May 03 2010

Cub Scout “Video Games” merit badges!

Published by at 3:13 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

Boy Scouts Vide Game merit badge

(world’s largest sigh followed by eye rolling so intense it causes vomiting)

Video games are fun, I get it. I practically got an erection on Christmas morning, 1983, when I saw a present under the tree that was the exact size of an Atari 2600. I hadn’t even unwrapped the thing yet and I was already pissing my Yoda jammies from excitement. But I’m sorry, it just seems wrong for the Cub Scouts to award kids for playing video games.

Maybe “wrong” is not the best way to describe it, “lame” is probably more appropriate. Cub Scouts should be all about tying knots, burning stuff in campfires and watching your dad build you a kickass Pinewood Derby car, because let’s face it, he’s more excited about building that car than you are. Say, that reminds me, did you know you can now buy pre-built Pinewood Derby cars that require no effort other than slapping a few stickers on it? Fuck that! Pinewood Derby was all about seeing whose dad was awesome and whose dad was no better than a little girl. Want to know which dads have a sweet set of tools and which dads secretly give handjobs in forest preserves… you need look no further than Pinewood Derby day. Pinewood Derby was a thinly veiled pissing match for the dads and it should stay that way.

Where was I? Oh yeah, video games. Um… I’m bored with that subject, I should have made this post about Pinewood Derby. Fuck everything!

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17 comments so far

17 comments to “Cub Scout “Video Games” merit badges!”

  1. Jeffon 03 May 2010 at 3:46 am

    heh – too true…

  2. Yours Trulyon 03 May 2010 at 7:46 am

    Listy, I give you the merit badge for starting a rant on one subject, only to switch gears halfway through to rant about something else, and finally returning to the original subject only to say “Fuck it, I’m done”.

    Not many people get awarded that badge. You’ll be the envy of all the other scouts in your scout group (what do they call a group of cub scouts, anyway? A platoon?)

    Fuck it, I’m done.

  3. Jim Joneson 03 May 2010 at 8:27 am

    Scouts use to be about building shit, burning shit and learning to tie shit up. Now it looks as if its turning into another social club for kids to learn how be lazy PUSSIES!!!

  4. Xinaon 03 May 2010 at 9:11 am

    A video game merit badge? Gee, I wonder how many of the scouts are fat? I’m gonna guess all of them.

  5. SanFranon 03 May 2010 at 12:11 pm

    I saw a Facebook status of a friend on Saturday that was basically: “just got back from Little Timmy’s (name protected) Scout troop trip to Fort Somethingorother (I forget which installation), where Little Timmy got to shoot a real M-16!”

    So, first of all – I dig guns – but for the fact they are precision-built machines, and target shooting is challenging. I hate guns because of how they are used – it’s complicated.

    But, if my 10 year old was brought to a military installation, and they let him shoot machine guns, I’d be a bit pissed.

    Can you say “baiting” for future soldiers?

    I’ve shot a machine gun, and would have loved to at that age, too – but there’s a line here, don’t you think? Am I just being a sensitive little bitch?

  6. Sea-Tacon 03 May 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I would like to see a Pinewood Derby race starting at the very top of a hill while Critical Mass was starting at the very bottom of the hill. In my dreams they meet in the middle in an explosion of wood splinters and ironic sneakers. Now granted there would be some collateral Cub Scout damage but the ends justify the means, dammit!!

  7. You Just Made My List!on 03 May 2010 at 3:52 pm

    SanFran – It’s pretty kickass but I must admit, if I was a parent and found out my kid was shooing machine guns at scouts I wouldn’t be excessively happy about it. It just does not seem safe to give a bunch a hyper kids M-16s. Still better than video games though!

  8. Adion 03 May 2010 at 4:24 pm

    SanFran they’ve already got them prancing about in uniforms and getting into all that “male bonding” woodsy shit,what was the next logical step? That said they should still have to actually do something physical to get a badge or whatever it is. I grew up playing DOOM, so i’m all for wanton violence, it just isn’t badge-worthy.

  9. Munchieson 03 May 2010 at 6:01 pm

    My seven year old’s friend swindled us into Hitler scouts -oops I mean cub scouts – this year. There has been no building, burning, or tying. My kid has, however, folded a paper airplane, glued some paper to a cardboard tube to wear as a neckercheif, and rubbed crisco onto a pine cone to use as a bird feeder.

    Thankfully baseball season has started and we’ve been too “busy” to attend any scout meetings for a few months.

  10. SanFranon 03 May 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Good point, Adi…

    I went to a few scout meetings, both cub and boy, and then decided I’d rather go to girl scout ‘meatings’.. JOKE…
    and the troop leader was a raging alcoholic who beat his son (who was in my class).

    I remember being completely weirded out about the scene, even at age 8 or whatever I was. My dad was an Eagle Scout, and he too was disgusted by what had become of it, and this was decades ago – I can only imagine how it goes now – although, maybe people’s hyper-vigilence against all-things-abusive, there’s been a clamp-down on dangerous leaders of kids groups of all kinds..

    So, instead of scouts, my family and friends would all go on camping/hiking/field trips, and trust me: we got into far more trouble with just about every tool known to man available to us at home… I’m lucky to be alive.

  11. icecycle66on 03 May 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I did it Listy. I followed your advice and quit my shit job that blocks out your website. I’m done with this shit. May last day is in two weeks and I figure the rest out later.

  12. icecycle66on 03 May 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Okay, i didn’t really quit because you said too, but it didn’t hurt.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 03 May 2010 at 6:55 pm

    I loved Cub Scouts but BOY Scouts SUCKED!

    Icecycle – Nice, good for you! What kind of an operation would block my brilliant opinions anyway?!? Did you work for the Taliban? Fuck working! Lay around the house all day eating extreme Doritos and watching porn.

  14. icecycle66on 03 May 2010 at 7:07 pm

    My dick turns orange when i eat doritos while watching porn. Then I have to scrub it so hard in the shower it aggrevates the chaffing rash.

  15. Jonathanon 03 May 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Seriously?? Why not add a “Sitting on the couch and eating fucking Pringles” merit badge while they’re at it?

    The only thing worse than this would be a parkour merit badge! Speaking of parkour, courtesy of the TV trades…

    This Thursday, MTV will launch two new extreme sports series as The Dudesons in America premieres at 10p followed by Ultimate Parkour Challenge at 1030p. The Dudesons in America follows four Finnish guys as they move to the US and attempt to take over America. Ultimate Parkour Challenge opens with a live one-hour episode following eight Parkour athletes from all over the world as they defy gravity and jump over barriers and obstacles such as the Queen Mary.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 03 May 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Jonathan – I’m killing myself Wednesday night at 11:59.

  17. Jayon 08 May 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Haha, so true! I always felt bad for the kid who had no help and colored his block of wood with markers and taped on the lead weights, there was one every year.