Oct 05 2010

Naps!

Published by at 3:40 am under Why?!?

I hate naps, napping

Bullshit.

What’s worse than taking a nap? Not taking a nap! At least that’s how it feels at the time. And therein lies the dilemma, the catch-22, the reason I KNOW there is no God!

I hate naps. I HATE NAPS! I hate naps and yet I can’t stop myself from falling under their spell. It’s like naps are a super hot naked girl with every possible STD coursing through her perfect body and I’m the guy who says, “Well, I don’t have a condom but… maybe just a little oral, anal and vaginal sex. Possibly some needle sharing. What the heck, I’ll go ahead and drink some blood while I’m at it.”

I’m powerless when faced with the cozy, couchy siren song of naps. I think to myself, “This time it will be better. This time I won’t wake up wanting to murder my own family.” But no, I have never woken from a nap feeling anything other than miserable… miserable, confused, hot, cranky, angry, bewildered, sweaty, demoralized and filled with regret. I wake with my heart pounding and dullness that can only be described as abhorrent.

Oh, and look out world when I start my nap in daylight and awake to total darkness.

I would rather spend an entire day with Guy Fieri listening to Zoot Suit Riot than take a nap.

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33 comments so far

33 comments to “Naps!”

  1. Amy Louiseon 05 Oct 2010 at 5:43 am

    I hate them too Listy!!
    I also wake up cranky as hell! When I wake up from a nap I feel like a coma patient that has just realised that the last 40 years of her life have been spent feeding on a tube and pissing in a bag! I HATE NAPS!!

  2. Jim Joneson 05 Oct 2010 at 6:14 am

    When I take a nap at work I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go. Maybe it’s the fact of getting paid to sleep that makes me feel so good?

  3. Jeffon 05 Oct 2010 at 6:32 am

    I cannot understand your aversion. 15 minute naps are manna from heaven for old men like us.

  4. saraon 05 Oct 2010 at 7:34 am

    Naps are dificult, If I’m going to nap I need to take the day off to work around it. It usualy involves drinking early watching simpsons commentary ordering chinese for lunch and passing out knowing no one will be home to bother me for at least 2-3 hours.

    Thats my time MY TIME!

    I get to do this about once a year. Its the only time durring the year I can watch porn to.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 05 Oct 2010 at 8:02 am

    The Simpsons, Ask This Old House and People’s Court are shows that always make me want to nap. There’s something about the way they turn off my brain that instantly makes my eyelids heavy.

  6. calebon 05 Oct 2010 at 9:55 am

    i’ll never understand people who say they actually feel refreshed and alert after taking a nap. i always feel like a zombie for hours afterward.

    that said, if you don’t actually have anything to do with the rest of your day, a nap can be enjoyable. i don’t mind feeling like a zombie as long as i’m alone. usually i’ll take a nap in the evening after work, wake up about 8 and just think to myself “screw it” and go back to sleep – then i’ll wake up and be totally wide awake at about 2am and end up watching the Cutlery Corner on the home shopping network. am i the only person into watching those rednecks try to sell cheap knives? it’s hypnotic.

  7. SanFranon 05 Oct 2010 at 12:47 pm

    I like the concept of a nap, just not the practical application… nor is it to be confused with that blissful ‘couch sleep’ that my dad used to call ‘pre-sleep’, in the evening hours before bed…

    But, the bottom line, a nap leaves me feeling like ass. If I actually fall into momentary deep sleep, stick a fork in me because my day is DONE. I wake up slightly nauseous, and in need of coffee, which will then keep me up too late, and the vicious cycle repeats.

    I’m with you, Listy. Fuck naps. Naps are for fuckers, and crybabies.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 05 Oct 2010 at 1:13 pm

    SanFran – Naps or for the fuckiest fuckers ever. Just talking about them is upsetting me.

  9. wackeyasson 05 Oct 2010 at 2:37 pm

    The trick is to get it in early in the day. I try to put mine in as soon as I get into work so I fool myself into thinking I only got up to take a piss and then it is back to sleep for me until the boss comes in. I have one of those cubes at work with a door so as soon as I step in it is off with the pants and into the nap. I still wake up hating everyone but half that blame lies with the location that I wake in.

  10. Paul from Saint Paulon 05 Oct 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Naps are bliss.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 05 Oct 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Naps are piss(ing me off)

  12. Paul from Saint Paulon 05 Oct 2010 at 6:41 pm

    You sound cranky. Maybe we should set you down for a nap.

  13. kenon 05 Oct 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Keep trying, Listy. You will get better at them. And if you ever procreate, naps are a MUST. I used to hate them too but HAD to take them due to becoming a father. I’d be dead without naps, even though they’re only successful 50% of the time and I too make up wanting to kill everybody on earth.

  14. Nikkion 05 Oct 2010 at 10:06 pm

    I just read your entire blog over the course of a few days, and I love it! Just wanted to say that first.
    Secondly, yes, naps are just about the worst things ever. I just took one today actually. When I wake up from a nap, I’m crabby and completely useless for about an hour. Yet, I manage to fall asleep at least once during the day.
    GAH.

  15. Stephon 05 Oct 2010 at 10:33 pm

    What about the nap you take whan it’s about 55 degrees outside and the window is open? You don’t have to go to work that day, so the whole damn day is yours. It’s raining outside, and there’s a bit of thunder. You’ve got a PBS cooking show on in the background (yes, I said PBS). To me, all of that is like a fucking valium. I wake up horny and ready to take on the day!

  16. Jayon 06 Oct 2010 at 2:28 am

    I try to avoid naps as well, messes up the flow of my day. 8 hours of sleep in one shot is the way to go if possible.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 8:30 am

    Nikki – Welcome. I’m glad you were able to find my awesomeness.

    Steph – PBS definitely hypnotizes me but it doesn’t make me horny. Well, maybe Antiques Roadshow, a little.

  18. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Antique Roadshow is the best nap/valium EVER! Why do you keep saying shit that makes me love you more?

  19. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 10:22 pm

    I might be a little horny for that guy or guys or gays that appraise the shit that people show up with. I really get worked up before the reveal. Something might be wrong with me. FUCK. I need a nap.

  20. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 10:30 pm

    You mean the twins?

  21. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Yes, I do.

  22. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 10:35 pm

    http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&expIds=17259,17291,22881,26714,26807&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&q=antique+roadshow+twins&cp=19&wrapid=tljp1286422414564130&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=lj-tTKbeEoG88gaHsLmODw&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=4&sqi=2&ved=0CC4QsAQwAw&biw=1259&bih=823

    I would marry them if I were a guy.

  23. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Jesus, that last link was a bit excessive…sorry.

  24. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:05 pm

    I told you I needed a fucking nap.

  25. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Does that mean taking a nap while having sex?

  26. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Hmmmmmmm. I never nap during sex…unless it’s shitty sex.

  27. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 11:42 pm

    I like to catch up on my reading during sex.

  28. Stephon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is good and sexual. What do you like?

  29. Stephon 07 Oct 2010 at 12:00 am

    Tell me what you like to read during shitty sex. I’m going to guess. Is it: Catcher in the Rye? Cherry Magazine, anything by Dickens? Amaze me.

  30. Stephon 07 Oct 2010 at 12:01 am

    Goodnight Listy.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 07 Oct 2010 at 8:13 am

    SkyMall

  32. Stephon 07 Oct 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Okay, SkyMall is the best shit EVER! I also watch QVC. Don’t hate me. I also watch shitty infomercials. Yes, I do. What the fuck is wrong with me? I also do crap yoga at 5:30 a.m. (I have really bad insomnia). It’s called Wai Lana Yoga. She has the most monotone, but beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. I’m sore from her. I defy you to do her yoga!

  33. Interactive TV ads!on 11 Oct 2010 at 3:21 am

    […] I’m watching “Check Please” on PBS, trying to fight the urge to nap, when all of a sudden Comcast is nice enough to offer me a chance to pledge $40 with my remote […]