Oct 26 2009

5 blade shaving razors!

Published by at 3:24 am under Awesome!

gillette Fusion Razor

How many blades do we need? This is outrageous! Outrageously AWESOME!

Yeah, I was once an idiot like you. I would sit around all day saying “Five blades is too many, what is with this crazy nonsense?” I would mock razor commercials touting their 2 blades, then their 3 blades, next 4 blades! “When will this end?” I thought to myself. I am here to tell you it should never end!

A few years ago a free Gillette Fusion razor showed up in my mail like an unwanted, screaming baby left on a church doorstep. I wanted to punch it in its face. That cocky son of a bitch thought it was so fucking cool with its five blades. It remained untouched until one day when I realized I was out of razors. I reluctantly opened the package and placed the ridiculously large collection of blades to my handsome face. Listen to me when I tell you that a unicorn flew out of my butt as I pulled the razor across my skin for the first time.

You think five blades is enough? Guess again dick head, the Fusion has a sixth blade hiding on the backside for all your hard to get areas. You can even shave inside your god damn nose with that sixth blade!

I want to make sure you understand that I am not being hilarious and sarcastic, I really DO love this razor! Five blades really DO make a huge difference. I bet seven blades would be even more awesome. Why stop there, give me ten or twelve blades! Make a glove covered in 100 razors and I will use it.

Stop being a sissy a get a 5 blade razor already.

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24 comments so far

24 comments to “5 blade shaving razors!”

  1. Joeon 26 Oct 2009 at 7:21 am

    i use a dinky blue plastic one with two blades in the shower with water. works for me.

  2. Peteon 26 Oct 2009 at 7:43 am

    You’ll love this. Written by the doofs at http://www.aintitbalenews.com

    http://tinyurl.com/yzushmg

    Boston – In a surprise move that stunned the entire bathroom hygiene industry, Gillette unveiled its new Fusion Bale Super-Duper Deluxe Professional 5000 – X 039976 .38 caliber men’s razor yesterday at a morning news conference sponsored by parent company Proctor & Gamble.

    Dubbed the Bale 5K-X for quicker ease of reference, the state-of-the-art razor sports a walloping 30 blades, three lubrication strips, and a vast array of tools and equipment needed for man’s survival in an increasingly hostile world.

    The razor-handgun is being marketed as the crown jewel of Gillette’s already popular line of Mach and Fusion “extreme” grooming instruments.

    “This is the last fucking razor you’ll ever need,” announced Gillette publicist Jim Danziger. “Whether you’re climbing the corporate ladder in a busy downtown metropolis or scaling a precipice in the wild, the Bale 5K-X is essential equipment for the modern man.”

    The handle of the razor is fashioned from the same lightweight titanium alloy used for construction on the International Space Station. Concealed within the grip are fold-out screwdrivers, drill bits, knives, mini-saws, roach clip, cutting utensils, corkscrews, bottle openers, and ice picks.

    The screw-off cap at the hilt boasts a built-in Mag flashlight, GPS circuitry, and a 200x optical microscope. Removing the LED compass reveals a hollow compartment in the base for storing waterproof matches, bullets, fishing line, gauze, salt tablets, thread, and sewing needles for suturing wounds.

    The lubrication strips include a skin exfoliating agent, an aloe-emitting gel scrub, and cologne sponge reservoir of Versace for Men.

    “There’s no reason you can’t slaughter a tribe of absolute pricks and not come out looking and smelling terrific,” Danziger chimed.

    The razor’s unique telescoping .38 caliber hand gun is optional—those who elect the firearm appendage must wait thirty days for delivery pending a criminal record check. Buyers are required to registered ownership of the device, at which time they’ll be issued a license and user manual. The Bale 5K-X is shipped with a sturdy, triple-tanned leather holster made from the hides of amateur directors of photography.

    A prototype of the 5K-X was given to actor Christian Bale, for whom the lethal but aesthetically-engineered implement was named. Terminator star Bale was reportedly delighted by the working model, according to his spokesman, and spent the better part of an afternoon toying with its countless stainless steel applications.

    “Chris loved the zircon-encrusted tweezers and the nail clippers,” said publicist Alan Nierob. “The garrote, switchblade, and lock-picks were especially intriguing. He also likes the do-hicky that cuts the fuckin’ shrink wrap and sticky tape off new CDs.”

    Danziger told the enthusiast crowd Bale couldn’t wait to “get out there and carve up some fucking assholes” with his new 5K-X.

    “Bale…he’s the best a professional man can get,” Nierob declared, reciting Gillette’s hip new slogan.

  3. Joeon 26 Oct 2009 at 9:25 am

    sounds pretty cool bro

  4. 8bitheroon 26 Oct 2009 at 11:40 am

    I use one blade. Have since I was in the Military and a barber taught me to use it properly.

    Straight razor.

    Best shave ever, lasts forever, never needs refills.

    Manly as all fuck.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 12:32 pm

    8bit – It is manly, I agree.

  6. Bon 26 Oct 2009 at 12:33 pm

    I use disposable ones from Costco. The multi- blades are so expensive.

    Besides, I shave differently than most people. I go against the grain. It’s a smoother shave, but my face is crying like a baby by Friday, so I give my face a break on the weekend.

    Do you people shave upward or downward? Am I doing it wrong?

  7. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 12:38 pm

    B – You are only half way doing it wrong. Your first stroke should be with the grain (usually top to bottom) and then you should finish with a nice against the grain pass. The multi-blades are more expensive, but I’m telling you give it a try and your face will stop crying. Rainbows will shoot out of every pore on your face!

  8. T.J.on 26 Oct 2009 at 12:54 pm

    That is just about the same way I came across the Fusion. I was reluctant to buy it for a few years because I didn’t feel I needed five blades on one razor. Boy,was I wrong,this thing is great,especially for a guy who gets a five o’clock shadow like an hour before he is done shaving in the morning. Whoever invented it should receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

  9. Tommyon 26 Oct 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Yes I love the fusion. And if you’re worried about the price…forget it. You can use one cartridge for 6 months and it will still give you a better shave than any 2 blade system….
    Here’s something to get pissed off about:
    http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Witty-Conversation

    and wiki how to’s in general

  10. Saraon 26 Oct 2009 at 1:28 pm

    8bit- thats hot

    T.J.- an hour before your done? Are you full body “manscaping”

    I don’t know if this will help the dudes, but I use hair conditioner instead of lather and it works AMAZING…on my legs! I don’t have a stache

  11. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Tommy – That article is super annoying! “Use puns?”

    Sara – I shave with a chainsaw, so even hotter.

  12. guilty noodleson 26 Oct 2009 at 2:14 pm

    My husband uses the Fusion Power. It totally freaked me out the other day in the shower. I accidentally knocked it off the shelf and it started vibrating. That’s right. A vibrating razor for that REALLY close shave.
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001JQLNGE/ref=cm_rdp_product

  13. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Guilty – Yeah, I don’t understand the concept of the vibrating razor at all. How could that possibly help you shave? I’m sure you were happy to find it though.

  14. EBochon 26 Oct 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I was once like you; “who is sending me this razor in the mail? I already have one with 3 blades, why do I need 5?”
    But then I tried it and I can’t put it down. I am even considering shaving my legs, chest, and back.
    But I must say, the cost of these replacement, $25, has made me go back to the 3 blade model. They are so precious they lock up the replacement cartridges behind a glass case in the store.
    I still use the 5-blader, but only for “special” occasions where I need to be really clean and really shaven.

  15. rachelon 26 Oct 2009 at 4:39 pm

    where is the ladies’ counterpart?

    ps Listy~ just tried the Magic Eraser. it was sent from heaven. thank you.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Rachel – Your first time in the loving arms of Mr. Clean! I’m jealous, I remember my first time.

  17. lacieon 26 Oct 2009 at 5:18 pm

    i’m a girl and i use this razor…i LOVE it, it’s so much better than any razor for a woman

  18. Paul in Saint Paulon 26 Oct 2009 at 6:37 pm

    For someone who finds such ecstasy in shaving, you sure do bum around with a Don Johnson look a lot. Maybe picking up that razor more often would pick up your spirits.

  19. You Just Made My List!on 26 Oct 2009 at 7:03 pm

    Paul – I actually started this post about how I hate to shave but it was boring. I switched it to my love of the Fusion, which was even more boring but I was to sick of trying so I quit. I really do HATE shaving though, it’s not a fashion thing.

  20. Paul in Saint Paulon 26 Oct 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Your love of the Fusion makes way better discussion than a hatred of shaving.

  21. T.J.on 26 Oct 2009 at 7:52 pm

    I meant an hour AFTER I was done shaving. Vlade Divac must be my real father because I have his five o’clock shadow!

  22. Andrewon 26 Oct 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I think you might like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbT3JARkluk

    ps. Finnish is such a screwy language

  23. You Just Made My List!on 27 Oct 2009 at 10:00 am

    Andrew – That’s funny, thanks.

  24. Tony Jaguaron 02 Dec 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Glove covered in razors, that’s good shit.