Nov 03 2009

Mall Cops: Mall of America!

Published by at 3:14 am under I Don't Get It,Sucky TV

Mall Cops: Mall of America

While the rest of you jerks were out having fun this Halloween weekend I was in bed for 2 days straight with some mystery illness that will most likely kill me by Thursday. One of the many perks to being sick is watching things on TV that would normally have you diving for the remote. When the new TLC program “Mall Cops: Mall of America” soiled itself all over my TV screen, it was almost like one of those nightmares where a psycho killer is approaching with a huge knife but you stand there paralyzed, unable to move. I felt like James Caan in Misery and these mall cops were my own personal Kathy Bates whacking me across the shins with their incredibly boring existence.

As you might have deduced from the title, Mall Cops: Mall of America follows mall security guards as they patrol the gritty, mean streets of the largest mall in America. Now, try to imagine how boring that sounds. Got it? Now, take your prediction and make it 100 times more boring and you are almost there.

What I am about to write is real. I did not make any of this up, this is what really happened in the one hour program…

– Some teen star named Demi Lovato is going to sign autographs but not every fan could get a wristband. This causes many prepubescent tears.

– An approaching storm might cause the autograph signing to be canceled. Why? Because lightning might be able to come inside the mall? Huh?

– A mall cop needs to check the badges of some construction workers. They all have badges. Carry on.

– A call for medical assistance rings out over the radio! A mall cop rushes through the mall with a lifesaving kit! The victim is a 6-year-old with a tiny scrape on his leg. She gives him two Band-aids because “sometimes kids like two Band-aids.”

– Storm approaching! Where’s Demi? Girls crying! Mothers bitching and whining!

– The manager of an ice cream store has an expired badge. He was warned about this before, so out he goes. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

– An old lady cries because she can’t find her car. Bicycle mall cops find it for her.

– A creepy couple gets married at the Mall of America wedding chapel. The bride and groom want to ride the log flume. The mall cops are worried her long dress could be dangerous on the ride. They ride the logs without incident.

– The storm clears and 17-year-old Demi Lovato arrives looking like a 29-year-old prostitute. She signs autographs without incident.

– A mall cop finds a lost baby sock and immediately goes on patrol searching for a baby wearing only one sock. Sadly, the tiny sock is never reunited with its family.

I’m going back to bed.

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13 comments so far

13 comments to “Mall Cops: Mall of America!”

  1. Joeon 03 Nov 2009 at 8:46 am

    “sometimes kids like two Band-aids.” that line got me. im snagged, gotta watch it now.

  2. calebon 03 Nov 2009 at 9:56 am

    unfortunately i live in Minneapolis and have had to visit the MOA on several occasions (relatives always HAVE to go there).
    it’s a nasty place – full of sad toddlers trailing after their unattentive urban teenage mothers, or suburbanites and rural bumpkins looking to consume as much as they possibly can in an afternoon. they then drive their SUVs back to their huge subdivisions and unload all the useless pap they have purchased and gaze at it with a nervous satisfaction.

  3. calebon 03 Nov 2009 at 9:57 am

    i should rephrase that – it’s not unfortunate that i live in Minneapolis. Minneapolis is an awesome town. it’s unfortunate that i’ve been to the MOA.

  4. hodanon 03 Nov 2009 at 12:34 pm

    that sounds so fucking boring! I’d put you on the list for watching it even if you can’t find the remote. throw the dog or cat at the TV!

  5. Joeon 03 Nov 2009 at 12:54 pm

    he was sick. being sick gives you the ability to watch shit you’d otherwise never think about watching. like you can’t blame your friend for going home with the ugly bitch after all that whiskey.

  6. rachelon 03 Nov 2009 at 2:39 pm

    you know that watching this is a major symptom of swine flu, right??

  7. You Just Made My List!on 03 Nov 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Rachel – I was wondering why I can’t fight the urge to roll around in my own shit.

  8. Steveon 03 Nov 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I might have to fire up the ol’ DVR for this.

  9. Jonathanon 03 Nov 2009 at 4:35 pm

    This is the epitome of stupid reality shows about PEOPLE DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS. Did you do a post about that very topic? I hate this shit. What’s next? “Toll Booth Operators of the George Washington Bridge”????

  10. You Just Made My List!on 03 Nov 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Jonathan – Yes I did

  11. Peteon 04 Nov 2009 at 11:15 am

    A meteor can’t hit this planet fast enough or hard enough.

  12. Raisaon 14 Nov 2009 at 3:34 am

    I would just like to say first I resent Caleb’s comment about surbanites and “rural bumpkins” (I grew up in a rural Wisconsin town), we aren’t all that bad! I live in the suburbs only because my job is in the suburbs. With that said, ike Caleb I have been to the Mall of America, but rarely by choice. Everything is so much more expensive and the massive crowds make leisurly window shopping a pointless venture.

    Now don’t get me wrong I understand that sometimes it probably isn’t easy being a security guard at Mall of America, but really, does it need its own show? I don’t think so. I’ve know people who have worked at the mall and I’ve been at the mall numerous times to know that “You Just Made My List” got it right.

    Nine out of Ten times Bloomington Police are going to handle any major calls that happen within the store. They have a few substations through out the mall and I’ve seen more Bloomington PD officers patrolling the mall then I have the white shirted security guards. This joke is as big of a joke as Jon and Kate Plus 8 is. Go figure it’s the same broadcast company.

    Just another reason not to venture to the Mall of America. It’s really not as special as everyone makes it out to be.

  13. NavyWingson 27 May 2010 at 11:57 pm

    You nailed it! Has to be the most ridiculous plot for a TV show I’ve seen. Flunkies who couldn’t make it into real law enforcement work.