Feb 24 2010

Onion rings!

Published by at 3:19 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

onion rings

Yeah that’s right, I said onion rings! Bring it on motherfuckers!

I’m really getting tired of these asshole onion rings walking around like they are God’s gift to fast food. We have all been bamboozled by these greasy jerks for too long and it’s time someone took a stand! This is your cue to use that annoying voice of yours to quietly say to the computer, “Who do you think you are? I like onion rings.” Do you ever listen to yourself? Let me tell you something, you THINK you like onion rings. You don’t.

First of all, what makes these jerks so expensive? When did onions become the Cristal Champagne of vegetables? It’s not even a vegetable, what the hell is it? Why is a giant basket of french fries half the price of these six pathetic pieces of crap you just brought me?

Secondly, It would be nice to bite into an onion ring without hot air shooting into my mouth. I feel like I’m giving a jet engine a blowjob. I’m hungry now, onion rings, I don’t want to wait two hours to eat you.

And another thing, it sure is nice to have that slimy onion booger flop out of the batter on the first bite leaving me looking like an idiot holding my empty ring. Nice teamwork onion.

Before you start pissing your panties with anger, consider this… battered and fried onions DO taste awesome BUT the ring format must be put to rest. I suggest we all switch to onion CHIPS!

I am right, I know everything.

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Onion rings!”

  1. Saraon 24 Feb 2010 at 7:18 am

    Agreed. I used to like onion rings when I was a child and stupid and my parents paid the $6 for 4 fucking rings. And worse then the onion falling out is the “onion ring” (note so called quotations) that is just a fried ring flavored with onion powder. Burger King I’m looking at you!

    How do you feel about a blooming onion the size of your head? http://www.grillguru.dk/forum/userpix/48_blooming_onion_1.jpg

  2. billmigukon 24 Feb 2010 at 7:56 am

    food with holes that is too scratchy to copulate with pisses me off…you’re no doughnut, onion ring!

  3. UltimateChaseon 24 Feb 2010 at 8:25 am

    Man I have never understood onion rings. It is impossible to bite one without pulling the entire onion out. I’d rather just buy the rings of fried batter without the onion in them and save myself the frustration. Except that’s dumb so I usually order a better crunchy appetizer like calamari or whatever. God, this really needed to be addressed. Thank you. I’m going to send a link to this to my mom and be all like, “See mom! You see? You are WRONG. The internet agrees with me. Umm…by the way. I’m kind of broke. Could you help me out a little? I love you.”

  4. joeon 24 Feb 2010 at 9:24 am

    yea they’re delicious on cheeseburgers with bbq sauce.

  5. kenon 24 Feb 2010 at 10:18 am

    Listy, you are clearly eating substandard o-rings. Get yerself to Portillo’s stat and get an order of their rings, the best in the land. They rarely flop out of their casings (the key on any ring is quick bites) and have a superior crispiness than most rings. The Burger King ones are weak.

    You’ll change yer mind.

  6. Perryon 24 Feb 2010 at 10:40 am

    Right on, Listy.

    I gave up on onion rings a loooong time ago.

  7. Shayon 24 Feb 2010 at 10:49 am

    Welcome back listy! This is the best post in a while. I needed that!

    Onion rings smell bad.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 24 Feb 2010 at 11:07 am

    Ken – I actually might be going to Portillo’s today. I will report back if I go.

  9. Whaton 24 Feb 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Are you kidding me? Onion Rings? They’re amazing… Your next entry should be “Assholes like me that hate Onion Rings”. This has been by far the worst entry of your entire blog!

  10. Pegsteron 24 Feb 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Listy, once again you prove your superior intelligence and exquisite taste. Onion rings are crap. Long live the onion chip.

    BTW — if you’re feeling like something deep fried that doesn’t contain an onion, come visit us here in the south — we’ll deep fry anything! (Be warned, deep-fried Oreos have been known to become habit-forming!)

  11. SanFranon 24 Feb 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Onion rings aren’t even worth the time to flush them down the toilet – because that’s exactly what happens should I eat one – I simply borrow them for a few minutes.

    Not being a fan of fried food in general, and not being able to digest onions at all, this is pretty much the worst possible food-type item I could eat.

    The only possible way to make it worse would be to dip it in mustard and chase it with a pickle and a bud lite.

  12. Jodion 24 Feb 2010 at 7:49 pm

    I was outraged when I read the title of this post, because I love, love, love the deep-fried onions in rings. But, then you swayed me with your argument. They just made MY list, too.

    Glad to see you back. BIG fan of your rants.

  13. UltimateChaseon 24 Feb 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Whoa, after SanFran’s comment I actually want onion rings. Talk about a dude with big floppy woman tits. Onions rule. Fried foods are awesome. Mustard is a totally excellent comment. I would chase ANYTHING with a pickle and…well, okay bud lite is a pretty crappy beer but there is nothing wrong with drinking a watery domestic beer and eating fried foods and pickles and mustard. That is the food that defines me. That is the food that defines this great nation. America is a lot like pickles and mustard and bud lite. America is like these things because they are AWESOME. I am sorry about your digestive issues and the fact that you have breasts like a woman.

  14. UltimateChaseon 24 Feb 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Fuck I just said “comment” instead of “condiment.” Also, if you are actually a woman, please ignore what I said. Sort of.

  15. Candyon 25 Feb 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Hi Listy. I need to thank you. As I was reading your anti-onion ring diatribe, I started to get really pissed off. I thought I loved onion rings, but then I thought more about it. I HATE Funyons, so it can’t be the O-shaped onion-ness that keeps me ordering them. Then I came to the sudden realization that I what I *thought* was a love of onion rings was really a love for ketchup mixed with Tabasco sauce because that’s what I usually douse them in….So, THANKS!

    [Some diners DO have onion chips, but they’re sometimes on the menu as “onion petals” — makes ’em fancy-like]

  16. You Just Made My List!on 25 Feb 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Jodi and Candy – See, I told you that you only think you like onion rings. It’s the biggest scam the world has seen. I was thinking about my hatred for onion rings yesterday (yes, I really do obsess over these things) and I realized people always act like ordering onion rings is a special occasion. Everyone sits around the table saying “Should we get onion rings? Should we? Why not, let’s do it!” They act like they are splurging on a new flat screen TV or something. Fuck you onion rings!

  17. SanFranon 26 Feb 2010 at 8:15 am

    UltimateChase:

    Here is a list of why you suck:

    1) you suck
    2) see #1

    I don’t have floppy titties, just massive pulsating pectorals from not eating crappy “food”. As covered in previous rants on this site, if there is one substance I could eradicate from this planet of ours, it’s Mustard (the condiment, not the seed). Maybe it’s the vinegar – hence why I don’t like pickles, either.

    But, you don’t care, you’ve never cared. You don’t love me long time.

    Now, suck the snot of my knob, you sleazy bitch.

  18. neilon 25 May 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I love onion rings, they’re so good with ketchup. Why are they so expensive though?