Oct 06 2010

Old security guards!

Published by at 3:36 am under Why?!?

old man elderly security guard

Understand something from the git go, I LOVE old people. If I’ve waited in line at the post office for 20 minutes and just as it’s my turn an old lady hobbles past everyone and walks right up to the counter I’m overjoyed. I’m being serious, I love it.

Good for you old people! You’ve been through enough shit and don’t need to be wasting your last few precious moments waiting in some bullshit line with a bunch of assholes checking their email on their cell phones. You don’t even know what email is and you could not care less that I currently have a score of 40,572 in “Cat Physics” on my iPhone. Although, to be fair, I worked really hard on that score, old people, and you should at least acknowledge it, especially if I’m letting you cut in line at the post office and drive 6 MPH in front of me on the road. Would it kill you to just say “Good job sonny” and take an interest in something I like for a change?

Having said that, old people should not be guarding the bank. I’m guessing the security guard at my bank was born around 1835 but he doesn’t look a day over 130! When I walked in the bank today I was trying to figure out why a guard’s uniform was sitting on top of a pile of dusty meat in the corner and then I realized it was just the guard.

God bless the guy, but forget about him running across the room to karate kick a pistol out of the hands of a robber. At best, this guy might be able to muster up a cranky glare or a disapproving “Hmmmpfff.”

So, I think I’ve made myself clear… old people acting selfish = awesome. Old people with guns = my vast fortune getting robbed.

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14 comments so far

14 comments to “Old security guards!”

  1. 8bitheroon 06 Oct 2010 at 5:22 am

    I love the old people security program.

    Should I decide to actually commit a crime, I like knowing that the only thing stopping me from escaping is a good hip check to a shambling near-corpse.

    Knock Harold to the ground and their last line of defense is completely obliterated!

    Do businesses think that some sort of respect for the elderly is going to inhibit the criminal activity of people?

  2. saraon 06 Oct 2010 at 7:24 am

    Having worked in the security buisness myself I can assure you nothing is safe. There are two types of people in security. Old people, because it is a job where you can just sit around. And Stoners because you can smoke on the job (hey you know where all the security cameras are)

    There were the occasional over the top vigilantes who took it WAY to seriously but were usualy fired within a month for frisking a 15 year old girl at the hot topic or something.

  3. Paul from Saint Paulon 06 Oct 2010 at 7:33 am


    Scroll down to the first video which shows Bill Murray’s bank-robbing clown’s confrontation with an old security guard. He’s great. In the rest of the movie, he tells progressively greater fish tales about how he fought off the robber.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 8:37 am

    Paul – Believe it or not, I actually saw that movie in the theater.

  5. SanFranon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:25 am

    I need to send you a photo of the relic that guards the store & manages the parking lot at a local building supply business here in San Francisco. The man is super nice, but possibly a stroke victim, and he’s got a 9mm sidearm at the ready.

    A few weeks ago, a guy, stolen merchandise in-hand, bolted out of the store while I was waiting in line, hopped in his waiting 80’s vintage Range Rover, and tore ass out of the parking lot. About 4 minutes later, the security guard came hobbling as fast as he could with his bum leg – only to scratch his head in confusion as the owner was asking if he got the license plate #.

  6. SanFranon 06 Oct 2010 at 11:26 am

    oh, and Listy… “I was trying to figure out why a guard’s uniform was sitting on top of a pile of dusty meat in the corner”

    Brilliant! Thanks for a much-needed chuckle. I dare say I LOL’d!

  7. Randysavageon 06 Oct 2010 at 8:12 pm

    This has nothing to do with this post BUT it’s fucking outrageous. I was busy surfing the interweb and found the Kid Rock cruise. Yep, people pay fucking money to be stuck on a boat listening to “picture” and “cowboy” live with that cockjob in the flesh. If that shit ain’t post-worthy then nothing is.

  8. You Just Made My List!on 06 Oct 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Randy – HUH? WHA? HOW? HUH? Does it cost extra to bang Pam Anderson?

  9. Randysavageon 07 Oct 2010 at 1:09 am

    Free sex to any man with the sack to battle hep. Btw heard Guy fieri is the ships captain.

  10. Rich Don 13 Oct 2010 at 10:26 am

    LMSAO. Nail on the head. Reminds me of… 1978. Mall. Jewelry store. Really old guy with a revolver. We were like, 14?, and every time we’d walk past whilst doing our mall rat rounds, out of my friend’s mouth, in a very low voice just for me to hear…

    “…. nooo bulleeeets…….”

    Translation: ‘he’s SO freakin’ old they don’t allow him to have bullets’……

    Using Old People for security has been going on for a long, long time….

  11. Fartfaceon 15 Oct 2010 at 6:57 pm


    The new Kix logo sucks too!

  12. Melissaon 22 Oct 2010 at 3:57 pm

    I love you youjustmademylist guy.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 22 Oct 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Melissa – It is I who loves you.

  14. Melissaon 23 Oct 2010 at 5:19 pm

    This is so romantic.