Feb 23 2010

The EZ Cracker egg cracker!

Published by at 3:10 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

EZ Cracker egg cracker

Are you tired of cracking eggs in your mouth and eyes? Are you sick of cracking eggs with a shovel? Do the simplest tasks cause you great anxiety because you are such a fucking moron? Not anymore. Introducing the EZ Cracker egg cracking robot!

I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to crack an egg by chucking it against the wall, only to be disappointed by an omelette filled with dangerous shells. For a brief period in the early 1990s I would crack most of my eggs by running them over with a rented Home Depot truck but even THAT didn’t work. At least it gave me a good excuse to enjoy the many grunge radio stations programmed into the truck’s radio. I would wake up around noon, brush my long hair, tie a flannel shirt around my waist and mosh my way to the driveway for another attempt at making a delicious ham and cheese omelette.

To add insult to injury, I would be forced to listen to Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell scream “I’m going hungry” while attempting to crack open eggs in my rented pickup. If only the fucking EZ Cracker existed in 1992!

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “The EZ Cracker egg cracker!”

  1. UltimateChaseon 23 Feb 2010 at 5:38 am

    “…and we’ve all done this!”

    I have never attempted to open an egg by holding it in my fist and bashing it right on the middle part of my countertop. Who would do that? Also, it’s wonderful that this thing assists so much in making meringue for pies, but if you can’t master cracking an egg without the entire egg somehow going under the pan you were trying to cook it in, you’re probably going to fuck up every other part of making a pie even if you buy a special egg robot. Pies don’t really fuck around, you have to like mix several ingredients and shape dough and stuff. You can’t do those things if your approach to cooking is to put on a blindfold, clumsily balance the ingredients in your retard claws and then start hitting them with a fork and hope it turns out okay.

  2. Peteon 23 Feb 2010 at 7:40 am

    Ah…Temple of the Dog. Good tune. Only thing that might make it better would be a washboard.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 23 Feb 2010 at 8:53 am

    Ultimate – What, you don’t crack open eggs by SLAMMING it on the counter? I can’t think of a single other way to do it.

    Pete – Let’s not forget that Soundgarden once employed a fucking SPOON PLAYER for that ridiculous Spoon Man song. I like Soundgarden but that song is more Spinal Tap than any Spinal Tap song.

  4. Jonathanon 23 Feb 2010 at 11:34 am

    “You can’t do those things if your approach to cooking is to put on a blindfold, clumsily balance the ingredients in your retard claws and then start hitting them with a fork and hope it turns out okay.” Priceless!

    The Chinese peasants making this thing must be laughing at how lazy we Americans have become.


  5. Tommyon 23 Feb 2010 at 1:48 pm

    double brilliant today and yesterday. way to channel that frustration in to a pending book deal

  6. SanFranon 23 Feb 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Are eggs hard to crack? that would be ‘no’… I’m a one-hand egg cracker through-and-through, and any implement to help with the most mundane, easy kitchen tasks is a waste of time and money.

    Like for example those fancy wine bottle openers – the only one worth using is the same one bartenders and waitstaff use…

    I’d like to also mention that I have opened a bottle of wine with my own willpower before. It was awesome, too bad nobody was there to see it, or share the bottle.

  7. CDBon 23 Feb 2010 at 5:44 pm

    BUT it comes with a bacon holder cookerer!!1!

  8. You Just Made My List!on 23 Feb 2010 at 5:50 pm

    CDB – This is a good point. I forgot to mention that the Bacon Wave is awesome. The EZ Cracker isn’t worthy of holding the Bacon Wave’s dick!

  9. Anneon 23 Feb 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Honestly anything having to do with making bacon faster/easier to cook is awesome.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 23 Feb 2010 at 6:38 pm

    Anne – The only problem is that it makes bacon less greasy, and that’s NOT a good thing. It all depends on the bacon mood you find yourself in at the time. Thank you, that is all.

  11. icecycle66on 23 Feb 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Work just made my list…again!

    I can’t get accress to your website at work anymore. The United States Government and the U.S. Army HATES this site. I get a big red screen that says NO! when i try to access youjustmademylist.com from work. That is bullshit.

    I used to spend the boring red tape days scrolling through the archives and reading through old comments. But not any-fucking-more.

    It’s damn bullshit man.

  12. jasonon 23 Feb 2010 at 9:52 pm

    just great – with that device in the house, the insane girlfriend can be cracking more than eggs…i’ll be sleeping with one eye open nowadays – and always wearing a cup.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 23 Feb 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Icecycle – Really? Do you work for the government for real?

  14. eddkatzon 23 Aug 2010 at 8:22 pm

    If it had some kind of salmonella tester built into the handle it would detected the vile disease that turned my bowels into the high power toilet bowl hose.

    It would have saved water, toilet paper, laundry soap-yes I had to wash my soiled underwear and my time.

    I spent more time in the BR that reading my favorite web site. YMML.

    Fucked up chickens.

  15. I hate scrambled eggs!on 20 Jan 2011 at 3:43 am

    […] to be omelette but spell check is making fun of me for that choice. That’s how I spelled it here but suddenly it’s not good enough for my spell check. Even my computer hates whipped […]