May 14 2010

The Miller Lite “Vortex” bottle!

Published by at 3:36 am under Why?!?

miller lite vortex bottle

The world is ending… wait for it… NOW!

Why can’t douchebags drink beer from a normal bottle? They just aren’t happy unless they are drinking their watery piss out of a plastic bottle, a metal bottle, a wide-mouth bottle, a bottle shaped like a bowling pin,* or a bottle shaped like Mike Ditka’s cock.

If only there was a way to suck down this shitty beer slightly faster. Introducing the “Vortex” bottle from the makers of your favorite diaper juice, Miller Lite. Apparently this NASA-designed bottle creates an internal tornado of beer blah blah blah that speeds up your drinking schedule, allowing for more rounds of Golden Tee and moderately gay horseplay with your bros. Seems like maybe they are admitting their “beer” tastes like water sitting in an old tire and the best way to get though the experience of drinking it is to get it over with quick, just like when your mom used to ram a spoonful of cough syrup down your throat.

You are probably wondering if this new technology actually works. Well, you are in luck! In the following clip, four of the smartest scientists on Earth gather to test the Vortex at the world famous Horseshoe Lounge labs in Geneva Switzerland. It might be difficult to follow everything they are saying but don’t feel bad, they are processing thought at an elevated level that you and I could never comprehend. These people are as smart as computers! It happens off camera but I think I recognize the voice of Korean Physicist Kim Ung-yong declaring, “The Vortex bottle is full of shit.”

*The Budweiser bowling pin bottle is actually the greatest thing to happen to beer. Too bad it was filled with Budweiser.

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26 comments so far

26 comments to “The Miller Lite “Vortex” bottle!”

  1. Tommyon 14 May 2010 at 10:40 am

    Ah yes, I collaborated with these fine gentlemen on a recent publication.

  2. Jim Joneson 14 May 2010 at 12:10 pm

    What bunch of stupid shit will they think of next?

  3. Jayon 14 May 2010 at 1:35 pm

    What’s sad is that the marketing gimmick will work and get people to drink more trying to test it out. The bar in the video is what I envision hell to be like, that’s no Cheers.

  4. Grandmaon 14 May 2010 at 1:35 pm

    How do you know the shape of Mike Ditka’s cock ??

  5. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Jay – No kidding, those two drunks are unbearably annoying and dumb.

    Grandma – Thanks for checking in from heaven.

  6. Ericaon 14 May 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Oh christ…this is insane! I’ll bet the dickhead who was holding the camera was wearing a visor while doing it!

    Oh and we have a god damn Golden Tee machine where I work (a HUGE software company in Redmond, WA….) and I have never seen a guy playing that wasn’t wearing a visor and a stupid Callaway golf shirt tucked into his stupid khaki shorts. Ok, sorry I just fucking hate visors!!!!!!!

  7. Ericaon 14 May 2010 at 4:32 pm

    OK sorry…just saw this pop up on Yahoo…if this fuckhead doesn’t make your list I will kill myself!

  8. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 4:33 pm

    What a nerd. (not you, him)

  9. Paul in Saint Paulon 14 May 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Lazy Listman and Jay: you have no patience for scientific inquiry and healthy debate on methods for testing a hypothesis. That video was more entertaining than any of the episodes of Cheers that I have sat through, and I would gladly get drunk with all three engineers behind this experiment. But I would not drink Miller Lite to do so.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Paul – I love drunks and barflies and I love dive bars but realistically, could you stomach that couple for more than 30 minutes? Although I have to admit I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the stoic inflection in the guy’s voice when he declares the Vortex bottle is full of shit. He’s right in more ways than one.

  11. Adion 14 May 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Would it be politically incorrect to notice that this seems to be taking place in the south? The way she says “millerrr laahht” makes me almost as ill as if i’d drank the bilge in the bottles.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Adi – I told you already… this is a state-of-the-art lab in Geneva.

  13. Paul in Saint Paulon 14 May 2010 at 7:05 pm

    I never said anything about the drunken meeting lasting more than 30 minutes.

    However, being drunk has gotten me through family weddings, birthdays, and funerals. I have little doubt that I could have a fine time with these barflies. Think of the next experiment they might come up with. And I’d love to hear how we could conduct it to meet any journal’s peer review process “without makin’ a mess.”

  14. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I like that she says “IT WORKED” followed immediately by “I think it’s about the same.”

  15. eddkatzon 16 May 2010 at 12:17 am

    Why not work on a bottle that I can open without grating/tearing apart the web between my thumb and forefinger?

    I’m old, weak and just want to drink beer out of a bottle!

    Rat Bastards.

  16. eddkatzon 16 May 2010 at 12:19 am

    Put the vortex on the outside neck of the bottle and market it for Porn Stars, like Tiger’s exes?

  17. DrunkIrishon 04 Jun 2010 at 2:29 pm

    First off, I 100% agree that this is just some bullshit gimmick. What I don’t agree with though is the bashing of people that have been drinking miller lite for a long time now, and grouping them in with ignorant actions, and homosexual activities.

    While miller lite wouldn’t be my first choice of beer if I were looking to enjoy the taste, it is the beer I would turn to if I were looking to drink to get drunk. No, it definitely does not have anywhere near the taste of “quality” beer, but it is very easy to drink enough of these beers to get you where you want to be.

    In closing, if I were to come home from a hard day’s work, and reach in the fridge for a few beers to relax, it wouldn’t be miller lite. I can enjoy and appreciate a good beer as much as the next beer snob, and still I say that miller lite has it’s purpose. To lump anyone drinking miller light into your ignorant, homosexual category you have created because you are upset about a new gimmick, makes you just as ignorant and homosexual. I am with you that it is a total gimmick, but there’s no reason to group anyone who drinks miller lite into this category.

    I myself, barely drink miller lite, and I still find this ridiculous even though I agree with you.

  18. You Just Made My List!on 04 Jun 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Dunkirish – Get over yourself. You realize that you are getting all pissed off over Miller Lite, right? Your comment is written with a serious tone most people reserve for important issues. It’s just a stupid website, get over it.

    It’s not my fault you drink gay beer.

  19. DrunkIrishon 05 Jun 2010 at 1:53 am

    Yeah, you are right, I did get a little carried away there.

  20. DrunkIrishon 05 Jun 2010 at 1:57 am

    It wasn’t that I was pissed off, just offering up the point that the beer doesn’t make the man. I did get carried away though.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jun 2010 at 1:10 pm

    DrunkIrish – You win the award for the first person that has EVER changed their mind on this site! I have received well over 5,000 comments on my bullshit and you are literally the first person who ever wrote back and changed their mind. I think you and I should share a Vortex and participate in moderately gay horseplay. I salute you!

  22. kevin jungon 19 Jun 2010 at 6:07 am

    I’m a bottle designer form south korea.
    new miller lite vortex bottle is similer to my design patent right.

  23. You Just Made My List!on 20 Jun 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Kevin – I’m mad at them too because when I was 13 I figured out you could empty a bottle really fast if you spin it first. Let’s sue them together!

  24. drunken ton 01 Jul 2010 at 2:43 am

    did you suck ditkas cock? Wow must have been a bad experience for you to relate it to miller lite.. id probaly hate miller 2 then But guess what i dont suck cocks like your therefore I LOVE MILLER!!!!!sooo suck my dick

  25. You Just Made My List!on 01 Jul 2010 at 8:01 am

    Drunken T – For a guy who claims to not like sucking cock you sure talk about it a lot. Hey you know what would be great for you, a Miller Lite bottle shaped like a big dick.

  26. Men who wear choker necklaces!on 21 Dec 2010 at 3:29 am

    […] your Microsoft Office issues by day and play in Puddle of Mudd cover bands by night. They drink Miller Vortex and they have strong opinions about Battlestar […]