Oct 15 2010

Opening jars for girls!

Published by at 3:35 am under Awesome!

opening jars for girls, jar openers

Want to know what to get me for Christmas? Just ask me to open a jar for you.

Nothing makes me happier than to hear “Can you open this jar for me?” You might as well have just asked me if I want to have a threesome, it’s that awesome.

There are so few chances in modern society to prove your dominance (I mean worth) as a man and, sadly, opening a jar for a female in distress is just about all that is left. Helping the cute girl in the office figure out how to add clip art to her PowerPoint presentation doesn’t quite give me the boner that opening a jar does. In my mind, hearing that little lid pop is not unlike killing a water buffalo with my bare hands.

This activity does not come without pitfalls however. As I approach my prey there’s always that nagging thought in the back of my mind saying “What if this is the jar I can’t open?” Luckily for you girls I will work a jar lid until my hands bleed, I will never give up and I will never fail. Yeah that’s right, if Hulk Hogan and Clint Eastwood had a baby and it was eaten by a gorilla, I would be that gorilla.

FYI, ask me to get something down from a high shelf and there’s a 98% chance we will be making love right there on the kitchen floor.

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20 comments so far

20 comments to “Opening jars for girls!”

  1. Steveon 15 Oct 2010 at 3:51 am

    If you ever do get to the point where it’s impossible to open the jar, try running it under hot water.

    Just saying.

  2. Fartfaceon 15 Oct 2010 at 6:35 am

    You’re a regular Rubber Husband!

  3. Paul from Saint Paulon 15 Oct 2010 at 7:39 am

    My grandma taught me to pound the sides of the lid with the blunt end of a knife before opening. The effect is miraculous; just don’t tell the ladies you want to impress.

  4. saraon 15 Oct 2010 at 7:44 am

    If you bang the lid on a hard surface in two different places it pops right off. But I don’t tell my husband I know this.

    I meekly hand it over giving a shy smile and my husband pumps his guns and tears the lid off ….they we have hot monkey sex on the counter.

    so, yes we apreciate it on many levels to

  5. You Just Made My List!on 15 Oct 2010 at 8:28 am

    OK, OK, enough of these so-called “tips” to open a jar. None of this hot water or banging the lid nonsense, just ask me to open it for you. I don’t use parlor tricks!

    And ladies, please don’t take a big shit on our important accomplishments in the jar opening arts buy saying “I loosened it for you.” Just let us have this one thing, OK?

  6. calebon 15 Oct 2010 at 9:36 am

    that is a hilarious photo – nothing like an old guy in sweat pants hiked up over his navel enjoying some pickles.

  7. rachelon 15 Oct 2010 at 10:23 am

    my husband makes me say “I need a big, strong man” when i summon him to open a jar, light the bbq or ask him to retrieve that missing sock from behind the washing machine. it’s VERY cute.

  8. rachelon 15 Oct 2010 at 10:23 am

    PS i want DICK CHENEY to open MY pickles!

  9. HMon 15 Oct 2010 at 10:36 am

    Is that guy wearing a tie with his sweats? I really hope so!

  10. saraon 15 Oct 2010 at 3:37 pm

    he IS wearing a red tie! And I think he’s using that 3rd chin for leverage

  11. Paul from Saint Paulon 15 Oct 2010 at 10:21 pm

    He is not wearing a tie, but I believe that he is using one, perhaps silken, to help unscrew the lid.

    I will wait patiently for the tie/sweatpants combo until I break and have to do it myself. I need to remember to tuck the shirt into the sweats, as shown above.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 16 Oct 2010 at 9:57 am

    Paul – Of course you should tuck your shirt into your pants, it’s the classy adult way.

  13. Kathyon 16 Oct 2010 at 10:21 am

    Listy, I can’t reach that jar of chocolate sauce on my top shelf….

  14. You Just Made My List!on 16 Oct 2010 at 10:24 am

    I’ll be right there. Whoops, I forgot to wear a shirt.

  15. Stephon 16 Oct 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Hmmmmm….I need a guy to get rid of roaches for me. Living in Texas, we have gigantic bird-like fucking roaches! Especially this time of year. They scare the living shit out of me. They’re really fast and scary, and some of them fly. My sweetie eliminates them for me. I told him not to kill them, but to capture them and put them outside. I really think he grabs paper towels and squashes them and puts them in the trash. I don’t don’t know, at least they’re gone. He’s also great at opening jars. He kinda has Popeye forearms.

  16. Amy Louiseon 18 Oct 2010 at 7:09 am

    I <3 you Listy!
    Saving girls from straining their pretty little hands- one nasty peanut butter jar at a time- you are a true gentleman ^_^

  17. Daveon 18 Oct 2010 at 7:42 pm

    My roomate (woman) was making breakfast burritos the other weekend- I (the big strong man) could not get the salsa jar to frickin open. She say’s “poke it with a knife”- “A knife? That sounds kind of danger..” and before I can finish the sentence, she unleashes a barrage of holes into the top of that thing like it was holding a suffocating bunny. It was then I realized those burritos were going to be ‘awesome’ or I was going to get the salsa jar treatment.

  18. Tommyon 19 Oct 2010 at 11:48 am

    Sounds like you blew it dave

  19. tofu_womanon 05 Dec 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Try sticking in the knife tip under the lid and twist it- just enough for the air to get in, and you’ll hear a pop- works every time for me. Or do you dudes prefer twisting the lid indefinitely?

  20. You Just Made My List!on 05 Dec 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Tofu – I prefer using my incredible man strength.