Nov 09 2009

Percussionists!

Published by at 3:09 am under Crappy Music,Why?!?

percussionist dork

I’m not talking about drummers. No, I am referring to the guy on stage directly to the drummer’s right. The guy with the perm from 1992 who’s wearing the vest and smacking the bongos with a level of excitement normally reserved for losing one’s virginity. Ironically this is not a joy most percussionists will ever know.

While drummers play an important and kick ass role in a band, it seems the sole purpose of a percussionist is to make that dreamy, twinkly sound during ballads by running a drum stick across the miniature chimes that they seem to have some legal obligation to own. Other than that what do they do? Hit cymbals at the exact same time as the drummer? You know what it sounds like when 3 cymbals are all hit at the same time? It sounds exactly like 2 cymbals hit at the same time.

These useless turds always have the same shit-eating grin on their face too because, unlike the core members of the band who had to work hard to get to the point where they can tour and afford to waste their money on a percussionist, they simply get plucked from their job at Guitar Center and placed on stage in front of the band’s fans. The thing is that these dicks always act like the cheering crowds are actually there to see them play their little setup of nonessential drums. The truth is they are there to see Sting suck.

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14 comments so far

14 comments to “Percussionists!”

  1. Peteon 09 Nov 2009 at 8:16 am

    You had me until the Sting part–I happen to be a fan of Mr. Sumner.

    But I agree that most percussionists are absolutely non-essential. What’s worst is when they get a chance to “solo.”

  2. mikeon 09 Nov 2009 at 10:57 am

    Pete, Listy doesn’t hate the Police. He only hates Sting by himself. I think a lot of times a band will hire a percussionist to distract people from their actual music. Like if Pink Floyd were touring and they decided they wanted to promote a new CD. They would have a percussionist. Or if Sting was touring and he wanted to play something that was not from The Police.

  3. Saraon 09 Nov 2009 at 1:49 pm

    at least percussionists have some musical training what’s with these bands like Polyphonic spree or the Magnetic Zero’s that just let any asshole on stage? “What do you play? The stick! Well get on stage! We still have some standing room in that corner. What about you? Oh we already have a stick player…but you can dance around like an idiot in that corner if you like”

  4. a percussioniston 09 Nov 2009 at 3:29 pm

    you wish you could shred like me faggot

  5. Tommyon 09 Nov 2009 at 4:38 pm

    percussionist is to shred as phish concert is to mosh pit

  6. You Just Made My List!on 09 Nov 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Pete – Mike is right, I like Police Sting but not solo jazzy Sting.

    Mike – It was actually a live Pink Floyd concert I saw on TV over the weekend that inspired this post.

    Sara – Funny!

    Percussionist – Agreed.

    Tommy – Yes.

  7. mikeon 10 Nov 2009 at 11:22 am

    Edward Sharpe and The Magnectic Zero’s are so rad, but yeah they do have a people on their payroll, and in this economy… that’s probably why when they go up on Dave Letterman they can even afford to get themselves some shoes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb9jY8yAxgs

    But even if you hate them, you have to love that little trumpet solo.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 10 Nov 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Mike – The trumpet was nice but that’s where it ends. I HATE DIRTY HIPPIES! I might have liked it more if I heard it without seeing those prancing fleabags. Thanks, now I have to go shower 5 times before bed.

  9. tomon 11 Nov 2009 at 5:13 am

    Hey YJMML, how can you hate Sting and not say anything about Bono? It’s not the music I hate but the self serving “I’m here to save the world” act, an act which serious people actually say increases corruption in Africa, but isn’t too bad for U2’s tour revenues…

  10. Ojomonoon 09 Dec 2009 at 1:58 pm

    What about the percussionists for Zappa, Ben Harper or Umphrey’s McGhee? They definitely add more than just a little twinkle on the wind chimes or a shaking tambourine. Percussionists have more of a legitimate spot in a band than say a third guitarist or second keyboardist.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 09 Dec 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Ojomono – No.

  12. jeromeon 31 Aug 2011 at 3:59 am

    I can see that most of the comments are being made by people who just listen to music and can’t play or are not competent enough to play skillfully. A musician would know the different dimensions, different instruments bring to a musical piece.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 31 Aug 2011 at 11:52 am

    Jerome – I’ve played music since 2nd grade and continue to earn money every year from music I have recorded. I’m OBSESSED with music actually. So put on your vest, braid your pony tail and go add some dimension to something.

    Holy shit, I am so awesome!

  14. Nickon 05 Mar 2012 at 12:29 am

    Being a percussionist I want to correct a few things.
    The guy to the right of the drummer is auxiliary percussion, he may not have the most important job but it is so nice to have that small clink or whistle if I am ever lost in a song.

    Given a lot of bands these days find someone on the street, hand them a tambourine tell them to hit it.

    I have respect for the people that know what they are doing, play multiple percussion instruments and enjoy it all the same. The problem is, whenever they are handed a simple part to play people bash them as lazy.