Dec 03 2009

Charley horses!

Published by at 3:30 am under Why?!?

charley horse foot cramp

Hey thanks leg, I was hoping that my innocent morning stretch would end with a pain so powerful it would cause me to piss my pants and scream into my pillow for mommy. I love to start my day by pooping my pants and whimpering like a lost puppy. What, you don’t pee and poop your pants when you get a charley horse? I do that and more. I cry and vomit too. I also sweat, sneeze, bleed out of my ears and ejaculate. It’s a real freaky scene, man.

I’m sure we have all been reduced to tears by a tiny foot cramp, but I can top you all. Your pussy cramps pale in comparison to what happened to me one morning. I don’t literally mean cramps you might get in your vagina, I was simply trying to imply that my worst charley horse could kick your charley horse’s ass! Anyway… one morning I was yawning and my motherfucking TONGUE cramped and stiffened like a brick. Do you understand what I’m talking about? I got a god damn charley horse in my mouth! A tongue boner!

Top that.

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9 comments so far

9 comments to “Charley horses!”

  1. calebon 03 Dec 2009 at 10:01 am

    yeah i get those spasms in my calfs when i stretch sometimes. hurts like a bitch! you need to up your intake of magnesium and calcium.

  2. Paul in Saint Paulon 03 Dec 2009 at 10:03 am

    I do not believe that your tongue boner can accurately be described as a charley horse. We used to give each other charley horses in my younger days with swift, unexpected punches to the thigh, accompanied by the shout, “Charley horse!” At the time, it was very funny. What strenuous activity was your tongue engaged in to bring on such an excruciating muscle cramp?

  3. kenon 03 Dec 2009 at 10:08 am

    Drink more water. The main cause of Charley horses is dehydration.

    That said, I’ve often said that I know what it feels like to get an arrow shot into my calf muscle because that’s precisely what a Charley horse feels like. I’m awakened by them quite a bit. Nothing like waking to the the sooting pain of a Charley horse.

    You ever have one of those dreams where you’re running in the dream and them you suddenly wake up to your leg twitching? What’s that all about??!

  4. You Just Made My List!on 03 Dec 2009 at 10:24 am

    Paul – Obviously, as a gigolo, I was pleasing women all day. It was a rookie mistake, I didn’t stretch and warm up.

    Ken – I have never had a twitchy leg dream. In fact, I NEVER run in my dreams. All of my dreams are sucky stress dreams. I have dreams where I am trying to run but can only manage to crawl, it’s a true joy and a wonderful way to sleep.

  5. Amandaon 03 Dec 2009 at 11:36 am

    My dad and I get pretty painful Charley horses almost nightly. One of the few times I’ve seen him cry was Charley horse related. Actually that might have been the only time I’ve seen him cry.

    Something so painful should be given a less cute name.

  6. jasonon 03 Dec 2009 at 9:15 pm

    i lost my leg to a charley horse. fifth race at charles town.

  7. marissaon 15 Apr 2010 at 3:31 pm

    i’ve had a tongue boner before but not like the one i experienced today. that’s how i found this article. innocently unravelling a twizzler pull and peel with my tongue, my whole mouth was sent into fucking shock! i damn near choked on the licorice. i hate licorice too, of course the one time i try to enjoy it…

    any way, it’s been about ten minutes since the charlie horse has passed and it still hurts to swallow and move my tongue. it’s also sending a pain to my ears.

    top that

  8. You Just Made My List!on 15 Apr 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Marissa – We should sword fight with our tongue boners sometime.

  9. Stacie Weaveron 30 May 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I just had a giant charly horse in my mouth, I only call it that due to what a charly horse is (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charley_horse)
    I felt the pain in my entire mouth even the top of my mouth it hurt like nothing I have ever had & I gave birth to all my kids with nothing for pain at all. I was screaming the only thing I could think was to drink a warm cup of water. I was just curious if others have felt what I just did and if it is something serious I need to look into.