Feb 02 2010

Cirque du Soleil!

Published by at 3:00 am under I Don't Get It

cirque du soleil sucks

Fuck EVERYTHING and fuck EVERYONE!

OK, I needed to get that out of my system.

Under the best of circumstances I rarely feel whimsical. I hate precious whimsy and I hate effervescent French clowns who run around spewing their made-up jolly language all over wide-eyed suburbanites who happily pay $100 to sit on their fat asses in a tent and watch miniature Chinese slave girls throw each other around with their tiny doll-sized feet.

Did I say I rarely feel whimsical? I meant to say I NEVER feel whimsical. It’s this lack of whimsy that prevents me from pissing my Dockers with excitement when the gay Cirque du Soleil clowns pull some “dad” from the audience and suddenly Mr. Pretend Audience Guy can fly across the tent, powered only by the warmth of his heart. Is it possible to groan so hard that you pass out? And don’t give me any of this, “Why can’t you leave your troubles at the door and see the world through the eyes of a child?” First of all, this stupid tent has no doors, and secondly, prepare your balls for the kicking of a lifetime.

The second worst thing about Cirque du Soleil is the way they keep repackaging the exact same show over and over by simply throwing some new bullshit meaningless name like “Zeedoo” across the marquee. “Oh, Zeedoo is totally different than Pü. In Zeedoo the contortionists are tortured Chinese girls and in Pü they are tortured Romanian girls.”

So what’s the worst thing about Cirque du Soleil? They gave this fuck face a job. If that doesn’t suck the whimsy out of you, nothing will.

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37 comments so far

37 comments to “Cirque du Soleil!”

  1. rachelon 02 Feb 2010 at 6:06 am

    back with a muther-effin’ vengeance i see….

  2. Edon 02 Feb 2010 at 7:19 am

    Keepin’ it real.
    I knew I checked in for a reason.

  3. billmigukon 02 Feb 2010 at 8:24 am

    the chinese slave girls i wouldn’t mind so much (but that’s another topic)….but god do i hate those ridiculous highbrowed attempts at clown shenanigans…whatever happened to good old fashioned american clowns like bozo?…but seriously, bring on the chinese slave girls

  4. Lizon 02 Feb 2010 at 8:34 am

    May I recommend the movie Shakes the Clown? In it, alcoholic clowns suffering from withdrawal buy cocaine from bad-ass Rodeo Clowns so they can drive around town and beat the shit out of mimes. I think this may be the cure for your Cirque annoyance.

  5. Jeffon 02 Feb 2010 at 9:00 am

    Ah back to your cheerful self, glad to see it.

    Have you actually *been* to a Cirque show?

  6. You Just Made My List!on 02 Feb 2010 at 9:57 am

    Liz – Not only have I seen Shakes the Clown, I saw it in the theater when it came out. I have not seen it since though, maybe I need to NetFlix it.

    Jeff – Sadly yes I have seen 2 Cirque shows. I saw the original show when it first toured. It was the middle of summer, about 90 degrees outside and the air conditioning was broken. It was at least 100 degrees in that fucking tent. I also saw the water show in Vegas. Eh.

  7. Jacobon 02 Feb 2010 at 10:05 am

    I saw them in Vegas and they blew my fucking mind. Then I saw them in Atlanta and it was like a colorful piss-watered down version of itself with a bunch of gay music and dancing. It was more expensive too. Fuckin frenchies…

  8. Jeffon 02 Feb 2010 at 10:27 am

    BTW they’re Canadian, geniuses.

  9. icecycle66on 02 Feb 2010 at 10:28 am

    Childrens eyes suck. Why the hell would anybody want to see the world through the eyes of a motor skill deficient, comprehension studded, fool of a child?

    Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is like seeing the flacid whirly bird penis of your junior league basketball coach while you sit with him and two other boys in the back seat of “Coach Donahe’s” Geo Metro.

    WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT THAT?

  10. SanFranon 02 Feb 2010 at 10:53 am

    First order of business:

    Welcome back you fucking prick-bastard.

    Second order of business:

    Clowns are fucking freaky shit, and while I do honestly appreciate the talent of most of the Cirque-esque people, the clown costumes/makeup create such a distraction that the cost-of-admission soon becomes clearly overblown.

    Then, I spend the next two nights with these clowns traipsing around my dreamscape (and not in a good way).

    No, nothing ever happened to me as a child with a clown: they just suck. Except for Bozo – I actually knew the man who was the original Bozo – he was A-OK.

  11. Tommyon 02 Feb 2010 at 12:19 pm

    The real problem with these bastards (i have never seen the show) is the lack of horribly treated animals. why would i want to see a clown sans elephant?

  12. T.J.on 02 Feb 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Fuck EVERYTHING and fuck EVERYONE!

    I feel the same way,Listy!

  13. 8bitheroon 02 Feb 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Welcome back, douchebag.

    Keep up with the good hate.

  14. icecycle66on 02 Feb 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I love the abuse here. I makes me feel like I have a bedroom across the hall from my parents again.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 02 Feb 2010 at 1:55 pm

    They’re French Canadian? That’s even worse!

  16. Andraon 02 Feb 2010 at 4:16 pm

    It’s like you read my mind and make it funnier. I have never wanted to puke more than when I watch a commercial for Cirque de Crap. It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. Thank you for sharing my superior opinion about this matter. I am so glad you are back
    XOXOXO

  17. Kiddaon 03 Feb 2010 at 5:48 am

    Welcome back

    As for Cirque du soliel, I’m just very happy this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cirque_de_Celebrit%C3%A9 died a shitty death and wasn’t repeated

  18. Saraon 03 Feb 2010 at 7:17 am

    You know who REALY hates Cirque. The topless showgirls in Vegas. Used to be they were the headliners and that docker wearing dad could convince his wife that going to a performace was a must for the Vegas Show Experience. Now he’s forced to sit through this shit and try to imagine chines slave girls naked to get off. (billmiguk I’m looking at you)

    I remember when my Grandparents went to see Quidam and I had to explaine to them the definition of “whimsy”

  19. Jonathanon 03 Feb 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Regular circuses already suck donkey balls, and Cirque du Soleil sucks giant fucking shit-covered rotten rhinoceros anuses.

    I was dragged to Alegria when it came to NYC and I’ve never been so bored in my life. Some of the physical feats were impressive, but A) everything was in fucking French, and B) I HATE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!

  20. jasonon 03 Feb 2010 at 4:32 pm

    ha! he’s back!

    yea, cirque de Soleil? how tres gay.

    but little chinese girls with cute little doll feet? now thats hot!

  21. AlexandraJadeon 03 Feb 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Welcome back listman.
    x

  22. munchieson 03 Feb 2010 at 7:10 pm

    First, welcome back!

    Second, fuck Cirque de Soilel! I saw Ka in Vegas (was given free tickets) and was alternately confused and terrified for the entire show. The story was impossible to follow, watching people hop around hook to cords is only interesting for about 3 minutes, AND I had an aisle seat, so for about 90% of the show I had multiple wood nymphs’ asses in my face as they perched on the railing directly next to my head.

    There is a clown version? Fuck that twice. I boycott circuses for so many reasons, clowns top that list. Nothing bothers me more than people in costume. Clowns, mascots, Chuck E fucking Cheese….

    There is also a porn version of Cirque de Soleil – Zumanity I think is what it’s called. Nothing surprises me anymore.

  23. Yubberson 04 Feb 2010 at 6:48 am

    Yay~! 🙂

  24. Anneon 04 Feb 2010 at 9:20 am

    Fuck yeah, Listy’s back!!!

    Fuck those tiny feet and the tiny-faced clowns!

    Mwah, welcome back, mwah, we missed you, mwah, mwah, SMOOOCH!!!

  25. Paul in Saint Paulon 05 Feb 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I also saw Shakes, The Clown in the theater when it came out, possibly opening night. LaWanda Page was brilliant as the barfly clown with the filthy mouth.

  26. Neishon 12 Feb 2010 at 6:40 pm

    You’re doing it all wrong, smoke a joint first and then wait for your mind to be BLOWN. Cirque du Soleil is awesome when you can just get lost in the pretty lights and freaky made up languages.

  27. AtheistPersonon 10 Sep 2010 at 10:25 pm

    The pic is from Saltimbanco. That show is pretty gay. Also the show Zumanity is literally homosexual. Literally. But most of their other shows are good. Quidam kicks ass. (These names aren’t all meaningless. Just because they aren’t in English doesn’t make them nonsense. Why force people to speak in English when they don’t?) Also Corteo is good(Italian, not nonsense). Saltimbanco is not good. At least in my mind. Fucking childish. But they are all different. Kooza is also good. You will piss yourself during the wheel of death 0_o. Don’t judge all of them on just one. If you see more and don’t like them, whatever. Just don’t judge all of something after only seeing one.

  28. You Just Made My List!on 11 Sep 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Atheist – I’ve seen 3, maybe 4, Cirque shows and I had enough.

  29. B Scotton 01 Feb 2011 at 4:10 pm

    The only way to make Cirque du Soleil worse is to add Celine Dion as one of the performers.

  30. Hooda Mannon 28 Jun 2011 at 12:22 am

    As I Canadian, I loathe these lame art-fags even more so than Americans, Brits, etc. They DON’T represent our country as some lame art form, funded by government grants, blah blah blah. Crap is crap, I don’t care which country it originates from. Not only that, they have clowns and clowns suck!

  31. Johnon 11 Aug 2011 at 3:13 pm

    As another Canadian I am proud of a troupe that has elevated Circus from the days of mistreated and abused animals. The physical prowess demonstrated by the athletes involved in their shows can be nothing short of amazing. I agree that the shows can be uneven and that the prices are high but so would traditional circus ticket prices with today’s much higher production costs.

  32. You Just Made My List!on 12 Aug 2011 at 8:07 am

    John – I prefer mistreated animals over mistreated me in the audience praying for death as some turd pours confetti all over me.

  33. Yeahon 12 Aug 2012 at 9:02 am

    I enjoy Cirque. to each his own, I guess

  34. richardon 17 Sep 2012 at 1:30 am

    i hate cirque du soleil and that is how i found this
    site. they are a big part why contemporary las
    vegas is horrible and why are culture today is
    degenerate . people basically are mindless and
    that is why cirque du soleil is successful . how
    can so many people be fooled by their lame
    re-packaging of their shows ?

  35. Uncle Charlieon 22 Dec 2012 at 12:04 am

    Saw “Saltambanco” tonight with the wife and in-laws.
    As a Montrealer, and a Canadian, I am ashamed of the fact that this mindless shite exists. Agreed with all the snarky and accurate comments above. Furthermore the performers have this irritating need to coax the crowd into cheering. Phack you, I’ll clap when you earn it. What a waste of money. And the crowd: oh my gawd! Grown men, clapping giddily and laughing out loud like schoolgirls at the whimsical and borderline tasteless attempts at humour. I bet these losers were banging their pots and pans all summer, suring the student protests at we endured. Ridiculous.
    Sadly, the Quebecois are proud of this gypsy/carnival rubbish, and while Montreal has lost most of the banks and insurance head offices that once drove our economy and made us important, popular quebecois wisom has it that we should focus on being a city of festivals and circuses. What a steaming load of crap.

  36. Melaniaon 08 Jan 2013 at 4:01 am

    I performed in a Cirque show in Vegas and it was a hideous experience. I’m Canadian from BC and I have to say I simply can’t stand the french canadians. The horrible way they sing with this guttural throaty crap like they have a napkin stuck in their throats, a violin playing over every song like a cat being smothered. Since when is a violin played over a rock song? And they call this art? The music was gibberish. Not one musician was American. Their make-up is hideous, unattractive and gave me nightmares for months. Worst of all, I’ve lived in Vegas for 20 years and watched as Cirque slowly ate up all the jobs for American dancers, singers and showgirls by casting horrible musicians, singers and dancers from other countries. Worst experience of my career. Please go back to Quebec Cirque! And take your pretentious Cirque lyrics, story-lines and crappy french Canadian attitudes with you. You suck!! Please, powers that be in Vegas. Would you please get rid of this crap and make them go back to what ever disastrous hell they came from?

  37. Ahksehl83on 01 Jul 2013 at 10:30 am

    Wow, I saw an article on a recent death at a cirque du shit-tay show and I was looking for a page to post: ” BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !” So I googled “CDS sucks” and I found this page. My only beef with you is that you did not make your case strong enough. This is real crap, pure crap covered with a crust of colorful paint. Even those colors are nauseatingly “whimsical”. I think this sort of crap is for people that have secretly given up inside. They are looking for someone to coddle them and treat them like children , to speak to them in childish language and lilting tones. The ywant to live with grandma all the time. Those of us that are still sane know that grandma was only putting on a show that she could only keep up for so long, and when fatigue set in, the mask slipped and the cruelty underneath came forth without all the sugary sweet coddling. Yes, when grandma has had enough she threatens to cut your shmekee off, at least mine did. The confusion then is that one was encouraged to be a certain way and then one is terrorized for being that way. It is a set up, and it is a very feminine way of operating. Coddling a person is in fact the worst form of cruelty. A real man does not tolerate his mother or motherinlaw talking to his children like they are idiots. This whole circle of shit-tay is one big set up. It is so freakishly similar to dumbing sown people before they are slaughtered. Those who wax on endlessly about what they saw at CDS should be recorded, so they can then listen to how awestruck they were at absolutely NOTHING! It is just the terribly annoying mummenschanz with colors and acrobatics added.