Jun 25 2010

Chicago weather!

Published by at 3:30 am under Why?!?

chicago weather sucks

I just got my internet connection back, it’s late and I’m tired so this one will suck.

You know what else sucks? The weather in the Midwest! Take a look at that forecast, that’s what we’ve seen every day this summer. Thanks for another awesome weekend God.

Let me run down the seasons in Chicago for you…

Spring – Spring lasts about 4 minutes in Chicago, A housefly lives longer than our pathetic spring.
Summer – Three months of hot, humid, stormy bullshit peppered with the sound of every rap song ever written playing simultaneously from every car window in the city. Each summer we have a stretch that is so hot our elderly population begins to drop dead and the moon turns orange. Orange!
Fall – Admittedly fall is a nice season but it’s impossible to enjoy because it’s just foreplay for the horrible winter that is about to fuck you.
Winter – Have you ever experienced wind that is so cold it makes you cry? I don’t mean that your eyes simply water, I am talking about actual crying, crying and begging for death. Oh yeah, and it lasts approximately 16 months.

I would estimate that we have about 5 actual nice days each year. How’s a bro supposed to get his Frisbee golf on?

Goodnight, I’m the worst writer in the world. I will try to make next week better but I can’t promise anything.

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46 comments so far

46 comments to “Chicago weather!”

  1. Saraon 25 Jun 2010 at 7:52 am

    78! You lucky bastard.
    Lately our forcast has been thuderstorms ALL DAY.
    I didn’t realize nature could keep it up ALL DAY, ALL WEEK but hey throw some tornados in there for good measure Mother Fucker..I mean Nature

  2. Danielleon 25 Jun 2010 at 7:54 am

    I live in St. Paul, MN and we have this shitty weather too. If it’s not snowing, then it’s raining. If it’s not raining, then it’s insanely humid. In the midwest you end up praying for at least 4 or 5 nice days out of the year, but that prayer is rarely answered. I guess what I’m saying is I feel your pain. Weather in the midwest sucks.

  3. Jim Joneson 25 Jun 2010 at 8:12 am

    Weather sucks in the south east too, you’re not the only one suffering in this shit! What makes it really nice is the building I work in is around 115 degrees at the moment.

  4. Erinon 25 Jun 2010 at 10:01 am

    Ha ha ha ha…. Sucks to be you! Come to Maine where the weather is awesome. But please leave your crappy rap music in the Midwest, I don’t need to hear that shit in my beautiful clean pleasant state. Bahahahaha!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 25 Jun 2010 at 10:02 am

    Erin – I can do you one better, I’m moving to Maui next year. No joke.

  6. Erinon 25 Jun 2010 at 10:28 am

    Ok, fair enough. Maui is the better than Maine, but they don’t have delicious lobsters like we do… yeah I am sure there are a few Red Lobster restaurants around but that is crap compared to what we have. You will have better surfing… alright I am jealous now, damn you! And damn MAUI!!

  7. Tommyon 25 Jun 2010 at 10:43 am

    Quit whining and move to southern california like a respectable person.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 25 Jun 2010 at 11:13 am

    Tommy – See above.

  9. calebon 25 Jun 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Hawaii is one of the world’s largest consumers of SPAM.

    that’s literally all i know about Hawaii.

    Oh, and Dog the Bounty Hunter hunts bounties there.

  10. Jayon 25 Jun 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Maui?! Wow, you really do hate Chicago weather, Listy! I doubt Los Angeles can be beat for comfortable weather though, it’s almost perfect every day.

  11. Ericaon 25 Jun 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Listy – Maui can be insanely hot and is almost always humid! What are you doing? As Caleb stated do you really want to live in the same general vicinity as Dog the Bounty Hunter??? Have you seen those fucking feather earrings and orange leather skin? Plus, the Hawaiians HATE haoles…HATE.

    You can’t beat the West Coast for weather…from Cali to Seattle, all awesome.

  12. Ericaon 25 Jun 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Oh and they even have a day dedicated to killing haoles:


  13. rachelon 25 Jun 2010 at 1:59 pm

    have fun with the giant cockroaches. i guess that’s probably the only suck-y thing about hawaii. i emailed you for facebook. CALIFORNIA RULES.

  14. You Just Made My List!on 25 Jun 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Erica – Maui’s weather differs depending on where you are. I am moving to an area that has PERFECT weather every day. Seriously perfect.

    Erica & Rachel – As far as all the horrible things about Hawaii are concerned, don’t believe all the propaganda you hear. I’ve had nothing but incredible experiences there and I know a few people on Maui and they say there’s nothing at all to worry about. If you go down there acting like an asshole, sure people won’t like you but that happens anywhere. Hawaiians are actually very nice people.

  15. rachelon 25 Jun 2010 at 3:13 pm

    just jealous.

  16. Jonathanon 25 Jun 2010 at 4:58 pm

    I’m jealous of Rachel because she has Listy’s email address.

    I’m jealous of everybody who lives in California and Hawaii. I live in Connecticut. It’s…nice. But that’s about it. Summer is too short, winter is too long and there are WAAAY too many blonde bimbos in gigantic SUVs.

    I know the weather is great in L.A., but isn’t the infamous traffic a constant headache?

  17. You Just Made My List!on 25 Jun 2010 at 5:03 pm

    I’ve never lived in L.A. but when I’m there I never think the traffic is as bad as Chicago. We have some of the worst traffic on the country. FUN!

    Now brunette bimbos, that’s a whole different story.

  18. Ericaon 25 Jun 2010 at 9:52 pm

    OK Listy, yes, I am also jealous but island fever is real! My dad lived in Hawaii for 5 years and he almost went fucking crazy! Just getting your back…:)

    Jonathan – first off thank you for NOT spelling your name like an animal…JoHnathan. That fucking H makes me crazy! I know how you feel with the SUV’s. We have this pest problem in the Seattle subarbs too. Only our bimbos are “hippie” i.e. ugly.

  19. JayCeeon 26 Jun 2010 at 1:37 am

    Hey Listy, your site is the first one I check each day. You are hilarious. Thank you for being you.

    Having said that, as a fan, I feel it’s my obligation to make you re-think your decision to move to Maui. Yes, I know you didn’t ask, and I’ve got a lot nerve to try to talk you out of moving since this is the first time I’ve ever commented on your site, but just amuse me, please…… just ‘act’ like you’ve read it and respond with a nice ‘thank you for your concern, now kiss my ass…’

    Coincidentally, I was on Oahu 2 weeks ago & in Chicago last week. I hate to tell you but you’re going to get the same heat & awesome humidity on Maui as in Chicago. The only difference is it’s ALWAYS windy and something will always fly in your eye, so you will need to carry about a gallon of eye drops. Just use that old flask that I know you still have, because drinking alcohol might not be so much fun since you’re constantly drinking water & Gatorade to fight dehydration with a side order of leg cramps and food/drinks are at least 20% more expensive! Gas two weeks ago was $3.65/gallon.

    One slight difference are the storms. Yes, Maui does have Chicago beat on this point. The storms on the islands are few and short in duration and may not even make it over the mountains. But right now the islands are in a drought, so there a lot of fires…. how many times does Chicago suffer from brush fires???? Hardly ever!!! (feel anything yet?)

    As someone who loves Chicago and a fellow Midwesterner, I just cannot believe you would want to leave that awesome city. The great restaurants, shows, concerts, culture, friendly people, and beautiful lakefront scenery surely outweigh the storms, heat & snow! (Right?!) How often do you think a Level 3 emergency anything hits Maui? Oh come on, you know you secretly pray for those days so you have an excuse not go out and you can pad around in your jammies all day….we all do that!!

    While I definitely understand the allure of the islands, the traffic sucks most of time. The first time I drove in Chicago was during morning rush hour, the second time was the day construction began on the Dan R a few years ago. I would rather drive in that traffic any day vs that race track that is US H1 every morning and night…. Oh there’s an open spot in the middle left lane, let me just cross over two lanes so I can get one car up from where I am now, times 500! (How about now, anything?)

    And don’t forget Hawaiians HATE us. Yes, they truly HATE HATE HATE us and DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT, try to ‘blend in’ by speaking Hawaiian..not even Aloha… they will hate you even more. (Now?)

    OK, I’m done now….

    Bottom line Listy, I’m just afraid if you move to Maui, you’re going to mellow out so much that you’ll start to love EVERYTHING and then how will your loyal fans know what to hate each day???!!!!

  20. UltimateChaseon 26 Jun 2010 at 1:08 pm

    I lived in Vancouver, WA for most of my life (basically a suburb of Portland, OR,) and despite it being the NW, which does have a lot of rain, there were FOUR seasons during the year. It rained occassionally during all of them, sure, but there was a few months of snow, a few months of rain/sunshine, a few months of hot sunny times (and rain) and then a few months of dark clouds and orange leaves (and rain). I just moved to Reno with my girlfriend a few years ago and it’s one of those places with bullshit weather. The winter lasted until early this month. I’m talking about snow, not just cold weather. Reno has two seasons: sunburn and blizzard. It’s retarded. I feel for anyone who lives in retarded weather areas.

  21. Ericaon 26 Jun 2010 at 7:28 pm

    JayCee – did you see the link I posted about the “Haole Killing Day”? YES, Hawaiians HATE HATE HATE HATE us. They seriously want to kill us. They would love to be their own country and tell the US to FUCK OFF. The few friends I have who are Hawaiians (who now live in the NW) tell me that they HATE us…and would HATE me if I moved to their precious land.


  22. Mon 27 Jun 2010 at 5:06 am

    Feel lucky you don’t live near Kansas city, Kansas. I’d take your weather anyday. The past 3 weeks we have seen nothing but 93-98 degrees and anywhere from 80-100% humidity. Our fucking heat index the other day was 109 degrees. We didn’t get much of a spring this year. It jumped straight from winter to summer.

  23. You Just Made My List!on 27 Jun 2010 at 10:09 am

    JayCee – I appreciate he concern. Keep in mind I have been to Hawaii, my girlfriend has been to Hawaii, I have a friend who has lived on Maui for many years and my girlfriend has family who lived there for 5 years so I’m not just daydreaming without understanding the realities of living there.

    Maui Weather vs. Chicago Weather
    The weather on Maui varies wildly depending on where you live. We have chosen a great area NOT on the windward side. I’m not kidding when I tell you this area has PERFECT weather every day. The daily temps range from 72-85 with very low humidity and it only rains about 5 days a year. And, you have to understand my hatred for winter. I HATE WINTER! Give me an endless summer and I’m happy. Fuck the seasons too, I won’t miss them.

    Food & Gas Costs
    While it is true gas and food are more expensive there compared to the rest of the country, you must keep in mind I live in Chicago where food and gas is already expensive. In fact, food costs in Hawaii are almost identical to Chicago prices. I’m fine with higher priced gas too. I don’t really drive much and thanks to my scooter which gets 90 miles to the gallon I don’t worry about it as much. If you go by the national cost of living averages, Chicago is actually MORE expensive than Maui. Rents are almost identical as well.

    Yes, Chicago is an amazing, world-class city but I have lived here for 20 years. It’s one thing to visit here but it’s another to live here. Yes, the lakefront, restaurants, museums, etc. are top-notch but don’t forget about crime, dirt, garbage, noise, congestion, traffic, big box stores running mom & pops out, millions of generic condos, graffiti, terrible public transportation, corruption, non-stop construction, terrible roads, expensive parking, people who “save” “their” parking spot all winter with old chairs and garbage… the list goes on.

    Traffic in Chicago is ridiculous! Don’t go by your time on Oahu because traffic there is bad too. Maui is a completely different island.

    Hawaiians hating “us”
    This concept is WAY exaggerated. It is true hatred for newcomers and “whites” exists but it is not anywhere near what some people describe or assume. If you go someplace and act like an asshole then you will be treated like an asshole. I understand how to travel and not stand out, in fact when I was in London American tourists kept stopping me to ask directions. The truth is that Hawaiians are welcoming, friendly people.

    Listy becoming too mellow
    Well I have to admit you might be right on this one, at least I hope you are. I am in desperate need of a lifestyle change. 2009 was a tough one for your hero, a very tough one. HOWEVER, I’m sure I will have plenty to write about after I move, especially since Hawaii is the worst place in the world to live according to all you naysayers!

    The bottom line is that I really do appreciate everyone’s concern but I am not going into this with blinders. By the time I move I will have a year and a half to prepare. We spend at least part of every day working towards this goal. We’re giving it 6 months and if it does not work out… fine at least we tried it. I HATE not trying. I don’t like living my life wondering “what if.” When I have an idea I fucking do it. Sometimes I fail but who cares? Life is too short not to imagine your dream life and then try to make it a reality. I don’t mean to sound like an inspirational poster but this is a concept I take seriously.


  24. Zakon 28 Jun 2010 at 1:54 am

    I visited Chicago last summer and it was hot as balls. I live in Colorado, don’t mind the winters, but I would take Maui over any place in the world.

    Aloha indeed.

  25. Amy Louiseon 28 Jun 2010 at 2:58 am


  26. T.J.on 28 Jun 2010 at 11:43 am

    It’s going to be 104 in Sacramento today and I can’t stand it, but I am glad it took until yesterday to get a triple digit temperature.

  27. jake nickellon 29 Jun 2010 at 3:42 pm

    you’re in chicago? you should come to this party on friday, we could talk about hating threadless and other things. i think it could be fun!


  28. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jun 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Jake, I would love to go but I have to alphabetize my skinny jeans that night.

  29. Spicypupon 30 Jun 2010 at 1:45 am

    That is exactly why we packed up from our beloved city and moved to Arizona. I would guess nearly 50% of Phoenix is made up of Chicagoans. It is like a good part of the city has taken a permanent vacation here. We can reminisce about the horror of the weather, but not actually suffer through it anymore. Yes, the summers are hot, but we stay inside like we do in Chicago winters except we can actually go to the pool which is better than having your nostrils frozen shut by the mere act of breathing. Plus clouds and storms actually make you smile 3-5x a year. Come! Join us!!

  30. Lisaon 21 Jul 2010 at 11:42 pm

    We moved out of Chite-hole because of the high cost of living, the crappy weather and the constant negativity/crime and corruption. I am a third generation Chicagoan. Best thing I ever did was MOVE to a nicer climate. I didnt realize things were so bad there till I left. I don’t want to scrape ice off my car at 6am and have to drive through that slush to get to a job in a crappy neighborhood. The winters are the most depressing thing, and you feel trapped. Its like a really bad acid trip.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jul 2010 at 7:24 am

    Lisa – Thank you, finally someone understands me! I can’t believe people were trying to convince me that moving to Maui is CRAZY! Right now Chicago is about 179 degrees and the humidity is 460%, who needs that?

  32. .on 13 Oct 2010 at 5:21 pm

    I’ve lived in Chicagoland almost all my life (minus 1 year). We have the craziest weather.

  33. Steveon 20 Dec 2010 at 12:52 am

    please believe me Hawaiians hate you if you are white. The asians and the half cast hate you even more. If you think that you are going to get a good job in hawaiia you are highly mistaking. Don’t think of getting any public help if you lose your job they will try to put all kinds of road blocks in your way. Honolulu is the home of the mantally ill and homeless the asains have made the prices so high that the native hawaiian can not afford to live thier. The asian that live thier are rude and disrespectful to you but they will take your money in a minute. They hate you if you come from the mainland. Corruption is right out in the open even the police the time I send in hawaii thier was five mainlander murder do investication at all so if you believe what some tree hugger from washington living in maui with a Island boyfriend say how she love hawaii then try your lucky good luck to you Maholoa.

  34. Steveon 20 Dec 2010 at 12:59 am

    please believe me Hawaiians hate you if you are white. The asians and the half cast hate you even more. If you think that you are going to get a good job in hawaiia you are highly mistaking. Don’t think of getting any public help if you lose your job they will try to put all kinds of road blocks in your way. Honolulu is the home of the mantally ill and homeless the asains have made the prices so high that the native hawaiian can not afford to live thier. The asian that live thier are rude and disrespectful to you but they will take your money in a minute. They hate you if you come from the mainland. Corruption is right out in the open even the police are corrupt, the time I spend in hawaii thier was five mainlander murders, no investication what so ever. If you believe what some tree hugger from washington living in maui with a Island boyfriend have to say how she love hawaii then try your luck, good luck to you Maholoa.

  35. You Just Made My List!on 20 Dec 2010 at 7:57 am

    Steve – HIGHLY exaggerated but I will keep it in mind.

  36. Alfredon 05 Feb 2011 at 11:29 pm

    As a native of a much nicer climate… The weather alone in Chicago is not worth it… Immediate deal killer. Unless you can afford to leave it for the entire winter. And if you have that money, why would you live in Chicago? Go to NYC/SF/LA etc… If you have family there or in the midwest, I guess it is attractive, but if not??? It just isn’t enough, Chicago is not New York, London or Paris …and never will be. It’s too much of a working class city with provincial boorish citizens. It even makes you hate other aspects of the city. Sorry I am not a bar, sports person though I like cities. Chicago is a bit too conformist/vanilla for me also, was hard making friends there and I’ve lived in many places. I tolerated it for a few years but that was all I could take.

  37. You Just Made My List!on 06 Feb 2011 at 10:01 am

    Alfred – Watch it pal. Your assessment of Chicago is WAY off. Chicago is ABSOLUTELY a world class city. I happen to be one of those “boorish” citizens. Yeah, nobody is boorish in New York or Paris. Give me a break. Dig deeper than the postcard, movie versions of cities next time.

    If you had a hard time making friends in Chicago you might want to explore that a little. I’ve never had a difficult time meeting interesting, creative, intelligent people here. I have a very large group of highly successful and inspiring friends in Chicago.

  38. Rich Don 01 Apr 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Chicago is full of itself. Its a crappy little, boorish city where the only thing to do is either be pretentious or go to bars. The art scene is weak, the music scene is weak, the people are mean and very much in love with themselves. Chicago has to keep the bullshit up to keep people moving there, so that the taxes are covered. If doing good in life means crapping on other people, by all means move to Chicago. But don’t utter one word of criticism about the city or you will have someone who is a “real Chicagoan” jump down your throat and tell you what your problems are. Chicago is neurotic, and constantly compares itself to other, better, cities like a little bitchy kid with an inferiority complex. Chicago is an substandard city. But defend it as much as you want, and keep telling everyone else its their problem. Yeah, its all everyone else’s problem because Chicago is fine, right? What a load of horse dung.

  39. You Just Made My List!on 01 Apr 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Rich – WAAAAAAAAAA! Was Chicago mean to you? You’re obviously an idiot.

  40. Janeton 31 May 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Re: Just made my list, Rich is dead on.
    I’m a native, but have been smart enough to have lived other places and am here for family reasons now.
    Those “real chicagoans” are quite ridiculous! What is so special about Chicago? Its just like Cleveland but bigger. It is indeed full of BORING people, crime and atrocious weather. And all of this for a high price tag.

  41. You Just Made My List!on 31 May 2011 at 2:59 pm

    If you can’t already see why Chicago is an amazing city, then no amount of explanation here could convince you. Perhaps you need to figure out what is wrong with you if you think all people in Chicago are “boring.”

  42. Alfredon 16 Jun 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Chicago is not amazing guy, keep believing that though glad you like it when I moved there I thought I went in a 5 year time vortex the people think they are cultured but really uhhhh yeah not happening… I know plenty of people also not from there who think the same thing sue it is better than Detroit or Cleveland or st louis … Bo surprise on your post though chicagoans are pretty provincial and always ra ra like that it his def not would class either in what a few gimps IRS maybe nit the citizens or city though and let’s nit even talk about the weather or lack of nsture

  43. You Just Made My List!on 16 Jun 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Alfred – I think your command of the English language speaks for itself, no need for me to say more.

  44. Alfredon 19 Jun 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Sure real critique … Typical Chicagoan would rather argue semantics and grammar as I post from my iPhone than counter Real issues as rich mentioned lulz you fit the mold maybe you will understand why Chicago is pretty weak one day when you live in other classier places

    So now you know I am posting from a phone you can cut some slack, this isn’t a thesis paper likewise I will cut Chicago some slack and reframe the argument while attempting to refrain from anything that might get misconstrued

    Of course this is just my opinion but my anecdotal evidence which is vast has been sympathetically shared by many former or current chicagoans … I certainly do not think I am a bad person for making the critique but it is a critique nonetheless
    Don’t get me wrong Chicago isn’t a horrible place by any means it has truly great institutions but the locals would have you believe it is right behind new York in terms of major cities when really is in about the 7 or 8 slot , that is the point and what creates a lot of people’s gripes ESP since chi isn’t exactly that cheap, people want their $s worth…

  45. You Just Made My List!on 19 Jun 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Alfred – I don’t need to defend Chicago to you because I don’t really care about your opinion of the city. I honestly don’t give a shit.

  46. Brianon 13 Jul 2011 at 9:40 pm

    Yes, Chicago weather sucks! I have lived here all of my life and I am sick of the weather. Besides the weather so many other cities just do things so much better than Chicago ( New Orleans, Savannah, San Francisco) Not to mention the new mayor of Chicago , but it seems as if we are headed backwards. City workers,who also pay taxes,are treated as second class citizens in Chicago. Time to leave.