Jul 21 2010


Published by at 3:31 am under I Don't Get It


“Help, my husband is having a heart attack!”

“Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a mixologist.”

“Wait, huh? How is that going to help?”

“I told you, I’m a M-I-X-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.”

“What the? Is there a doctor in the house? Please hurry!”

“What part of OLOGIST don’t you understand?”

“All of it.”

And… scene!

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bartender who knows his or her shit and can whip up some old school cocktails, but can we stop with this “mixologist” nonsense? If your main source of income comes in the form of tips you are not allowed to be an “ologist” of any sort. Your job description can include “tender” or “keep” but let’s stop pretending you work at NASA.

Be proud to be a bartender! You are among greats like Tom Cruise, Moe, the slutty whores of Coyote Ugly and Tammy. Stop in and see Tammy!

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26 comments so far

26 comments to “Mixologists!”

  1. Jeffon 21 Jul 2010 at 4:00 am

    Great link. Which bar patron are you?

    I’m guessing this one:


  2. Jeromeon 21 Jul 2010 at 7:37 am

    Thanks for the Tammy link. I now have my lifetime skank quota knocked out.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 21 Jul 2010 at 8:09 am

    Jeff – This is me. We got married at Marsha’s Wayside Inn. http://www.cubesplace.com/images/Mar-HitchedComp.jpg

  4. Paul from Saint Paulon 21 Jul 2010 at 10:48 am

    Tammy’s should branch out into creating its own fashion line. I can see a commercial empire, always expanding with “more to cum,” as the site promises.

  5. CDBon 21 Jul 2010 at 11:14 am

    I’m sorry. It wasn’t my fault though. The state of Washington liquor control board has this system where to serve alcohol of any kind you need a class 12 permit or a class 13 permit. There are 2 different permits to differentiate between waitresses just taking orders and bringing back drinks (13) and the bar tender pouring and mixing drinks (12). I don’t know who, but some looney decided 12 and 13 were too hard to tell apart, so they put “mixologist” on the class 12 permit. Even up there I was hesitant to ever pull that thing out and have someone read it and say, “~~~oooooooh, mixologist~~~” but now I live in CA where they let 12 yr old illegals serve cocaine in the cafeteria lunch line without any training whatsoever so if it ever comes down to it I can be known as a bar tender or keep.

  6. kenon 21 Jul 2010 at 12:13 pm

    That’s what we do now. We take normal stuff that’s played out and give it a new name, make it trendy and re-sell it to the same people who were tired of it before.

    Take an old-school Manhattan (bourbon & sweet vermouth) for instance, now use a small batch bourbon like say Woodford Reserve, throw in some flavored bitters, a touch of some other ancient garnish and voila, you have a new drink called a Chelsea or something. Even better if you use house-made specialty ice.

    I’m not kidding about the ice, that’s a thing now too.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 21 Jul 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Special ICE?!? I quit.

  8. kenon 21 Jul 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Yes, specialty ice. Don’t get me wrong, I really like the Chicago Classic Cubes you can get a Jewel that are as big as the alphabet blocks kids play with and are completely clear but those are only $3 for a 10 pound bag. If I have an ‘ice sommelier’ someday, I WILL quit.

    To be fair Listy, you really oughta point that keen, comic wit on sushi. I’ve tried several times to ‘get’ sushi and to me it will always be sticky rice with weird, mostly raw fish.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 21 Jul 2010 at 1:07 pm

    But I fucking LOVE sushi!!!

  10. kenon 21 Jul 2010 at 1:08 pm

    You asked for specialty ice? Actually you didn’t but I’ve providing this link anyway. Good to know ya, Listy.


  11. You Just Made My List!on 21 Jul 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Good lord. I can’t wait for global warming to kill us all.

  12. rachelon 21 Jul 2010 at 7:05 pm

    tammy DOES have a nice ass.

  13. Kathyon 21 Jul 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Can we also get rid of the pretentious term ‘barrista’ too?

  14. Hughon 21 Jul 2010 at 11:07 pm

    Hi, Listy. I’m a first-time poster, long-time reader. Just wanted to offer testimonial to Ken’s claim of specialty ice. A friend took me to a bar/restaurant in the Williamsburgh section of Brooklyn (an area rife with urban Howdy Doody types) where his friend is bartender. This guy comes in to work an hour early every day to cut cubes of ice 3 inches wide for one of their specialty drinks. Seems to me like a major waste of time, but it does make the drink look good.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jul 2010 at 7:22 am

    Hugh – Your friend’s friend needs to seriously rethink how his time is spent. I will be in Williamsburgh in about a month, I can’t wait to go Howdy Doody spotting.

  16. Kathyon 22 Jul 2010 at 7:48 am

    Listy, please tell me you’re coming to my neck of the woods for something other than Busch Gardens.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jul 2010 at 7:57 am

    Kathy – Wait, I think we are talking about different Williamsburghs, unless there is now a theme park in Brookyln. Right?

    I will be in Brooklyn to eat a giant steak at http://www.peterluger.com/

  18. Jonathanon 22 Jul 2010 at 9:00 am

    DUDE! You should meet up with all of your NYC-area fans when you’re here! I’d love to eat a steak at Peter Luger’s. We can call it List-Con 2010!

    PS: I hate when they add “Con” to something for a convention!

  19. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jul 2010 at 9:05 am

    I would love to meet all 3 of my fans.

  20. SanFranon 22 Jul 2010 at 9:51 am

    Two things: that “mixologist” – he’s wearing a fucking pinky ring. Who does that?

    on the topic of ice: my good buddy started a company a few years ago that is gaining a lot of traction – and pretty much started the ‘luxury ice’ market. Despite him being a good friend, and me being a skeptic, I have to admit, his ice does make a big difference – namely, it doesn’t dissolve immediately and dilute my bourbon, and it does look cool.

    Check it out: http://www.glace-ice.com/

  21. Wackeyasson 22 Jul 2010 at 11:12 am

    Okay so this is a site by a guy for guys and really cool girls right? If that is the case then why are we even talking about mixologists when all we really need is a beer or something straight up? These mixology tools are the ones that ignore you when you are trying to order something normal which makes them even bigger pricks. As for the ice issue I am Canadian and if I ever need ice I just step outside and scoop some up in the winter. If it happens to be summer I don’t want to have anything to do with ice since we just went through what seemed like 13 months of the stuff to begin with. Screw this, I am going to the beer store to pick up a case of warm beer and avoid ice and mixlogists all together.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jul 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Fine, I’ll start buying luxury ice! You happy now?

  23. Ericaon 22 Jul 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I LOOOOOVE ice! I want to buy a convenience store crushed ice machine to put next to my bed so I can have super ice at all times…day or night. Thanks Ken for the link to the awesome ice!!!

    Mixology…I am sure the term was created so the fucking bartenders can tell their families they are something other than a fucking bartender.

  24. SanFranon 23 Jul 2010 at 2:07 am

    “Mixologist” reminds me of “Sandwich Artist” (Subway)…

    extra cheese on that, please.

  25. You Just Made My List!on 23 Jul 2010 at 8:43 am

    I forgot about the sandwich artists. Please sculpt me a 5 dollar footlong.

  26. SuperSluton 23 Jul 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Woah woah woah. Hold up. You are all still carrying on about ice and sandwiches and pinky rings?? What gives? Didn’t anyone bother to peruse the link to Marsha’s Wayside Inn? Fuck Brooklyn, I say we all meet up at Marsha’s in St. Petersburg.