May 19 2010


Published by at 3:13 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?


Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.

Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”

Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.

Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…

“jus ate sum soup”

“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”

“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”

“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”

See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.

Nap time!

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30 comments so far

30 comments to “Twoddler!”

  1. pigdooron 19 May 2010 at 4:12 am

    let me know when they come out with one for facebook. that would be SWEET!!

  2. 8bitheroon 19 May 2010 at 5:37 am

    We all need to be connected to each other 24/7/365.


    Because the people that invented the tech told us we do.

    I don’t use twitter or facebook or any other narcissistic “social media” tripe. There is absolutely nobody outside of maybe, MAYBE, my wife and kids that give a tiny rat’s ass what I had for breakfast or what I am doing right now.

    This whole thing is ridiculous. The people that use this stuff are hive-minded morons and the people that follow what other people are doing are just a slight bump on the head away from being drooling troglodytes.

  3. Amy Louiseon 19 May 2010 at 6:05 am


  4. pigdooron 19 May 2010 at 6:10 am

    8bithero, try some prozac

  5. Peteon 19 May 2010 at 7:21 am

    When my kids were babies I counted my blessings if I had the chance to be AWAY from them–even if it meant being at work. I trusted they were okay and didn’t need an update every three minutes. Humanity is doomed.

  6. billmigukon 19 May 2010 at 7:46 am

    I harbor a strong dislike for the use of social media like Facebook and (especially) Twitter. I don’t give a soft shit what you are doing, and I’m certain nobody cares that I just brushed my teeth, evacuated my bowels, killed a Lebanese tranny prostitute, etcetera.

    @ Pete….I agree completely. Sometimes I go to the garage and just stand there staring at the wall so I can have a few moments away from the screaming, pooping, runny noses, and fucking elmo furniture.

  7. Jim Joneson 19 May 2010 at 7:59 am

    I reiterate; IDIOCRACY. Funny movie but, fuck here we are!

  8. Saraon 19 May 2010 at 9:06 am

    My husband took up smoking again so he can stand on the porch alone.

    I enjoy famous people twitter. Jim Gaffighan tells jokes, Local H posts which album they played at each venue (I just saw them here we got “Hamfisted”) and Tom Hanks likes to take pictures of back lot shenanigans on his new film.

    I could care less about people I know, If you tweet what your doing all the time what do you talk about when you see people?

  9. pigdooron 19 May 2010 at 9:38 am

    posting your stupid opinions on here is pretty similar to facebook…bunch of douche bags.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 19 May 2010 at 9:51 am

    Pigdor is really on an emotional roller coaster this morning.

  11. Saraon 19 May 2010 at 9:55 am

    I’ve found a site to collectivly bitch about things and here we are bitching about ourselves. Its like a bitchy mirror…..I just made my list

  12. SanFranon 19 May 2010 at 10:04 am

    Twitter is for fools. Facebook is for fools like me. This Twoddler baby thing is for future fools. It reminds me of this dog collar a friend installed on his two dogs, which does much the same thing… Tells the world when they are sleeping, licking the site where their balls used to be, or sleeping. Fuck that shit.

    #billmiguk: “I just brushed my teeth, evacuated my bowels, killed a Lebanese tranny prostitute, etcetera.”

    Holy shit! This has been my morning thus far, too – save for the ‘etcetera’ part – haven’t gotten to that yet.

    #Pigdor: welcome to douchedom

    #Sara: a bitchy mirror. ha! | !ah . rorrim yhctib a :araS#

  13. Saraon 19 May 2010 at 10:47 am

    wait there’s a fucking DOG version of this?!?

    I can’t tell you how pissed I would be if my dog texted me “I’m eating dirty diapers out of the trash can and YOUR AT WORK! LOL!”

    well at least I’d be given a heads up to any face licking upon my return.

  14. pigdooron 19 May 2010 at 11:02 am


  15. SanFranon 19 May 2010 at 11:43 am

    #Sara: indeed. This is the on my friend bought – actually, he bought two of them, to be accurate.

    I would love to break in to his house, remove the collar, and do some odd shit, like go up on the roof and take a shit in the chimney, or maybe attach it to a spinning ceiling fan – and see how long it takes him to get home from work, only to find me there, drinking his beer, scratching my nuts on his new couch.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 19 May 2010 at 11:56 am

    If I was a dog and you tried to put that shit on me I would chomp your private parts.

    SanFran – I LOVE the ceiling fan idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Ericaon 19 May 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Ugh…I have two kids and this is just plain fucking stupid. I might as well just buy my 8-month old son a Blackberry and iPad to keep in his crib and keep me up to date on if he shit himself or not.

  18. You Just Made My List!on 19 May 2010 at 6:20 pm

    The world has truly gone mad. We are so doomed.

  19. SanFranon 19 May 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Erica: This is your child. I just shit myself. Send help.

  20. Ericaon 19 May 2010 at 10:11 pm

    SanFran…I am on my way!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  21. Rebeccaon 20 May 2010 at 10:55 am

    Jesus christ, I fucking love you. I can be having the worst day/week/month and then I read “Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself” and I know that I can go on living another day. I know before I even read any further that it’s going to be good and have me laughing maniacally over my coffee cup if you have to preface your critique by warning us of the potential suicide-inducing capabilities of the atrocity you are about to describe.

    I somehow missed this post yesterday and if I hadn’t, then yesterday might have been a little bit brighter than the shit-drizzle that it turned out to be.

    I need to somehow ensure that I never miss a post again; it’s like maintenance medication and if you miss a day, you may not die but you’ll certainly regret the oversight.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 20 May 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Rebecca – Thanks. I am incredible.

  23. Edon 20 May 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I swear, you are the greatest man alive.
    You hit 2 birds with one stone on this one. I am going to quote one of those Cassidy boys here and say, “I think I love you.”

  24. CreatureofHabiton 21 May 2010 at 7:24 am

    This post, in a nutshell, is why I love you.

  25. JulieJulieJulieon 21 May 2010 at 11:25 am

    I first thought, this had to be a joke, maybe this was one of those fake products/commercials they run on SNL. Not to be a doubting Thomas (okay a doubting Julie), I looked it up on the internet (sorry Listy, trust, then verify). Not only does this thing exist, it actually won an award:

    The first sign of the apocolypse was the proliferation of cell phones – and people talking, everywhere, anytime, on them. Then came facebook/myspace/twitter and now this. Maybe the Mayans knew what they were talking about with their end-of-the-world in 2012.

  26. You Just Made My List!on 21 May 2010 at 2:37 pm

    JulieJulieJulie – Yeah, can you believe that shit won an award?

  27. lisaon 05 Jun 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Another unbelievable, useless piece of crap flogged on the absentee parent, who probably works two jobs to pay off the gargantuan ever increasing balance incurred by buying every piece of techno crap the on their personalized titanium charge card, to lessen their guilt and convince themselves that they are good parents by remaining in touch with their obviously neglected toddler!!!! I weep for a future society that believes that family time is a conference call!
    PLEEEEEASE, do not think for a moment I am criticizing parents that HAVE to work! But those that choose to work so they can afford all the crap!!!!

  28. lisaon 05 Jun 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Finally place where I can vent my rage against idiocy in general in a healthy manner. If site remains up and running I may be able to give up my meds!!! bahahahha

  29. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jun 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Lisa – Welcome, I’m glad you found a home for your rage.

  30. lolaon 15 Sep 2010 at 9:35 pm

    I am so late posting Shoot I’ve been posting on topics from June! What a total goober! Again I state I have no children. This does seem a bit bazaar to me though I mean really. But you bet your booty They’re gonna sell by the thousands.