Mar 12 2010

Living mannequins!

Published by at 3:41 am under I Don't Get It

living mannequins

Hey great, you found a way to make creepy mannequins even more nightmarish!

Maybe it’s because I accidentally said “excuse me” to a mannequin once, or maybe it’s because female mannequins with erect nipples honestly turn me on a little, I don’t know but I just sort of feel animosity towards them. They stand there judging you with their perfect bodies and handless wrists, convincing you to buy shit at Old Navy that you don’t even like. They suck you in with their spell and make you ponder unthinkable things like, “maybe those Dockers would look good on me.”

Mannequins are assholes, but living mannequins are the poo that squeezes out of that asshole. I feel dumb enough at the mall without some vapid, shiny model giving me the stink-eye while I check out the crotch of their jeans. I’m sorry, I just need to see if it’s a zipper or a button fly. I can’t help it if you happen to be wearing those jeans as I slowly run my pizza-covered hands up the inner thigh of the Levi’s I may or may not purchase. Who told you to be a fucking mannequin for a living?

The word mannequin, when broken down to its Latin roots, literally translates to.. how the fuck do I know what it means? I just know it doesn’t mean 19-year-old-dumb-model-standing-there-making-me-feel-uncomfortable-while-I’m-staring-at-her-nipples.

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11 comments so far

11 comments to “Living mannequins!”

  1. kenon 12 Mar 2010 at 6:38 am

    You’re thoughts on the 1987 Kim Cattrall/Andrew McCarthy vehicle: Listy?

  2. kenon 12 Mar 2010 at 6:38 am

    That was meant to be YOUR thoughts, d’oh!

  3. Peteon 12 Mar 2010 at 6:59 am

    This is one of your best.

  4. Jeffon 12 Mar 2010 at 8:15 am

    Oh Ken… you just made MY list!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 12 Mar 2010 at 8:33 am

    Ken – Believe it or not I have not seen Mannequin. Andrew McCarthy makes me feel physically ill. Honestly, his face makes me sick. Also, I’m already attracted to mannequins and fear this movie might give me hope that one day some sexy mannequin will turn into a real woman.

    Pete – Thanks, I am great.

  6. Tommyon 12 Mar 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Well lister, not bad let’s just say it should be ok to fondle these mannequins like any other.

  7. Paul in Saint Paulon 12 Mar 2010 at 8:18 pm

    I would think your insatiable sexual cravings for mannequins would make you more empathetic to the Japanese men who marry their lady-pillows.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 12 Mar 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Paul – How dare you compare a beautiful mannequin to some stupid pillow. I shall await your apology.

  9. Alessaon 13 Mar 2010 at 4:08 pm

    I wonder how these people get into this line of work? And why on earth would they agree to do it? This seems like it’d be boring as shit, just sitting in the store all day.

  10. UltimateChaseon 13 Mar 2010 at 6:05 pm

    My mom left me alone in a department store once when I was like nine. She just went to try on some shoes or something. I was standing there staring at this mannequin’s nipple for like ten minutes before I got up the courage to touch it. As soon as I put my hand on that plastic tit my mom walked around the corner and saw me. She didn’t say anything, but I know she saw me feeling up that mannequin and it was so God damn embarrassing.

  11. Christineon 15 Mar 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Is that a photo from “Make Me a Supermodel” or (referring to the model in the corner left) is that just one of the models from the show? Either way, good to know that you have as great of taste in TV as I do.