May 28 2010


Published by at 3:25 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

pepsi sucks ass

I have already written about what a hunk of ass shit the new Pepsi logo is but I feel it’s time to talk about the turd water contained within those ugly new cans. By the way, in the previous sentence I did not intend to write “ass shit” but I think it has a snappy ring to it, so it stays!

The official list of delicious colas is as follows:

#1 Coca-Cola – Some people call it Coke.
#2 Royal Crown Cola – RC is almost good enough to tie for 1st.
#3 Shitty generic colas – The kind you get after T-ball.
#4 Cola used in an enema procedure and then placed back in a can.
#5 Pepsi.

To be honest, a good root beer will kick the ass of a cola any day of the week, except pizza night… pizza needs cola like Ron Jeremy needs his mustache. Don’t give me this pizza and beer bullshit either. Yes, beer is awesome and yes pizza is awesome BUT pizza needs to be washed down with a freezing Coke or an RC. It’s science but you wouldn’t understand.

If I’m presented with the classic “Is Pepsi OK” question after ordering a Coke, I simply look the server in the eye and cordially say “Nope, I’ll stick with the original plan where I drink the world’s most famous soft drink that you clearly must have in your fine eatery. Now be gone with you and go get me that delicious Coke as per my original request.”

Fuck Pepsi.

Be Sociable, Share!

35 comments so far

35 comments to “Pepsi!”

  1. SanFranon 28 May 2010 at 4:06 am

    I’d rather have my mouth fucked by a steaming piece of dog shit, doused in cat piss, served atop a soiled depends from a bariatric geriatric on a pureed diet of almond extract and roadkill then drink soda of any kind.

    Disgusting. all of it.

  2. Yours Trulyon 28 May 2010 at 6:42 am

    I’ll stick with Sprite. 7up can kiss my ass.

  3. kenon 28 May 2010 at 6:56 am

    I gave up regular soda years ago, so it’s only diet for me. Of course, Coke leads the pack there with Coke Zero (Diet Coke sucks) but Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet A&W both come closest to that real soda flavor. I wish Jarritos made a diet line, they’re so tempting at taco joints.

    I will very rarely have a real sugar Coke or Dr. Pepper but only once a year or so.

  4. CreatureofHabiton 28 May 2010 at 7:03 am

    Although I sort of agree with San Fran, when I’m sick to my stomach the only thing that settles it is a fountain Coke. Only Coke….. everything else is dogshit.

  5. pigdooron 28 May 2010 at 7:19 am

    i only drink diet, ive actually gotten so used to the after taste that i prefer it. coke zero is the absolute shit. diet pepsi just tastes like shit.

  6. Saraon 28 May 2010 at 8:41 am

    I just drink tequila. I’ve forced myself to learn to chase it with just lemon water, I’ve cut my calorie intake in half! (the other half comming from tequila)

  7. You Just Made My List!on 28 May 2010 at 8:48 am

    OK, there’s a lot of crazy comments to deal with here!

    SanFran / Creature – Soda is terrible for you and I try to only drink it a few times a week but in moderation… Yum!

    Yours Truly – WHA? 7-Up is sent directly from heaven! You are a crazy person.

    Ken / Pigdoor – Diet soda is the Nickelback of beverages.

    We should all take a page out of Sara’s book. This Tequila diet is intriguing.

  8. Jonathanon 28 May 2010 at 9:48 am

    Once you taste Coca-Cola in another country you will NEVER go back to drinking U.S.-made Coke. Coke with real sugar makes every other soda taste like rhinoceros diarrhea. Fuck high fructose corn syrup.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 28 May 2010 at 10:02 am

    Jonathan – That’s exactly why my fridge is filled with Mexican Coke as we speak.

  10. Saraon 28 May 2010 at 10:19 am

    oooh Jonathan is right, whats up with American Coke? They also have Coke Light to which is awesome its not at all like diet which is carbonated swamp water

    I to stock up on coke when I’m in the Dominican Republic…….and soda to

  11. rachelon 28 May 2010 at 11:10 am

    Dr. Pepper rules over all. I’m a PEPPER!

  12. Xinaon 28 May 2010 at 11:16 am

    I’m gonna stand up for Pepsi here. I grew up on it and I love it. I also only drink diet, except for Mr. Pibb which is awesome, but I think Coke, diet, zero or otherwise tastes like total and complete shit. Normally I’m right there with you Listy but I think this has to be the end. It’s been a good run my friend but we’re gonna have to break up. Pepsi rules!

  13. You Just Made My List!on 28 May 2010 at 11:27 am

    Oh Xina, no we can make it work! This isn’t our first fight, remember we fought about fake breasts and we made it through that. Even though your stance on Pepsi is borderline retarded I think we can get through it.

  14. Jim Joneson 28 May 2010 at 11:38 am

    Pepsi sucks! Enough said

  15. calebon 28 May 2010 at 12:31 pm

    few things in life are better than an ice cold fountain Coke over crushed ice with a lime wedge squeezed in it, and a bottle of rum on the side. i wouldn’t ever pollute the purity of the Coke by dumping rum in it, but instead take alternating drinks of each.

  16. mikeon 28 May 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Pepsi Cola Sucks.

  17. Xinaon 28 May 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Pour yourself a glass of Pepsi, put a handful of salted peanuts in it and tell me that’s not a slice of heaven. It wouldn’t work with Coke cuz Coke isn’t sweet enough and it tastes like shit.

  18. JulieJulieJulieon 28 May 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I agree – non-US Coke and Coca-Cola Light are awesome. Me, I’m a TAB girl – you’ve got to love anything whose initials mean Totally Artificial Beverage. I hate all Pepsi products – taste crappy and they lose their fizz really quickly!

  19. Tommyon 28 May 2010 at 1:55 pm

    I can drink Pepsi but the last 5 years has really made me have disdain for it. Here at my school they have made a deal with the devil and only serve pepsi beverage products. If you want a Coke…well then fuck you!
    Most importantly, Pepsi must never be mixed with alcohol. Rum and Coke, Whiskey and Coke, these are fine beverages (for pussies) but exchange pepsi for coke in any of those concoctions and look out. It’s bartender bashing time.

  20. Jayon 28 May 2010 at 2:33 pm

    I worked with a guy who was a recovering Pepsi addict, no joke. He told me he would show up to parties with two 2 liter bottles and finish them by the end of the night. He had only a few teeth and his gums were gross, I think he was only 26 too.

  21. Saraon 28 May 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I knew a diet pepsi addict to! She would drink like 5-6 LARGE fountain drinks a day and became severly sick from Aspertaime Overdose. Another woman I work with thinks Diet coke was sent from god and that it also cures all ailments. me: *cough cough*
    crazy lady: Diet coke will clear that right up!

  22. You Just Made My List!on 28 May 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Mike – Thank you for that.

  23. Kathyon 28 May 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Mountain Dew – yes
    Root beer – yes (especially small batch brewed)
    Grape soda – yes
    Dr Pepper – maybe
    Frooty cocktails – YES!
    All others – no

    I think there’s a pattern here?

  24. Ericaon 28 May 2010 at 5:52 pm

    I would prefer a Mint Julep any day to a Pepsi!

    Sorry just keeping track with the fucking freak show of a world I work in!!

  25. Adion 28 May 2010 at 5:55 pm

    I love to make trouble in restaurants whenever i decide not to drink alcohol (or if they don’t have any) and i ask for a coke and they say “is pepsi alright?” or the like. One time i slapped my menu down and said “i don’t drink that shit” or another time just started sobbing into my hands. There’s something in the sweetener that makes pepsi worse, it tastes like the bastard offspring of saccharin and perineal sweat. That said i don’t even like soft drinks that much. As for diet sodas, how the fuck can anyone take more than a sip of that bilge?

  26. You Just Made My List!on 28 May 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Dr. Pepper is great with BBQ.

  27. Yours Trulyon 28 May 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Orange soda is superior to grape soda.

  28. Dub Pon 29 May 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Seriously, wear a blindfold and tell me if you can tell the difference between Coke, RC and Pepsi. 90% of people really cant!

    Or check the link below for which soft drink you’ll likely choose as “the best”…

  29. You Just Made My List!on 29 May 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Dub P – I could ABSOLUTELY tell the difference between Coke, RC and Pepsi. Let’s do this.

  30. billmigukon 30 May 2010 at 6:59 am

    I can’t wait for tomorrow’s rant about the Dio/Coleman/Hopper hat trick that life just pulled on us….

  31. Mitsurugion 18 Aug 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Jonathan: You obviously do not know about Cokeology’s best kept secret, mate: Coke from Pennsylvania, specifically the Lehigh Valley. Lehigh Valley Coca-Cola Bottling uses real sucrose in their products. Just check for the “BH” bottler code when you buy Coke in Eastern PA (it is after the expiration date).

    And unlike Mexican Coke, which obviously isn’t an American product, Lehigh Valley’s Coke is obviously bottled in the scenic Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania. And unlike Mexican Coke, which costs a little extra for a little less, Lehigh Valley Coke costs as much as Coke found from bottlers that use High Fructose Corn Syrup.

  32. Bob Snodgrasson 17 Oct 2010 at 9:22 pm

    I love you.

  33. steveon 21 Dec 2010 at 6:33 pm

    F*$# Pepsi!

  34. You Just Made My List!on 21 Dec 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Steve – And I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate Pepsi any more than I already did.

  35. Jenaon 13 Jun 2011 at 7:52 pm

    While I agree that Coke from other countries (with real sugar) is better, at least Coca Cola is good somewhere in the universe, a goal Pepsi has yet to achieve.

    If we took the U.S. military budget and moved it to NASA for the sole project of making Pepsi taste good, no progress would be made and we’d lose some of our greatest minds to depressive suicides.