May 25 2010


Published by at 3:13 am under Why?!?

x-ray specs xray goggles glasses spex

Calm down nerds, I’m not talking about your glasses, I’m talking about the fact that for the first time in my life I need glasses.

I was always so proud of my perfect 20/20 vision and could often be found challenging people to read faraway signs. After they would give up and fail miserably I would arrogantly say “It says #1 Golden House of Chop Suey” and shake my finger at their weak, inferior eyes. Well, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA, joke’s on me this time because I, your hero, found out today that I need glasses. Now I’m going to be just like the rest of you pathetic four-eyed nerdlingers.

The thing that really pisses me off is that my right eye is perfectly fine but my left eye is a lazy cocksucker asshole. Way to go douchebag eye!

I’m pretty sure the blinding rage I felt while watching the Lost finale last night did, in fact, blind me.

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41 comments so far

41 comments to “Glasses!”

  1. Saraon 25 May 2010 at 7:24 am

    why not wear a cool patch over your right eye and force that lazy sumabitch lefty to work. Just wear a tuxedo all the time and people will think you’ve got that super villan thing going for you.

  2. Paul in Saint Paulon 25 May 2010 at 7:26 am

    There are always contacts to continue the illusion of perfect vision.

    I might stop the “faraway-sign-reading” challenges, though. Not because of your failing vision, but because such buffoonery makes you a cocky jackass.

    Stick to farting contests, where you will only improve with age and can strategize glorious victory with a dreadful diet.

  3. Peteon 25 May 2010 at 7:27 am

    You could get lasik surgery, but if you watch one of these procedures being done on YouTube you never will.

  4. pigdooron 25 May 2010 at 8:12 am

    why not get a monocle? that would be sweet!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 8:12 am

    I should point out that I don’t actually have a “lazy” eye, I just mean it was lazy because it is going blind and not pulling its weight. Just wanted to make that clear to all you sexy ladies. I’m still gorgeous.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 8:14 am

    Oh also… Eye patch and monocle are both splendid ideas. In fact, I happen to know you can get monocles here

  7. pigdooron 25 May 2010 at 8:46 am

    i did not know people actually used those things. i thought they only existed in bugz bunny cartoons.

  8. Jonathanon 25 May 2010 at 9:44 am

    Are monocles the new hipster trend? If so, I can’t wait to walk around Brooklyn ripping them off their stupid smug faces and throwing them into open sewer grates.

  9. Adion 25 May 2010 at 12:48 pm

    If you’re going to pull off a monocle you’ve got to look like a hard sumbitch, a hipster wearing one will just look like even more of a pud.

  10. Jayon 25 May 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Monocle! Do it!

  11. SanFranon 25 May 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Glasses are awesome, Listy. At the end of the day, when you’re watching reruns of The Golden Girls, you’ll see the amount of schmutz on them and be thankful all that shit isn’t in your eyes!

    Also, my glasses have enabled me to outlast just about everyone sitting around a campfire, because the heat doesn’t dry my eyes out, not to mention there are some seriously cool frames out there.

    I’ve been rockin’ the Project One frames for a few years now – spendy & titanium – but indestructible, while helping me achieve a certain eurotrash look.

    Alternatively, you could finally get some ironic hipster glasses that actually work, to go with your fixie and 3-sizes-too-small jeans.

  12. T.J.on 25 May 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Listy, I’m sorry that your vision has changed. But it’ll be OK. I got glasses ten years ago and at first I was nervous about how I’d feel with them and how people would react to them. It turned out alright. My friends liked them and they ended up growing on me to the point that contact lenses are out of the question. SanFran is right,glasses are cool and they have some awesome styles nowadays,it’s nearly impossible to find ugly ones. No worries!

  13. SanFranon 25 May 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Oh, also of possible interest, Listy – it’s pretty common to experience vision change after a traumatic or stressful event or period. I had to get three sets of lenses in just more than a year, as did my mom and sister, after a sudden death in the family left us struggling. Our sight got worse for a while, and then a few years later, actually changed for the better (slightly) and a less-strong prescription was required.

    Don’t forget your “dork cord” or Croakies to hold them on your fat head!

  14. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 3:20 pm

    CROAKIES, YES! I forgot about the amazing opportunity this will be to show off my beach lifestyle!

  15. Saraon 25 May 2010 at 3:34 pm

    If you go with the monocle remember to keep a highball in your hand for it to fall into when you become surprised or outraged…..your gonna need a large suply on hand, maybe check if they sell those things at Costco

    My bestfriend recently took me to get her first pair of glasses and began to cry as she tried them on because she thought she looked so nerdy….as I stood beside her wearing my glasses I’ve worn sense I was a teen…bitch

  16. SanFranon 25 May 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Sara: did you then commence to sucker-punch your “best friend” as she donned her new eyewear?

  17. Ericaon 25 May 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Yeah it S.U.C.K.S but at least now you can get some cool, hipster architect-type glasses and people will think you are soooo much smarter! You can go to elegant art openings with your glasses on now and NOT feel like the biggest douche in the room.

    In fact, I hasten to think you might make more friends because you will look so “trusting” with your specs…hey it worked for Clark Kent!!!

  18. Paul in Saint Paulon 25 May 2010 at 5:20 pm

    I love the idea of the monocle popping out with your face in the grips of outrage and disbelief, which must happen at least twice in every conversation.

    Sara, I wish you could’ve more sympathized with your friend – by agreeing that the glasses had completely ruined her looks. “These make your face look fat. Wow, I never noticed how bushy your eyebrows are until you put those on, just like weeds on a highway.” A comforting pat on the back would perfect the scene.

  19. Ericaon 25 May 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Oh and BTW, I work with a programmer who actually wears “lorgnettes” around his neck. He thinks he is the shit when he hold them up to see something….DICK HEAD! I swear I want to smash those fuckers but I think he paid like $1000 for them or something.

  20. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Erica – I’m going to need you to take a photo of this programmer twit so I can put him on my list EVERY DAY for the rest of my life!

  21. SanFranon 25 May 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Erica: I wonder how this programmer guy manages to hold on to his lorgnettes, the ragged Hustler he stole from his dad’s tool box as a teenager, and spank it at the same time.

    OK, so maybe I don’t really wonder about that, but whatever.

  22. Ericaon 25 May 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Yes, it is just horrifying!! And don’t get me started with the programmer who has a handlebar mustache that he WAXES INTO LITTLE FUCKING CURLY-Q’s!!!!!!!!!!!!! And is is probably about 32 years old, maybe younger.

    They are lucky I don’t carry a Derringer in my shoe!!!!!

  23. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Erica – FUCK! Where do you work? Do you take a magical flying time machine to this job? Do your coworkers sing through megaphones and wear full-body wool swimsuits too?

  24. Ericaon 25 May 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Some days I walk in and it is like being on the set of that fucking horrible Will Smith movie “Wild Wild West”! My team is OBSESSED with nostalgia…it is so weird considering I am managing a program that is working on a product called “Media Room”…totally leading edge stuff!

    Just say BING!!

  25. UltimateChaseon 25 May 2010 at 6:21 pm

    When I was sixteen I found out that while I don’t really need glasses, I can wear some to improve my vision slightly. I was totally pumped and I went out and got these glasses with hideous giant gold frames and enormous lenses. It actually did help my eyesight a little, but then the next weekend I lost them at a party. A couple years later I got my eyes tested again and got new glasses, but I only wore them for about three weeks before I lost them at a party again. I actually liked wearing glasses, but I really can see fine without them and it is impossible for me to not get drunk and lose them, so I don’t wear them. My girlfriend has a lazy eye. Normally it’s fine, but when she is really tired or she just woke up, sometimes one of her eyes wanders around. It’s hilarious. I tell her that I’m laughing because it’s cute, but honestly she just looks like a retard when it happens and I can’t stop laughing at her. I should feel bad, but there isn’t much that is funnier than seeing someone’s eye just wander away while they’re saying goodmorning to you.

  26. You Just Made My List!on 25 May 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Ultimate – That cracked me up. Some might say I LOL’ed.

  27. SanFranon 25 May 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Listy, UltimateChase:

    See, Lazy Eye is a gateway condition. What you think is “cute” now will become a turn-on, which will lead to Ocular Penetration.

    That’s right.

    Skull Fucking.

  28. Ericaon 25 May 2010 at 9:35 pm

    SanFran…wow, I just threw up on my dog….awesome! Have you tried the ocular penetration? Just curious as I am sure this is a niche sport…

  29. Amanda Cateon 25 May 2010 at 9:43 pm

    I had 20/20 vision for the longest time and then recently I found out I’m far-sighted in one eye and near-sighted in the other, so basically I am just retarded. But I guess that’s why I got all those terrible headaches and things were constantly blurry.. I was just trying to hold on to the 20/20 glory. Anything else just feels like a defeat.

    My eye docter lady said I could and probably should wear them all the time and whatnot but I only wear them now and then. I just don’t want other people knowing I’m not perfect all the time~*

    Oh and I loved the Lost finale please don’t hurt me. I guess ’cause I realized that after an entire season of no answers, they weren’t going to be able to cram them into the last 2 and a half hours. I let go of all my expectations and was left with a “Huh, okay!” feeling at the end.

  30. SanFranon 26 May 2010 at 12:35 am

    #Erica: I’m sure your dog promptly licked it all up, and then went and licked his/her ass, and then came back and kissed you – and no, I haven’t tried Ocular Penetration. At least, not yet. Keep an eye out for me though, OK? Thanks.

    #Amanda: Welcome to the club. I have the same thing going on, with a topping of astigmatism. No glasses = big headache. Does this mean I’m a retard, too?

  31. Amanda Cateon 26 May 2010 at 2:58 am

    Hmm, it depends but you know, it’s nice to know I’m not alone because when I told several people about my eye issues, the typical response was “haha, only you…” as if I was sideshow material.

    Psyched I don’t have astigmatism, though. You win for worst eyeballs!

  32. calebon 26 May 2010 at 8:46 am

    speaking of eyes –

    i once knew a girl who enjoyed having her eyeballs licked by her boyfriend during sex.

    i also recently learned that some bars are now offering “eye ball shots”, which is literally pouring booze into your eye sockets.

    the world is a beautiful place.

  33. You Just Made My List!on 26 May 2010 at 9:03 am

    Caleb – What? WHAT?

  34. JulieJulieJulieon 26 May 2010 at 11:49 am

    @Amanda – I’m in the same boat – I had cataract surgery (at 28 and yes, it sucked) and after that I have one eye far sighted and the other near sighted. And – I liked the Lost finale, too (did you read Doc Jensen’s take on it, it was good).

    Listy – even if you want to save money, you can get killer (or semi-killer) glasses even at the cheap-o eyeglass warehouse place. That way, if you get sick of the frames, you don’t feel guilty throwing away the $500 glasses for another pair.

  35. You Just Made My List!on 26 May 2010 at 11:54 am

    Julie – Yeah, I’m going the cheap frame route since I only need them for working on the computer and reading. I can barely read anyway. BUT you two will never convince me Lost was good… NEVER!

  36. Ericaon 26 May 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Listy – just get yourself some BluBlockers and be done with it! You would probably look hot in them…:) My hubby’s Nana has them and they are seriously cool.

    And I am talking the old school ones…not the new fangled “pseudo-cool” ones.

  37. You Just Made My List!on 26 May 2010 at 4:32 pm

    Erica – “My name is geek, I put ’em on as a shocker, man I love these blublockers!”

  38. calebon 26 May 2010 at 4:33 pm

    apparently it gets you drunk almost instantly –

  39. Amanda Cateon 26 May 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I’m constantly losing my glasses so I have a nice pair and then I buy back ups here… Super cheap and good quality. Thought you might be interested.

    And Listy, perhaps you’d like this ending better..

    Julie – Oh god, that sucks. The thought of any sort of eye surgery makes me feel nauseated. And I haven’t read it but I’ll look it up!

  40. You Just Made My List!on 26 May 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Amanda – That ending makes more sense than what I saw on Sunday.

  41. Jenaon 28 Aug 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I think everyone’s missing the best part about having glasses! Every time you encounter a dead body, you can snatch them off and say something snarky about catching the killer. YEAAAAHHHH!!!!