Sep 07 2010
Masturbating to pens!
Yeah, I masturbated to this novelty, disappearing clothes pen. Jealous?
I’m not proud of it (maybe a little) but it happened and I think we should all just acknowledge it and move on.
How was it that I found myself straining my eyes to masturbate to a tiny naked lady on an ink pen? That is a great question, thanks for asking. You see, the year was 1998, the Barenaked Ladies (ironically) topped the charts with their brilliant Canadian-comedy-pop-rap, Robin Williams turned the world of pediatrics on its red rubber balls with his touching portrayal of Patch Adams and thanks to pre-9/11 American bliss we were still innocent enough to masturbate to pens at work.
I was an optimistic young man working at a mid-sized company and occasionally I had a little extra time on my hands (ironically). Don’t get me wrong, I worked very hard (ironically) for this company but when I was between projects I had to literally stare at my desk. All you whippersnappers out there don’t know what it’s like to kill time at a job WITHOUT THE INTERNET but it was brutal!
Sure, I perfected the 20 minute walk around the office looking busy and the taking a nap sitting upright at my desk with my hand on the mouse (ironically) but that wasn’t always enough. Now, the following formula may seem foreign to you ladies but do your best to follow along…
Boredom + Time + Penis = Masturbation
The only unknowns in that equation are how and where. And in my case, which pen to bring along.
It was pretty simple really. I would bring my date, either the tall blonde in heels or the cute brunette with the big 70s bush, into the bathroom stall and quickly do my business. It had to be quick because the receptionist’s desk faced the entrance to the bathrooms and I’m sure she knew the time it took the average person to pee and/or poop. Any deviation from those two options would not go unnoticed so I really had to emulate the duration of a normal poo session. If someone walked into the bathroom while I was romancing myself I immediately ceased operations and switched to simulated pooping. It was the perfect plan.
Keep in mind, this only happened a couple times because usually I was too busy and the sadness of jerking off to a pen was not lost on me.
Deal with it.
I wacked it to a Snoopy pencil once.
That’s a heartwarming story enhanced by your confession to being a work pooper.
I’m surprised you admit to pooping considering how much you hate it.
I’m concerned that you people are not carefully reading every single brilliant word I write because at no point do I admit to actually pooping at work. My literary work is important but how can I continue if people are only skimming through my genius.
I was just about point out the same thing. Its like these perverts are obsessed with poop. Disgraceful.
This is just another reason why you are my king.
Ah, the work wank. When I was in high school, I didn’t need a novelty pen to romance myself. To think of how many hours were spent getting paid to wank. These days there are cameras everywhere.
I was too afraid to masturbate at school but you better believe I ran home and did it first thing after school.
Umm…. Alan, were you a teacher or a student at said school?
I’ve been on deadline for what feels like forever- so today I decided to slack off and catch up on some much deserved reading. Once again Listy thank- you for helping me make it through another day in Africa. From model pooh art to mustard museums- Listy. I salute you!
AFRICA?!? My important words are making it all the way to Africa? How does the internet work again? It’s tubes, right?
are these THE pens?
Yes, yes they are.
@Jeff- a student, no creepy teacher stuff, we had a physics teacher who did that though. And what I meant was that when I was high school aged, I would pass the time in that way rather than work at my job, raging hormones, you know. As for in school, you can guess that if I got the right glimpse down a blouse or up a skirt, I’d get myself a bathroom pass, again, raging teenaged hormones.
Haha, Indeed! The internet is truly a magical thing. You have even been the topic of conversation at parties on more than one occasion
You should come and visit, there is plenty of “list” worthy material here. Maybe when you go on your book tour?
Work poopers are the worst (I realize this does not include you, Listy, but the subject charts high on my list). They show up in the morning with a giant trough of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and then shit their brains out a half hour later, making the bathroom unusable for the rest of the employees. You know it’s going to be extra bad when the work pooper enters the john with reading material.
My husband told me the creepiest masturbation story ever…he works at a very prestigious internet search company and he walked into the bathroom to hear a guy moaning and polishing his trumpet. He said the worst part of it was the guy was also apparently pooping at the same time. God, men are just gross. Is there no where you won’t masturbate?? What about church? Or in an ambulance? Please god tell me why you must do this ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
Why do we masturbate all the time? Because having an orgasm rules! Why not do it all the time?
I’m doing it while i’m reading your comment, Baby.
The first time I saw a penis was on a disappearing clothes pen. I don’t think I found it masturbation-worthy though.
It was 7th grade; I was unimpressed.
So, Kasi…were you hot then?
I will admit right here, right now, that I have masturbated at work as well, sans pens. I have also masturbated while driving. Wow! It feels good to get that off of my chest.
Ugh, Listy. I think the only people who masturbate constantly are 12 year old boys and serial killers. Other than that, keep it confined to your own home. Sounds like you need to chat with your girlfriend…
My girlfriend masturbates more than me. It’s perfectly healthy.
Last year at work (I am a teacher and make a solid point of not jerking off at school), some of the sixth-grade boys brought a really hardcore European porn magazine (it had a binding like a book and was copyrighted 1994) to school and got caught passing it back and forth in the stalls in the bathroom. I got called in to interrogate them because of great embarrassment on the part of other staff. Immediately, one kid volunteered exuberantly, “I went first!” Just like a Little Listy, proud of skirting the public/private realms of masturbation. I had to quash his enthusiasm by introducing terms like discretion and privacy into the conversation, which I hastily ended by admonishing everyone for being so sloppy with porn – and silently praying that the Polaroid that fell out of the pages, featuring a gyno-shot of a woman with what appeared to be a transparent bike pump lodged in her vagina, was not a personal photo of one of the kids’ relatives. No, the principal would not allow me to keep the evidence.
So, Paul…were you hot then?
@alan – thanks for the clarification. It was the ‘cameras everywhere’ that made me wonder – ha ha.
And Listy – I think we need a post about work poopers so that we can express ourselves on the topic.
Pigdoor, I was so hot back in spring, 2010. They called me “Sizzle.” I think I’ve lost it.
Jeff, I think this work poop glossary has been circulating on several sites:
http://www.smellypoop.com/facts_about_poop.php
Just scroll down about 10% of the page, just after the question about vomiting poop.
Pigdoor (?),
I was not hot. I was lanky and had a permed mullet.
Paul-NICE! Kasi-NICE!
Yeah, fartface, I too have had a wank whilst driving, never around other cars/people though. Only on lonely highways/interstates. That does feel good to get off my chest.
What gives, Listy? It’s already a short week and we got cheated on Monday, I need my YJMML fix, (week)DAILY!
I know, I know. I had a late night and ran out of time. I suck. No wait, I rule!
Listy! You better start ranting about somthin soon or its hard spankins for you my brother!
Yesterday you write about porn pens, and this morning, on Failblog…
http://failblog.org/2010/09/08/epic-fail-photos-probably-bad-news-school-supply-fail/
Listy, are you a member of the communist party in Germany?
Erica: Sorry you find masturbation disturbing. I guess we’re all serial killers or 12 year old boys, or both.
OK, time to go rub one out.
I happy to learn pen porn is making a comeback!
The only thing that makes me sad about all this masturbation talk is that it reminds me that girls have a lack of good names for the act itself.
True, FF, guys have such a palette of terms for the old jerk and women, so few. I still hear new ones all the time.
there are plenty of women who masturbate in work and or public bathrooms…so i’ve heard. i’m off to tickle the ivories right now.
SuperSlut- You are SO , a dude. can’t fool me.
Ken – here are a few of my favorites for men:
Trumpet polishing
Making the bald man cry
Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump
Stroking your loaf
Boxing the bald headed clown
Straining the spaghetti
Cracking the shaft
Wonk your conker
Milk the one-uddered cow
Groom the wookie
And for women:
Buffing the box
Damming the beaver
Piddly diddler
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Frosting the muffin of love
Petting the kitty
Double clicking the mouse
But any way you slice it public masturbation is fucking weird.
Wonk the conker, is definatly my new fave. Going to get alot of use out of that one!! thanx Erica! !
pigdoor- i am SO a dude? why, because you SO want me and you only DO dudes?
Erica-
Some new ones in there (for me).
I’ve always liked:
Cracking the nut, rubbing one out, bopping the baloney and
(and for women)
flicking the bean, jilling off and bringing in a guest speaker (using a vibrator)
And as far as public play goes, as long as you’re not exposing yourself to minors or doing anything egregious, have fun. It’s not my cuppa tea but if you don’t get caught, who cares?
SuperSlut! Are you suggesting that I’m…?? Well I NEVER!!!!!!
Hey Listy, there onto you:
http://failblog.org/2010/09/08/epic-fail-photos-probably-bad-news-school-supply-fail/
I meant they’re, not there. Sorry.
“I got carpal tunnel from typing.”
“Yea, sure ya did.”
Honestly, I just call it “playing with myself” Oh forgive me
I’ve been calling it that since I was 7 Oh forgive me
With the advent of owning an iPhone the morning rub and tug at work is one of the best things in my day =D
Death – Kudos. The iPhone is really an underrated masturbation accessory.