Dec 08 2009

Wearing a coat in the car!

Published by at 3:23 am under Why?!?

seinfeld george puffy coat

One of the perks of living in Chicago is our shitty weather. I would estimate that we get about 4 nice days a year. Spring lasts about 15 minutes. Summer is so hot and humid that it regularly kills the elderly. Our fall is basically the 2-hour period between 90-degree heat and 30-degree bullshit. Accordingly, it’s already freezing and snowy here, with a “major” snow storm on the way. Now is the time for all the old-school Chicagoans to start saving public street parking spots with chairs and piles of garbage. It’s a wonder Chicago came in dead last for the 2016 Olympics!

What was I talking about? I should be able to look up at the top of my screen to see my post title, but this new iMac monitor is so fucking huge I have to climb one of those library ladders to see the top of the screen. Boy I’m cranky today!

ANYWAY… I had to break out the giant winter coat today and I’m already suicidal about it. Sure, I could continue wearing my smaller, more aesthetically pleasing coat if I want to freeze my balls off, but I need my balls if I’m ever going to fulfill my dream of putting them on Guy Fieri’s face. So my only option is to wear one of those giant coats with a furry hood and 300 pockets. You know the style, rappers like wear them in the middle of summer. Sure, it’s a warm coat, but climbing into a car while wearing it is like trying to stuff yourself back into your mother’s vagina. Cramming your puffy ass into the car only causes your coat to twist, fold and seemingly grow 5 sizes, so getting the seat belt on is impossible, but no worries, you are literally wearing the equivalent of 8 airbags.

To sum it up… why do I bother getting out of bed?

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Wearing a coat in the car!”

  1. Amandaon 08 Dec 2009 at 5:58 am

    I bet Guy Fieri wears a magic 8 ball jacket like David Puddy. All signs point to yes.

  2. Peteon 08 Dec 2009 at 7:40 am

    My king, you have an economy of words that I love, saying the things I might say, if only I had the thriftiness of language.

    I feel the same way–I broke out the Arctic “Hoth” gear yesterday because the whether here in Cleveland is about the same as Chi-town. I can look forward to not seeing the sun again until late April. When I get in the car my rapper parka bunches up and makes me look fat, which I’m most certainly not. F@ck this weather.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:35 am

    Pete – I agree, I am great.

  4. Lenon 08 Dec 2009 at 11:21 am

    And then, when the car goes from zero to ohmygawdisitfrigginhot, try slipping out of said jacket. Can’t be done without taking out a row of parked cars.

  5. Vickyon 08 Dec 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Len, that is funny, had me laughing out loud at work. I’m here in sunny California, cold cold day today, 50 outside right now…..

  6. Heathon 08 Dec 2009 at 3:17 pm

    It’s been a warm 30-35 degrees Celsius here (86-95F) for the past 2 months, kinda getting sick of it (and it’s suppose to be 40 degrees – 104f – for the next few weeks). I didn’t really have the pleasure of a winter this year, I was jobless so spent my days in bed with the heat on high, no massive coat for me.

  7. kenon 08 Dec 2009 at 3:27 pm

    One word for ya, Listy: Layers.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 08 Dec 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Ken – My coat IS over layers. I HATE WINTER!

    Heath – Where do you live? Australia? New Zealand?

  9. SanFranon 08 Dec 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I’m fucking back, again… And I don’t appreciate these temperatures (I understand it snowed around the SF Bay Area a few days ago?)…

    Looks like I missed a number of good posts while away, but citing not having any fucking clue what time/day/time-of-day it actually is because I’m jet-lagged like nobody’s business, I’m going to just close this off by saying “fuck you, you fucking fucks!”.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 08 Dec 2009 at 6:35 pm

    And fuck you back!

  11. Paul in Saint Paulon 08 Dec 2009 at 9:13 pm

    I just spent 45 minutes hunting for my snow shovel, in the process uncovering my beloved old lady grocery cart in the garage and a cavalcade of memories of walking to the grocery store in Chicago, wending my way through the 14 inch width shoveled path on the sidewalk. You need to walk more so that you’re not stuck immobilized by the mounds of hip-hop winterwear in your car. Don’t bemoan the winter to me or you’ll have to come back to Minnesota to conduct experiments on more things that are disintegrated merely by the cold.

  12. SanFranon 09 Dec 2009 at 9:10 am

    Paul: I sold my snow shovels at a yard sale in MA before moving out here… can’t say I’ve missed ’em. One of those shovels harkens back to my five years living in Northern VT – which I think is similar to Minnesota in many ways when it comes to winter weather – so I feel your pain… er, well, vaguely recall your pain, I guess.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 09 Dec 2009 at 9:46 am

    Paul – Yeah, you have it worse than us when it comes to winter. I don’t see how you do it.

    The disintegration Paul is referring to was a paper bag left in the car for several hours during sub-zero weather. When I picked it up, it was as if the molecules had given up and the bag just sort of fell apart in my hands.

    I’m moving to Mexico.

  14. Heathon 09 Dec 2009 at 3:30 pm

    I’m in Sydney Australia, the coldest it gets in the city during winter is minus 4 degrees Celsius (25F), so I really can’t complain haha…but people act like it’s the end of the world, putting on 4 layers, 2 layers of gloves and socks, I don’t I just put on a long but somewhat thin coat and it’s fine. It’s also a massive deal to scrap the thin layer of ice off the car windows every 3rd or 4th morning of winter, people here are stupid. What really shits me is people using snuggies on the the heated trains, the trains in Syd make you sweat in winter, I do hate snuggies and the people that love them tho, get a freakin blanket you lazy shit.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 09 Dec 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Heath – Wait, people in Sydney wear Snuggies in PUBLIC?!? Wow, that is hardcore dumb.

  16. Paul in Saint Paulon 09 Dec 2009 at 6:16 pm

    The idea of people riding public transit in Snuggies actually horrifies me. That shit would create a scene on the el in Chicago, and the el offers plenty to compete with for attention. I’m re-evaluating my concept of Australia.

  17. Heathon 10 Dec 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Yep, snuggies…the horror…we aren’t all like that, but it seems the majority of people here have really switched off their brains lately, it’s really starting to scare me how easily influenced people are by marketing at the moment, “Lobotomy with free Colonoscopy? Only if I call now?…CAN’TDIALFASTENOUGH”

  18. Robin in Texason 13 Dec 2009 at 10:07 am

    We had our earliest snow here in the Houston area ever last week. I’ve been here almost 11 years and it was only our third snow. I must say I get a kick out of watching people bundle up in the winter parkas when it is 50 degrees.