Apr 14 2010

Kidical Mass!

Published by at 3:30 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

kidical mass

I share my toys and I also share signs my parents make me hold.

I’m writing this on my brand new computer! When a friend brought “Kidical Mass” to my attention this morning I was so filled with rage I literally ate my old computer. Yeah, I ATE a 27″ iMac!

I realize I just wrote about bike hipsters a couple days ago and have already taken a shit on “Critical Mass” but this is child abuse and it must be stopped. These poor kids are being turned into bearded hipsters and Bon Iver fans without their knowledge. It reminds me of the children of KKK members. Yeah, that’s right, Kidical Mass is exactly the same as the Ku Klux Klan!

Apparently this nonsense is designed to raise awareness about bike safety or something. Here’s an idea, keep your kids OUT OF THE ROAD! The road is for cars, not toddlers with poopies in their pants, struggling to stay upright on a SpongeBob bike. The last thing I need is some mini-hipster scratching my SUV when I’m trying to watch YouTube on my iPhone while driving.

Here’s the deal… If this is just supposed to be some fun family activity don’t name it after such a jackass event. Call it “Family Fun Bike Time Festival of Fun and Bikes!” Everyone (yes EVERYONE) hates Critical Mass except the hipster douchebags who participate in it, so associating your kid with such a bunch of misguided bullshit is lame. Just stay home and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel* as a family.

I will sit back and await my Nobel Peace Prize.

*For the record, I love Neutral Milk Hotel

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23 comments so far

23 comments to “Kidical Mass!”

  1. Adion 14 Apr 2010 at 3:52 am

    I agree, fuck people on the road who aren’t in automobiles. The problem is that we aren’t letting evolution weed out the dumbasses. If little jenny or jimmy don’t know to get the hell out of the way when a ton and a half of steel is coming towards them, then they don’t get to have kids of their own.

  2. Jim Joneson 14 Apr 2010 at 5:11 am

    Just look at the kid’s eyes! They are all dumbfounded and are kinda like, “what the fuck are we doing here and what the hell is in this turd sandwich?”

  3. billmigukon 14 Apr 2010 at 7:43 am

    At last…someone has finally brought the KKK/cycling enthusiast conspiracy to America’s attention. Why don’t the feds see Critical Mass (of turds) for what it really is…a vast network of hipster militias hell-bent on turning our beautiful asphalt wonderlands into community gardens for growing hemp. These two-wheeled assholes can have my planet-killing F-150 when they pry the steering wheel from my cold dead hands.

  4. utter_scoundrelon 14 Apr 2010 at 8:47 am

    I’m a cyclist and even I fucking hate Critical Mass…

  5. Saraon 14 Apr 2010 at 9:59 am

    don’t whore your kids. I put this on the same level as the religious freaks who make 5 year olds hold signs at funerals that say “GOD HATES FAGGOTS”

    Actualy maybe I’ll put a sandwich board on my kid that says “GOD HATE CRITICAL MASS” that would be acceptable

  6. 8bitheroon 14 Apr 2010 at 10:28 am

    Just like hatred and religion, hippies will brainwash their children.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me I must go watch Glen Beck and see what I need to be outraged about this week.

  7. SanFranon 14 Apr 2010 at 10:37 am

    utter_scoundrel: I’m with you there…

    I’ve never heard of this kidical mass bull-fuckin’-shit, but I’ll tell you this – in the six sips of my fantastic Peet’s coffee (we actually have five pounds of the stuff in the freezer) that it took to read your Nobel Peace Prize Nominated Post, I have decided how I feel about it…

    I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

    It immediately reminded me, after seeing the photo, of exactly what Sara referenced – the Phelps brand of Baptists that travel around with signs such as ‘God hates Faggots / Jews / Obama / You’. They were here in San Francisco a few months ago, and were greeted by a small mob of sign-toting San Franciscans (http://laughingsquid.com/san-franciscos-answer-to-westboro-baptist-church/), some of whom might actually have been hipsters, but I digress…

    It also reminded me of some ex-friends (they took this completely obtuse path after getting married). They decided to raise their daughter VEGAN, despite not being Vegan themselves… Hell, they told us this while standing in the kitchen gorging themselves on chicken wings, while their then 6mo old daughter was drinking some special formula that derived from Soy and who-knows-what. I’m sorry: Vegan is not a decision you make for someone, let alone someone who can’t make decisions yet.

    Anyhow – I’m rambling – but bottom line, making your kids into a statement is most un-cool. Feel free to bring ’em along – and let them experience biking or whatever activity it is (within reason, of course) and grow with it on their own terms.

    In other news: I was behind a Pious.. er, Prius last night, with the license plate STOP (indicated by a symbol of a palm – you can have symbols on your plates here in CA) GBL WRM. That’s right, Stop Global Warming. Now, the asshat was jack-rabbit starting from every light, flooring his little hybrid up the hills, and then.. then.. HE THREW A BUTT OUT THE WINDOW. I just about got out of the car to beat his ass and take his keys and stuff them up his ass with my shoe. People suck sometimes.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 14 Apr 2010 at 10:42 am

    SanFran – I’m not kidding when I say that my heart rate started to climb while reading about the Global Warming Mobile. What a fuck.

  9. icecycle66on 14 Apr 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Sharing is an excuse for greedy people to take what you have.

  10. Tommyon 14 Apr 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Fuck kids and their bullshit, bunch of idiots

  11. FFAFon 14 Apr 2010 at 1:33 pm

    This is pure genius, and why I take time out of my day to read this blog, despite my previous hatred for blogs prior to discovering this one a year and a half ago. Seriously hilarious sentence:

    “The last thing I need is some mini-hipster scratching my SUV when Iā€™m trying to watch YouTube on my iPhone while driving.”

  12. You Just Made My List!on 14 Apr 2010 at 2:16 pm

    FFAF – I am great.

  13. UltimateChaseon 14 Apr 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I needed a new computer and I found an awesome deal at Dell’s website. So I made myself forget about all the times I’d made fun of the type of people who would buy a computer from Dell and I purchased it. Last night I was up all night having a great time with my powerful, badass new machine. Today I spent almost the whole day trying to stop it from the endless cycle of ‘blue screen, crash, restart, blue screen’ that it was stuck in. I eventually solved the problem by unplugging it and putting it on the floor. A tech guy is supposed to come by tonight. Anyway, I hope you are enjoying your new computer! Jerk.

  14. SanFranon 14 Apr 2010 at 8:15 pm


    I have no sympathy for anyone who buys a machine loaded with Microsoft products, and then LO! Complains it doesn’t fucking work.

    It’s like putting your hand on a hot stove burner. You really should only do it once.

  15. Amanda Cateon 14 Apr 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Listy, do you really love Neutral Milk Hotel? I think I’m in love with you again.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 14 Apr 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Amanda – But of course. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is in my top 20 albums of all time. Maybe even top 10.

    Wait, when and why did you fall OUT of love with me?

  17. Stephon 15 Apr 2010 at 12:33 am

    Okay, I’m a bit pissed, Amanda. Listy does not belong to you. He is mine…ALL MINE. We DO IT in the back of cars. ALL THE TIME! I bought him a red rose at the 7-11!

    Thanks for the memories, my lovely.

    Love forever,


  18. SanFranon 15 Apr 2010 at 12:47 am

    I’m sorry, Listy can’t reply, because his mouth is full, so to speak.

    He’s my bitch tonight.

  19. Saraon 15 Apr 2010 at 8:09 am

    you can have symbols on your licences plates? How do you describe one to a cop? “It had a hand…and a star…and one of those squiggly marks that Hagar makes when he’s swearing…..”

  20. SanFranon 15 Apr 2010 at 10:41 am


    yes, that’s pretty much how it typically goes.

    Actually, it was the symbol that caught a hit-and-run motorist last year. This guy was out biking with his little boy, and got creamed by some chick in a white SUV, bystanders only saw a ‘heart’ symbol on her plate.

    They found her about a week later.

    The guy who got hit? Broken back – recovery unknown. His 4-year old? Un-injured, miraculously.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 15 Apr 2010 at 11:09 am

    Was the SUV OK? Please tell me the SUV wasn’t scratched!

  22. Amanda Cateon 15 Apr 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I had to force myself to fall out of love with you because of commenters like Steph. I don’t want to get e-beat up šŸ™

    I’m getting a NMH tattoo in a few weeks but tattoos kind of recently made your list in the hipster post so I probably shouldn’t tell you that!

  23. You Just Made My List!on 15 Apr 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Amanda – I don’t hate tattoos at all, I have a few myself. GO GET INKED!