Sep 15 2010

SkyMall!

Published by at 3:13 am under Awesome!

SkyMall rules Sky Mall Magazine

Let me tell you something pal, if you say one negative thing about SkyMall I will hunt you down and I will cast a spell upon you with my Harry PotterĀ® magic wand! SkyMall fucking RULES!

I hate flying. I’m not afraid to fly but I hate everything about the process. I hate getting up early. I hate airports. I hate huge crowds of cranky people dressed in their finest sweatsuits. But mostly I hate how cramped, uncomfortable and boring sitting on an airplane is. There is only ONE thing that I look forward to… the SkyMall catalog.

I’m not kidding, slowly soaking up every page is one of life’s purest joys. Forget your shitty wedding and the birth of your dumb kids, SkyMall trumps them all.

There is an art to reading SkyMall and when done properly it can easily provide two or more hours of entertainment. Only an amateur asshole would start flipping through the glorious pages of SkyMall while still sitting on the runway. Idiots. A connoisseur knows to wait until about 30 minutes into the flight, right about the time you begin to level off. Believe me, I know how hard it is to fight the temptation to sneak a peek before takeoff but you MUST fight it!

After about 30 minutes you are free to begin your journey through the greatest products known to man. I like to spend about five minutes just staring at the cover. This is like the foreplay or the romance, if you will. I think about how excited the inventor of the Floating Bar must have been when he learned he was that month’s cover product. Chills.

On the flight to my destination I like to spend most of my time concentrating on the photos, this way I can enjoy all of the product descriptions on my way back. This technique should give you about an hour of bliss on each flight. Smart.

I sit there and imagine how good my life would be if I just had some unsightly pipe to cover with a plastic rock or some snow to rake. Damn it, these people are so lucky! I wonder how I make it through the day without my own Indiana Jones leather bullwhip and why I have never thought to use a propane torch to kill weeds. I fantasize about the looks on my dumb friend’s faces when they are startled by my awesome garden statue and the girth of my incredible noodle. They are going to be so jealous, I hate them. But nothing makes me happier than this (you still have time to buy me one for Christmas).

You are probably wondering what the Holy Grail of SkyMall aficionados might be. I will tell you but I might get a little emotional in the process. Ahab had Moby Dick, Don Quixote had windmills but my white whale has yet to show itself in my presence. The day I get on a plane for my return flight and discover a new issue of SkyMall, not yet available on my previous flight, waiting for me in the seat pocket… I’m sorry but thinking about it right now has me in tears. That day will be the best day of my life.

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29 comments so far

29 comments to “SkyMall!”

  1. Jeffon 15 Sep 2010 at 4:11 am

    I, too, love SkyMall – and you even put up a pic of my favorite SkyMall ‘character’ (with the blue pillow). Every time I fly I swear I’m going to buy one of those…

  2. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 6:40 am

    I have never seen this Sky Mall. It has never occured to me to board a plain, as I do not have the same travaling limitations as humans do. it certainly looks to be a cornicopia of ingenius esential fine quality products. Perhaps even to rival the Sears catalog. I should really like to see more of this, Listy you must post more pics!

  3. saraon 15 Sep 2010 at 7:47 am

    “I do not have the same travaling limitations as humans do” -pigdoor

    is pigdoor saying he can fly?

    Also listy I’m surprised you never considered using a propane torch to kill weeds, wasp nests, ant hills, the neighbors hideous sunflowers that just collapes into my yard.

  4. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 8:59 am

    Liiiiisty, Who’s my favorite little guy??

  5. HMon 15 Sep 2010 at 10:07 am

    The only review so far for the “Drib” is from a female? What self-respecting female not only orders this product, but then writes a review acknowledging said purchase?

  6. kenon 15 Sep 2010 at 10:09 am

    LOVE SkyMall!

    I bought one of those crescent-shaped plush pillows through SkyMall and it works well on long flights and in the car too.

    It wasn’t a SkyMall purchase but I did buy a pair of noise-canceling headphones at an airport Brookstone about five years ago. At the time, even I thought it was an impulse buy and my wife predicted that I’d never use them. Five years later, I still use ’em all the time (mowing the lawn, other flights) and the couple whose wedding we were attending when I bought them have gotten divorced.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 15 Sep 2010 at 11:33 am

    HM – I didn’t even think to look at the reviews for The Drib! Good lord, it’s the least sexy thing I have ever read. “I don’t even have to worry about eating ice cream :)” What?!?!

    Ken – I have always thought about getting some, maybe a should bite the bullet.

    Pigdoor – I’m assuming me.

  8. Jonathanon 15 Sep 2010 at 12:54 pm

    The lady who wrote that review really needs to lay off the apostrophes. Yike’s!!!

  9. kenon 15 Sep 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Listy-

    I seriously LOVE those noise-canceling headphones, especially for air travel, they completely block the airplane hum. And they make them even better now. Go for it.

  10. Ericaon 15 Sep 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Pigdoor – please, please learn to spell or get a dictionary:

    It is PLANE not PLAIN as in “that bagel is plain”
    Traveling – not Travaling. You do not Traval somewhere.
    Cornucopia – NOT cornIcopia…
    Essential – 2 ss’s in that one buddy.

    When that red line shows up under the word on here it means you have misspelled it. Listy made that even easier for you.

    Listen, if you are going to fuck with everyone on here at least fucking spell your insults correctly.

  11. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Erica…Ok?? everyone already nose the pigdoor can’t spell . i’m not ashamed of it, and if pointing it out makes u feel superior, Have at it. I WANT you two feel good about yourself, I do. But you must realize that even the uneducated have opinions and we are entitled to make them known, just as much as u r little miss smarty pants. So get over yourself and you will realize that i matter more than you. And after all I’m not even human, this communication with WORDS is very new to me…..Oh Yeah, and Shut up Erica.

  12. calebon 15 Sep 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Erica – i so thought he was going to call you a ‘botard’.

    Pigdoor – what IS a botard anyway? by the way, i’m a spelling nazi also, but i kinda like your wacky sentence/thought structure.

  13. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Oh yeah…Erica, your a Botard. thanks caleb

  14. Skymall Flanderson 15 Sep 2010 at 5:16 pm

    What I like to do is take a pen and add my commentary on the pages of Skymall, so the next guy can enjoy my snark!

    I also like to do the crossword puzzle on Horizons like some lunatic was doing a crossword puzzle.

  15. Ericaon 15 Sep 2010 at 6:27 pm

    It is “you’re” a botard. It is the contraction of YOU ARE. Contractions are like 1st or 2nd grade curriculum. My 5 year old knows how to use them for god’s sake!!

  16. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Oh I get it now, “You’re” a fat chick arent you Erica? Yeah, the air of intelectual superiority, the condisending spelling corrections, the exessive use of the F word. It all smacks of over compensation, for physical inferiority. THAT equals FAT chick. its ok Erica we all know that your intelect is far superior to anyone elses, as is your opinion of yourself. I AM sorry for what u must have gone through in your life, that makes u want to lash out at me. If only u would give me a chance to LOVE you for who you are, instead of pushing me away…If I had figured it out earlier I would have THANKED you for helping me to better myself. But Erica being full of fat is not a bad thing, it’s being full of yourself that makes u less of a person..sad really….Don’t bother to correct my spelling this time, as i’ve intentionally been misspelling all along, just to lure u in. I hope my words have brought u comfort, My sweet.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 15 Sep 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Skymall – I love the crossword puzzle idea but HOW DARE YOU DEFACE SKYMALL?!? I almost fainted when I read that.

  18. Kathyon 15 Sep 2010 at 8:12 pm

    The few times I fly, I leave the SkyMall catalog totally dog-eared with the essentials of basic living that I can’t live without. I want the Skyrest Travel Pillow. For the car.

    But, you know, when I saw “World’s Thickest Noodle”, I totally thought of something else.

  19. Ericaon 15 Sep 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Back on topic, I remember when you used to have to purchase your items in-flight…that was weird! I remember the stewardess coming over and taking my credit card info for some hunk of crap I didn’t need! But it was better reading than the stupid Golf Digest left in the pocket in front of me!! Why does no one ever leave behind a People mag or US Weekly? It is like a doctor’s waiting room from 1985.

  20. pigdooron 15 Sep 2010 at 8:47 pm

    Or how about a copy of Bon appetit, hey Tons o fun??

  21. lolaon 15 Sep 2010 at 9:21 pm

    If I had known about Skymall I would have been saved countless hours of monotonous flight! I have to force myself to go to sleep so I don’t die of boredom before the plane goes down. I find flying so boring I actually pay attention to the “Flight Attendants” when they start doing those funky hand signals. 5 min after that… Zonk! I’m out! Wake me up when the peanuts come around.
    I could have been looking at all the cool things I could never afford!

  22. Paul from Saint Paulon 15 Sep 2010 at 10:44 pm

    What do you suppose the lapdog-to-sofa staircase will set you back? I’ve wanted one ever since I found out that the real-life Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island had one installed next to her bed so that her tiny dog Dusty could climb up into bed when Mrs. Howell was infirm and could no longer get out of it. I am already planning ahead. Also, Natalie Schafer, the actress whom I suspect was more or less playing herself as Lovey Howell, reportedly left well over a hundred grand to the dog on her passing. I am making less headway on that goal, so I’m now just shooting for the staircase, which I would decoupage, maybe with images of the castaways. Especially the Honey Bees:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EgE6PbBEIc

  23. Stephon 15 Sep 2010 at 11:07 pm

    “Tons of fun”… too funny.

  24. Stephon 16 Sep 2010 at 1:17 am

    Skywall for me is AWESOME!

  25. You Just Made My List!on 16 Sep 2010 at 8:23 am

    Paul – Thank god the professor was able to power record players with coconuts.

    Luckily for you, there are about 100 variations of dog stairs available in SkyMall.

  26. mikeon 16 Sep 2010 at 11:27 am

    when I read the review of the drib I like to imagine she is a young, petite, sophisticated business woman dressed in a sexy j crew pencil skirt and blouse, who just happens to love greasy 12” hoagies and GOTTA HAVE IT! sized waffle cones from Cold Stone. Ahh, I love Drib reviewer, marry me.

  27. Jackieon 16 Sep 2010 at 8:47 pm

    skymall is literally the reason i fly. k maybe not, but i fly transatlantic at least once a month and, even though its been pretty much the same magazine since the wright brothers flew, i still always look forward to reading it.

  28. Nameless L.O.S.T. Extra - Soon deadon 13 Feb 2011 at 3:58 am

    I was gonna argue till I saw the words “Floating bar… with chair.” Because one needs to be able to take a seat… while swimming. …?

  29. […] I Love Sky Mall http://www.youjustmademylist.com/?p=5176 […]