Dec 18 2009

Laser scissors!

Published by at 3:06 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

laser scissors

Some of you have asked if my recent absence from the site and selling of all my possessions is related to my impending suicide. The answer to that question used to be no, but now that I am aware that laser guided scissors exist… It’s hard to say. In fact, I might even buy one of these useless pieces of shit and aim that laser right over my wrists. It would truly be fitting that the object that makes me want to kill myself is the item that actually does the killing.

Can we make a rule? When mankind has figured out how to end, or even reduce, world hunger and global warming, THEN and only then can we stick lasers to scissors and crayons and forks and whatever the fuck we want to. Until then, lasers can only be used for levels, Pink Floyd laser shows and to aim tasers at shirtless drunks on COPS. All you scrapbookers are out of luck until then.

And guess what motherfucker, your laser-guided space scissors aren’t going to do shit! Think about it, the laser is supposed to offer a guide for you to follow. If your stupid laser is attached to your stupid scissors, every time you move your stupid scissors your stupid laser moves too, stupid. Imagine if the lines in the road were attached to your car, in your mind you would always be driving right down the middle of the road.

Why am I the smartest person in the world?

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12 comments so far

12 comments to “Laser scissors!”

  1. Iron Fistson 18 Dec 2009 at 4:09 am

    You made this up right? RIGHT????

  2. Andraon 18 Dec 2009 at 6:57 am

    I love you. Please never stop entertaining me with your misery.

  3. icecycle66on 18 Dec 2009 at 7:38 am

    I too wailed and cried at the first sight of these self-fulfilling “guides”.

    However, I did not think of the street lines analogy. If the lines were attached to my car it would be much less apparent that I was drunk out of my mind while speeding through school zones and church parking lots. It would be much easier on my money and my expired driver’s license if the cops weren’t able to pull me over for rapidly swerving in and out of lanes and ditches.

    As horrible as the laser scissor is, the lines on the car idea is pretty good; if only everyone else’s windshields matched the perspective of the lines attached to my car to ensure they saw what I saw. This is all becoming almost too perfetc.

  4. UltimateChaseon 18 Dec 2009 at 8:55 am

    Haha. These stupid scissors were part of a pitch I made to a few months ago. I’m pretty sure it was rejected because they try to set a tone of calm scientific superiority in their articles and you could tell my head was about to explode when I was writing about these fucking things. Also on the list: a refridgerator with internet access, a tape dispensor with 4 USB ports.

  5. Saraon 18 Dec 2009 at 9:00 am

    You know what, I think Listy is the younger more foul mouthed version of Andy Rooney. Just spending your time bitching about random things and people buy your book (by the way you should have a book deal).
    Of course listy knows how “new fangled things” work and doesn’t ramble quite as much.

    You are OUR generations Andy Rooney and I like it.

    I was getting tired of Andy Rooney anway…..and Garrison Keiller, both those coots can suck it.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 18 Dec 2009 at 9:15 am

    Andra – I love you more!

    Icecycle – Don’t steal my invention!

    Ultimate – Why would you bother with another website? I am all you need.

    Sara – I don’t know how to feel about being the new Andy Rooney, but you are right, WHERE IS MY BOOK DEAL? All these other lazy ass bloggers have them, what about me. What the fuck do they do? People submit photos of baby bunnies and now they have books and calendars? FUCK EVERYONE, I’M THE BEST EVER!

    It’s 9:17am and I already want to start drinking.

  7. SanFranon 18 Dec 2009 at 10:26 am

    So, I have to admit I like the laser guide on my compound miter saw – that comes in really, really handy especially when cutting mouldings and such..

    But scissors? Really? As you said listy, the ‘guide’ is attached to the problem – a shaky hand… but, the inventors of this are going to laugh all the way to the bank because nobody (except for you, of course) will ever think of that.

    I wonder if they make a pair big enough to go around my neck?

  8. Tony Jaguaron 18 Dec 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I dunno, I’ve got a laser pointer cock-ring, so I no longer have to lift the lid at home.

  9. Tommyon 18 Dec 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I use lasers to make physics measurements. Most other uses are …. the internet

  10. jasonon 19 Dec 2009 at 9:02 pm

    we CAN end hunger – the problem is that the warlords and corruption in the most malnourished countries dont allow implementing an adequate system of getting food to the shelves, and to their people.

  11. Jonathanon 21 Dec 2009 at 9:03 am

    Thanks for ruining my day with I’d never heard of that sugary sweet shitload of fuck until just now, and now I want to use those laser scissors to gouge my fucking eyes out.


    PS: Yes, you deserve a book deal.

  12. jaredon 23 Feb 2011 at 8:39 am

    how does this work ????