Jun 14 2010

Comfort Wipe!

Published by at 3:49 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

comfort wipes infomercial commercial

Did you realize you have been wasting your time with toilet paper for over 100 years you big fucking moron? Finally some genius came to his senses and realized there is a much better way to clean our shitty buttholes!

It’s so simple… just keep your poo stick near the toilet. After you explode a load of crap into the bowl, simply take a wad of toilet paper and insert it into your poo stick, reach behind your back, locate your shit-covered bunghole, jam the stick up there and pull it back up behind you with extra care so as not to smear shit all over your back and hair. Almost done… next just carefully stand up and turn around without letting your poopie ass touch anything and eject the soiled paper into the bowl. Just a few more steps… sit back down, grab another handful of toilet paper and DELICATELY insert it into your poo stick because it will now be covered in feces. Reach back behind you without letting your shit-covered poo stick touch ANYTHING on the way down and jam it back up into that brown mess. Stand, eject and repeat as needed. Once your barking spider is finally clean you are going to want to flush the toilet and clean off any feces that you may have accidentally smeared on your back, legs, hands, hair, clothes, towels and/or walls. All you have to do next is wash your crap-encrusted poo stick in the bath tub and put it back near the toilet. Simply clean your bath tub with bleach and that’s it. SIMPLE! As promised, your dignity is intact.

It really is the modern solution. I mean using toilet paper these days is about as smart as still using AOL for your email!

The Comfort Wipe poo stick is for anyone who poops… uptight blonde MILFs, uncles with bad shoulders, old ladies with mysterious accents and even big guys. That’s right, I said big guys! There are many disadvantages to being a big guy but one of the countless advantages is that you have the opportunity to be so fat that you need to wipe your big wet butthole with a stick. Lucky!

You know Comfort Wipe is going to work, I mean look at that perfectly clean white butthole right in their logo!

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “Comfort Wipe!”

  1. billmigukon 14 Jun 2010 at 7:02 am

    this kind of shit is the reason why people from dirt-poor countries hate us…useless tools for useless people…

  2. Saraon 14 Jun 2010 at 7:52 am

    I never thought the world of pooping would come to this, reminds me of a Christopher Walkin sketch…

    Boss: Do you dump wherever you’re standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

    Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

    Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

    Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

    Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

    Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

    Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

    Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

  3. Jeffon 14 Jun 2010 at 7:58 am

    It’s for old people so their maid, caregiver, or hapless progeny don’t have to wipe their ass – thereby humiliating everyone involved.

    Again, (relative) youth mocking the elderly. Let’s hope you never get old.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 14 Jun 2010 at 8:26 am

    Jeff – Yes, that’s EXACTLY what this post is, me making fun of old people. And yes, this product is EXCLUSIVELY for old people just as the commercial points out. Obviously this product is well thought-out and incredibly useful and I’m sure I will use one when/if I get old. You caught me being a relatively young person mocking the elderly… again!

  5. Jonathanon 14 Jun 2010 at 8:57 am

    Speaking of asswipes, check out what all the gel-haired douchebags are doing now:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/business/media/09adco.html

    Just kill me.

  6. SanFranon 14 Jun 2010 at 10:56 am

    WTFUCK?

    I watched this over breakfast and a big mug of Peet’s coffee, and I write this comment in the short period between coffee and my morning shit. I’m feeling the urge already, in fact.

    Personally, I like how they do it in Thailand – next to the toilet are two thing: a small trash can, and a kitchen sink-variety sprayer nozzle on a hose.

    When you’re done, just grab the sprayer and give the balloon knot a hosing off, and then use a tiny couple squares of TP to dry things out, discard them into the trash bin.

    I have also noticed that when abroad, pooping is a neater affair – because you don’t typically eat as much, and what you eat is free of preservatives and chemicals and such, making small, tidy poops. I’ve given it a lot of thought – anybody else notice this?

  7. Jayon 14 Jun 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Why don’t they offer a free trial period and money back guarantee?

  8. Paul in Saint Paulon 14 Jun 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I fail to see how the Comfort Wipe™ makes wiping easier for old folks. People with arthritis would have a much harder time gripping and manipulating the handle than just wadding tissue and wiping. I guess I can see the morbidly obese benefiting, though I’d suggest exercise and diet as a better alternative than having to resort to a tool to wipe your own ass because you’re so fucking fat.

    Also, does the household share a single Comfort Wipe™? How is it sanitized after each use? The commercial fails to show the shit-smeared gripper that would have to be cleaned up. With wet toilet paper? That would set us back in time, to the 1880’s!

  9. You Just Made My List!on 14 Jun 2010 at 6:41 pm

    SanFran – I hate all pooping, including international. http://www.youjustmademylist.com/?p=1998

    Jay – Hilarious, good point.

    Paul – Agreed but it’s impossible to reason with Jeff. I think I might buy one of these Comfort Wipe poo wands and document my experience with it, including graphic photos.

  10. Ericaon 14 Jun 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Wow…fuck you Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell and Jonas Salk! Hang your pathetic heads in shame and behold the greatest invention of the millennium, the shit stick. I think I smell a Nobel prize in the making!!

    And my shoulder has never been the same since I started wiping my own ass at age 2. I am considering suing my parents now for not making this available to me.

  11. magic_johnsonon 14 Jun 2010 at 10:45 pm

    No. I don’t believe it. This has to be a joke.

  12. Kathyon 14 Jun 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Listy, you’re in good company. Great minds and all:
    http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1991915_1991909_1991805,00.html

  13. You Just Made My List!on 14 Jun 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Kathy – Yeah, why the hell don’t I get paid for my awesome opinions? I’m doing this all wrong!

  14. Peteon 21 Jun 2010 at 8:18 am

    My king, you rule.

  15. ickyon 04 Jan 2011 at 11:40 am

    I fail to see how this would be effective in cleaning shit off anyone. Another dumb gimmick. The gripper thing looks promising, however, suction cups tend to pop off without warning so I don’t know..

    ‘barking spider’ LOL