Nov 16 2009
Drinking water through a straw!
You know those people in the Philippines and Latin America who flog and crucify themselves in an attempt to feel the exact pain Jesus Christ went through? Well, that’s nothing compared to the pain and horror of drinking water through a straw. If Jesus had to suck down a glass of water through a straw to save us from our sins I bet he would have thought twice about it.
“What’s it gonna be Jesus?”
“Um, hold on, I’m thinking. Is that nailing me to a cross thing still an option?”
This is a true story, I was once at lunch with a 5-year-old child who took a big drink of his water through a straw thinking it was soda. What followed was the most overt expression of disappointment I have EVER seen on a human face. He was literally on the brink of tears and who can blame him? The human brain is simply not equipped to handle such an assault, or lack thereof, on the senses. There is no doubt in my mind that this child will become a serial killer.
And while I’m on the subject of water… can you please stop putting a slice of lemon in my glass? I asked for water not the world’s shittiest lemonade.
ok, now you’re just grasping at straws…
Two instances which match that level of disappointment:
1) Ask for a coffee – which I take black – and then receive a cup of instant. Holy shit, it’s painful to even pretend to drink.
2) Turn up at a BBQ where they say ‘just bring yourself’. Open the cooler and it’s full of Bud Light cans. I want to cry and then leave.
It is proven impossible to be tough while drinking from a straw. I don’t care who you are, you lose any intimidation factor you had the second you make a kissy face to drink your beverage.
I beg to differ. Water is only good with ice and I hate trying to suck my water through the ice, my poor sensative teeth cry to.
Who’s trying to look tough while drinking water anyway? How much compensation do you need to your tough persona?
Jeff – Good call. I would rather open a cooler and see NO beer. Light beer is useless.
8Bit & Sara – I drink water like a tough guy. Usually I rip off my shirt, tilt my head back and pour it all over my face while being careful to flex my muscles the entire time. Women usually have spontaneous orgasms when they witness it. I did it last night at Applebee’s and a waitress ended up pregnant just from watching.
I’ve never understood the lemon slice on the side of the glass myself. It’s a damn waste of fruit as far as I’m concerned.
My dad used to call straws “sissy tubes”
I LOVE water – room temperature, please. Lemon or lime in it makes it taste like shit, and is usually a cover-up for shitty tap water (or an attempt to be fancy-like).
Soda can go fuck itself.
What?!? I prefer to drink everything through straws — water, hot coffee, wine….only drink beer if I totally want to forget his name, so don’t even bother with cook-out coolers….I guess some of us prefer to suck on our drinks.
I do agree about the lemons — ask your waitress if they bother to wash them first before sticking the bacteria-infested slice into your glass & watch her try to lie through her teeth.
Candy – Wine? Really?
I too hate the damn lemon. I also hate space wasting solid water.
I order my water plain. How horrible is it that I have to order “Water, plain.”
Then they still get all confused. But they usually don’t say much. If I get a glass brought to me with water or ice, I hand it back and say “I ordered plain water, this isn’t mine.” People I am with hate when I do that, but fuck’em.
Some wait staff will ask what plain water is, but they clearly never stop to think that water with ice, lemon, straws with the little bit of paper still on the end for sanitary purposes, and other crap is dressed up water. HOly water isn’t so dressed up and it goes to church.
line 4: “…lemon, or ice…”