Sep 10 2010

Mini pool tables!

Published by at 3:41 am under I Don't Get It

mini toy pool tables mini billiards

OK, if you are a female you might as well tune out right now because I think this might be a boys-only kind of rant. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is a me-only kind of rant. Who cares, I just suffered through an hour and a half of Project Runway and I’m cranky thanks to an accidental nap. I fucking hate naps.

Look, shut up for a second, all I’m trying to say is that when I was a kid I would stare at the toy section of the Sears catalog until my eyes would bleed and every year they would feature a mini pool table. I would stare at it and imagine myself setting up an entire room of mini pool tables in my basement, turning it into a dark and smoky mini billiards hall with mini Asian men gambling in the corner and mini blues musician types shooting pool and drinking Scotch while a mini George Thorogood bad-to-the-boned his way around the room. How could it not be great?

Well guess what, it was all a lie! If you want to see a child’s dreams die just watch them play miniature pool for the first time. Fuck you Sears!

Nobody cares. Why are you even reading this?

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25 comments so far

25 comments to “Mini pool tables!”

  1. Kathyon 10 Sep 2010 at 6:46 am

    Awww, Listy. There’s nothing like remembering the disappointment of childhood dreams to ruin your adult day. I remember the anticipation of getting a baby doll that wet “just like a real baby”. Poured water down her gullet and it pee’ed out the other end. Now, in hindsight, having had the real thing to feed and change, the water was far preferable. But, at the time, it was a big letdown.

    ps – the Easy Bake Oven ROCKED though. You could really eat those little cakes. Awesome!

  2. saraon 10 Sep 2010 at 7:35 am

    That stupid baby had just a tube for a digestive system. I had one that you mixed up baby food and it gradualy slitherd out the other end into the diaper. “It realy poops!” was the selling point for my 5 year old self. But the food just stuck to her insides and rotted and it stank to high hell….just like a real baby

  3. You Just Made My List!on 10 Sep 2010 at 7:49 am

    Maybe you can use my mini pool table as a changing table for your pissing and shitting dolls. Problem solved.

  4. pigdooron 10 Sep 2010 at 8:01 am

    When I was a kid I had a GIANT pool table, with balls the size bowling balls. And a baby that made real poop( that turned out to be a REAL baby.) Aahh that Sears catolog. What DIDN’T they have in there??

  5. Jeffon 10 Sep 2010 at 9:56 am

    Mini pool tables are for poor people who can’t afford full size ones.

    So now you don’t like poor people -what’s next?

  6. You Just Made My List!on 10 Sep 2010 at 9:58 am

    Jeff, nobody likes poor people.

  7. rachelon 10 Sep 2010 at 10:35 am

    at least he’s wearing full size slippers.

  8. Ericaon 10 Sep 2010 at 12:46 pm

    First off, who told this fucking kid it was OK to wear shants? Where is your rant about shants Listy? Either PANTS or SHORTS…there is no in-between that makes you look remotely good.

    As for the mini pool table, yes they suck a big banana. My sister and I had an air hockey table that RULED! I think my parents got it at Sears but maybe probably a garage sale. But it RULED!!!! Fuck pool.

  9. Jayon 10 Sep 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I was also obsessed with the toy section of the Sears catalog, the mini pinball machines were what I wanted most. Your basement fantasy reminds me of Bugsy Malone, I loved that movie as a kid.

  10. pigdooron 10 Sep 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Erica-I wear shorts that go at least to my knees. Surely your not suggesting that men look good in hot pants.

  11. kiddaon 10 Sep 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Does the loathing get more intense the smaller the table? Do the executive pool tables send you into fits of rage?

  12. You Just Made My List!on 10 Sep 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Kidda – Don’t EVEN get me started on executive toys!

  13. Tommyon 10 Sep 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I got obsessed with the lingerie section in the sear catalog when i was a kid

  14. pigdooron 10 Sep 2010 at 6:19 pm

    How big is that Executive table?

  15. pigdooron 10 Sep 2010 at 7:23 pm


  16. kiddaon 10 Sep 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Erm, I guess about 10 inches or so.

  17. pigdooron 10 Sep 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Wow, thats really small.

  18. kiddaon 10 Sep 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Executive toys are small enough to show that you are the fun guy in the office who will fuck around playing games. As long as those games are easy to hide under your desk when the boss comes round.

  19. kiddaon 10 Sep 2010 at 8:29 pm

    or gal, I’d imagine mostly guy though

  20. pigdooron 11 Sep 2010 at 3:04 am

    I love lesbian analingus porn. Press Like if you agree.

  21. pigdooron 11 Sep 2010 at 5:50 am

    Listy, where’s the new rant?? you having a bad week or what?

  22. pigdooron 11 Sep 2010 at 6:28 am

    Oh its saturday. Sorry nevermind.

  23. Fylleguppeon 11 Sep 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I’m glad you brought it up, it’s about time I tell someone my story. X-mas of 98′ ended up a complete and utter disappointment thanks to one of these. My dad had spent a fourtune on the de luxe model, which ment that I was more or less forced to at least use it once or twice. When I removed that gift wrap the first thing I noticed was that it was even smaller than it looked in the ad. Within the first hour my younger brother had already fractured one of the very fragile cue sticks. “This sucks” I thought to myself, but I wasn’t gonna let that completely ruin christmas. I imagined that, even though I didn’t enjoy playing it, I would still become an awesome pool player if I practiced hard enough on my shitty little table – I didn’t. I showed up in school two weeks later and realized that two weeks of mini pool playing had made me an even worse pool player.

    Mini pool, you ruined xmas.

    ps. I think this was my table:
    It should really come with a warning lable.

  24. You Just Made My List!on 11 Sep 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Fylleguppe – I’m sorry for your loss but I am happy at least one person understands how evil these pieces of shit are.

  25. Jackieon 12 Sep 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I remember when my parents decided to buy us one of those horrible 12 in 1 games where all the games were like a foot wide. I also remember the disappointment on all my friends faces when they came over and saw that my air hockey/ ping pong/ pool/ foosball tables were actually just one piece of shit