Jun 08 2010

Segways!

Published by at 4:01 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

segway fail

Finally, a way to end that nightmare known as walking.

Remember when this shit was first introduced to the world? It was supposed to “revolutionize” EVERYTHING and soon we would all be trading in our Adidas for robot feet. All they revolutionized was the ability of mall cops to become even more round… round and fast, like boulders. Thank God Segways cost approximately 50 million dollars because I don’t want to imagine what this country would look like if we found a way to be even less active.

A Segway makes a recumbent bike look like a Harley strapped to an angry mastodon that shoots Motörhead songs and kegs of beer out of its hairy butthole.

The first step to riding a Segway is to fight the urge to over-correct and over-react. The second step is to keep your hands on the handlebars even though you will feel your penis and balls shriveling up and falling off. You will want to reach down and try to save them but forget about it Dennis, they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the rest of your “walking” tour of St. Louis, you will have plenty of time to get used to your new vagina when the ride is over.

Hey, want to see George Bush fall off a Segway? There’s no punchline… here you go.

    14 comments so far

    14 comments to “Segways!”

    1. Jeffon 08 Jun 2010 at 8:32 am

      Sure…but isn’t this like complaining about Ace of Base?

      It’s 2010 – wake up, grandpa…

    2. You Just Made My List!on 08 Jun 2010 at 8:33 am

      Jeff – Who in their right mind would complain about Ace of Base? I don’t follow you.

    3. pigdooron 08 Jun 2010 at 8:38 am

      your a stinky poop, listy.

    4. You Just Made My List!on 08 Jun 2010 at 8:46 am

      Pig – Why?

    5. SanFranon 08 Jun 2010 at 10:31 am

      #Jeff: I think this is still a current-affair.

      Segway riders? drivers? users? fuckers? are equivalent to Prius owners – one minute, they are reasonable human beings, walking upright, acting as one of us – and the next, they are smug, pious and dorkus maximus dweebs.

      Just this past week, I encountered a band of roving Segway Tourons (a cross between tourist and moron) while strolling through the squares and neighborhoods of Savannah, GA – who actually whizzed by us and pointed out “Oh, look at them! They’re doing that old-fashioned walking thing! Ha Ha Ha…”

      So I said: “you foolish man…” and then they were already out of range.

      All this being said: I was at a cookout once, shortly after the Seqway become available to the public, and the dude’s neighbor had one that was hopped up with knobby tires and he let us ride it around: off-road. Somewhere there’s a picture of me jumping it off a 2′ tall retaining wall – they are pretty bad-ass, from an engineering standpoint, too bad you look like a fucking asshole riding one.

    6. JulieJulieJulieon 08 Jun 2010 at 12:13 pm

      I had a guest stay with me this weekend that looked just like Steve Wozniak (I run a B&B) and I almost asked him where his Segway was.

      If you want to ride something with wheels, do what normal people do – ride a bike. Those “razr” scooters are majorly annoying, too, especially the middle-aged men riding them, trying to be cool.

    7. Tommyon 08 Jun 2010 at 1:07 pm

      What are these Segway devices of which you speak…Have I been using my legs like a suckers all these years?

    8. Saraon 08 Jun 2010 at 1:41 pm

      Why is Bush running away from the scene? That looks an awful lot like John Mcenroe to me, a drunk John Mcenroe….is there any other kind?

      I work in the tourism industry and had a coworker leave to start her own Seqway tours of our town….it’s REALY hard to tell someone you like “good luck with that” and not laugh in their face. Actualy I do point and laugh at her on my way home, I live on one of the streets she tours. I’m giggling as I type this. oh and the HELMET ahhh ha ha the helmet and the headset microphone!

    9. Yours Trulyon 08 Jun 2010 at 4:13 pm

      I just want to introduce those Segway assholes to a bunch of angry paraplegics. And then I’d charge people to watch the ensuing chaos.

    10. Kathyon 08 Jun 2010 at 5:02 pm

      You know what’s even worse? There is a place in my fair city that sells OFF-ROAD SEGWAYS!!! I have a picture. Not only is there to be no more walking, now apparently there is to be no more hiking.

    11. rachelon 08 Jun 2010 at 6:12 pm

      G.O.B. Bluth ruled his segway. (tell me you watched Arrested Development??)

    12. You Just Made My List!on 08 Jun 2010 at 6:17 pm

      Rachel – But of course.

    13. SanFranon 08 Jun 2010 at 8:29 pm

      Just so all y’all know: the guy who invented the Segway also invented this:

      http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=206DB5FD66C0DF26

      I’ve had the pleasure of working with Dean Kamen on a few video projects for his FIRST robotics program, and he’s intense, for sure.. but has genius..

      here’s his bio: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dean_Kamen

      Maybe you can thank him later… just not for the Segway.

    14. You Just Made My List!on 08 Jun 2010 at 10:19 pm

      Yeah, Kamen is a genius and a good guy but I still hate Segways. Plus, I need to find bullshit to complain about 5 days a week. I hate blogging.