, shitty tasting seed with a crappy texture, have fun, I’ll be eating a delicious pluot in my car. Share the […]

  24. Nameless L.O.S.T. Extra - Soon deadon 13 Feb 2011 at 3:48 am

    Click my name. Pluots are off the chart, beyond the upper-right hand corner. Fuck grapefruit.

  25. Jenaon 13 Jun 2011 at 9:05 pm

    OK, I’m confused. When I discovered pluots at the Publix, they had “pluots” and beside them “dinosaur egg pluots,” which looked different from the regular pluots. They basically labeled the dinosaur egg pluots like a different variety. Are they the same thing?!

  26. You Just Made My List!on 13 Jun 2011 at 9:13 pm

    I’m pretty sure the dinosaur egg variety is just another way to market pretty much the same thing. Either way, I want to have sex with all pluots.