Sep 16 2008

“Baby’s First Headgear” baby helmets!

Published by at 3:00 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?


Let me quickly explain what “Baby’s First Headgear” is before you think I’m ragging on kids who actually NEED helmets for various legitimate reasons. This ridiculous piece of shit is for normal, healthy babies who are simply learning to walk. HUH?

My friend who brought this crime against baby humanity to my attention told me she has even seen kids wearing fucking knee pads while learning to walk. WHAT? Have we all gone insane? No wonder there are people in this country who think Sarah Palin is “spunky and fun.”

Listen, I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall but come on, helmets for healthy babies? Kids get hurt. Kids eat dirt. Kids touch things that are hot. Guess what, all that stuff is good for them. You know how I learned to NOT touch the stove? By touching the stove, once.

When I grew up in the 70s daily life was like running through a maze of knives and fire. My grade school’s playground equipment was tall, metal and sat on top of nice hard cement. Like most kids in my school I broke a bone when I tumbled to the concrete at recess. I spent most of my childhood falling from trees, crashing my bike, getting fishing hooks stuck in my face and most summer days I could be found with at least one of my body parts on fire. AHHHH, the good old days. I’m not kidding, it was fucking awesome. I also learned how to deal with stuff because my parents never made a big deal out of anything.

I’m sorry but helmets for healthy babies are ri-fucking-diculous. Life is dangerous and to be alive means to occasionally get hurt, babies included.

I need to punch something. Not a baby.

*Update: This ought to make all you helmet parents pass out…

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124 comments so far

124 comments to ““Baby’s First Headgear” baby helmets!”

  1. leanneon 15 Jul 2011 at 8:31 pm

    My oldest sock is in Japan. My second oldest is at a friends house (I am about to pick her up so we can go out) . My second youngest is playing on the table beside me and my youngest sock is asleep in my arms. Dick head. You are a waste of space. You are obviously one of those human garbage who has no life and wants to take it out on everyone else. You sit on a computer all day and pick fights with anyone who will bite. Because your life is so shit you have nothing better to do. Go get a life or do the world a favour and end your pitiful existence.

  2. You Just Made My List!on 15 Jul 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Will you marry me? I want to adopt your socks. Well, not the Japanese sock, he sounds weird.

  3. Jenaon 14 Aug 2011 at 11:14 pm

    Here’s another safety concern for those parents who do “everything” (though I doubt it) to keep their children safe.

    You remember those kids on Halloween who were wearing bright outfits already but their parents insisted on covering every inch of them in reflective tape, covering their costume up with an extra sweater, etc…? Well, they were safe from the cars and the wind but they got their ASSES kicked by children who didn’t have to wear that crap. You can say that’s terrible and “Oh my gosh, those awful bullies – I would call the principal and have them sent to juvie immediately!” but that doesn’t change the fact that they WILL get picked on by these kids at least once. Just an extra “safety concern” to consider.

    Also, as an adult I’m not sure I could breed with someone who wore a helmet as a kid and saw nothing wrong with that. So in a way, I guess it’s a good thing because these parents’ genetic lines will eventually come to an end.

    And as a PS, for all of you who think that a biking helmet or carseat is comparable to a walking helmet, I have some historical research for you: cars and bikes are human inventions whereas walking is a natural thing that all mammals do and that we, as a species, have done for thousands of years. I realize humans do it poorly at first, and one kid like TOTALLY ACTUALLY DIED one time, but it has happened forever and will happen again in the future.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 14 Aug 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Jena – You are making me want to breed with you!

  5. Jenaon 29 Aug 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Our spawn would rule the world!

  6. WTFon 02 Oct 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I am in shock! I will do anything that will keep my baby safer and decrease her chances of a brain injury. My daughter will wear the helmet (not in public) for the first few weeks until she gets use to walking and climbing around. I agree that kids need to learn things on their own and scratches and bumps are apart of that, but a chance of a minor head injuries is something I can easily prevent. It is disturbing to think that you have children. As a parent it is your responsibility to raise your children as best you can, and to keep them as safe as possible! The helmet is a great way to ensure that your baby is not going to slip and slice her head open on the coffee table. (Which in my family has happened dozens upon dozens of times with all 18 cousins). This is not and ideal world but we can do our best to make it safe!
    I’m guessing your the type that also thinks its ridiculousness to recycle, and by organic!

  7. You Just Made My List!on 03 Oct 2011 at 3:35 am

    WTF – Do you find your own parents to be “disturbing” because they did not put you in a helmet?

  8. mom of 2on 21 Oct 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Obviously for the moms being so rude about the topic its not about the child living in a bubble their whole life. My daughter never had me worried a tad and crawled and walked without me having to fear of her falling, yes she took a couple of spills but nothing to cause me to bubble wrap the entire house. My son who is now 8 months will stand up and not know his balance structure therefore falling back on his head or forehead, and mind you we have tile floors. Im sure if you have ever fallen is doesnt feel to good, also just to throw in there my niece who is 5 weeks older than my son just recieved two fractures in her skull from falling after she stood up,which was only maybe half a foot. But……………were over protective right? Ok, call us what you want but when your child or a child you know dies or becomes severely injured from something that could have been prevented dont say no one didnt tell you. And i yes i think the helmets look tacky what mother wouldnt, and of course my child wouldnt be crawling around wal mart so there we be no use outside of our home! Quit with the name calling and bashing, to each their own but at least rule out all possible outcomes! Tile vs carpet, at least theres some padding.

  9. mom of 2on 21 Oct 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Oh yes and before someone says anything ugly also, my child WILL not be a helmet til hes 99, geez its only until i can assure myself he has some balance and wont bust his head open! Some people really go all out and object to everything, thats fine, but like i said before to each their own, if you want to deal with your baby in the ER getting their head sutured or even worse bleeding internally, well let kids be kids right? I also agree with the other moms, yes we all fall and get bruises and what not, but if it can be somewhat prevented why not? Im prettyt sure you buckle your kids in the car right? Last i checked we didnt have seat belts either but maybe im too protective….ehh.. :/

  10. You Just Made My List!on 21 Oct 2011 at 4:41 pm

    mom of 2 – Do you really think comparing learning to walk to driving a two ton machine that travels down the road at high speed with other two ton machines makes any sense at all? I guess all those BILLIONS of parents who allow their kids to grow up without helmets are simply bad parents.

  11. mom of 2on 25 Oct 2011 at 10:26 am

    Nope never suggested that at all, simply stated back in the day we didnt have seat belts and safety seats that is by law mandatory now, a safety precaution that has evolved through car accidents and much of which were fatalities back then, im not saying a helmet is going to say whether a child dies or not, but its my choice if my son wears one and i believe its that extra safety precaution i have in my hands just for the moment. As i said if you didnt catch, it does look tacky and i as a mother will not have him going out the house since he doesnt walk yet in that, and also will not have him in that for years. Its the precaution that helps since all he does is go go go and not a fear in the world. Also agreed, my child will have scrapes and maybe a broken bone here or there, but walking and learning to balance themselves are a little more extreme being the child does this until they can walk or stand on their own without support. Not because they accidently tripped over their shoelace and broke there arm. Theres different scenarios and with my niece suffering her fractured skull it really opened my eyes. Had it not happend i probably would be thinking eh hell be ok, but it was her first fall her entire 9 1/2 months of life, and thats all it took. So, before i end up paying unnecessary medical bills, or therapy, i would spend a few bucks just for a couple months, after that hey kids will be kids but at least i know those baby steps wont be potentially dangerous.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 25 Oct 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Well actually you did suggest exactly that, but whatever. Do what you want, I honestly don’t care, but you will never convince me that healthy babies need helmets.

  13. DGon 14 Jan 2012 at 7:07 pm

    To be honest, I don’t have an opinion one way or the other regarding baby helmets. This back and forth about the Japanese socks is hilarious, and I do hope it continues.

  14. dr jon 18 Feb 2012 at 9:55 am

    I’m a neurologist. You are a knuckle dragging idiot. Brain injuries are entirely possible from falls at typical baby heights and speeds. Stop embarrassing yourself and pull down this post.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 18 Feb 2012 at 11:25 am

    Dr. J – I am awesome. Stop embarrassing yourself and learn how to read, you mouth-breathing, saliva-leaking dolt. Allow me to quote myself… “I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall.” Nobody has made the claim that babies can’t get seriously injured, so before YOU start hurling insults, maybe you should act like the professional you claim to be and lose the knee-jerk attitude. You had a perfectly valid forum to make your case, mr. fancy pants neurologist, but you aren’t even smart enough to actually read what you were commenting on. Welcome to America, all reaction and zero desire to understand! USA #1!!!

    God, I hope you are a better at being a neurologist than you are at not being a stupid dick head.

  16. Nikkion 25 Mar 2012 at 4:16 am

    Before I say anything, let me fully disclose the fact that I have no children of my own. I am also not a doctor, whatever.

    I was raised by an extremely over-protective mother. If this product had existed while I was a baby, you better believe that I would have worn one. Probably constantly. It didn’t help that Utah is full of the most sheltered people in the country due to the religious influence – there were plenty of mothers like mine. Except mine was an atheist, a rare occurrence here.

    I wasn’t allowed to climb trees because I might fall. I wasn’t allowed to learn how to swim until I was 14, because I might drown. I wasn’t allowed to eat hard candy until I was 12, because I might choke. I didn’t get to eat any of my Halloween candy, because someone might have poisoned it.

    I, until I turned eighteen, was not allowed to leave my cul-de-sac unsupervised, because I might get kidnapped. This would make sense if I lived in a ghetto. I lived in a fairly wealthy suburb. In fucking Utah.

    I was also not allowed to drive on the freeway under any circumstance, because someone might hit me.

    Sure, I didn’t choke/drown/get kidnapped. But I also missed out on so many opportunities when I was a child and even as a teenager. To this day I haven’t climbed a tree.

    On top of that, the first time (literally, without exaggeration) I had a hard piece of candy, I choked. Because I’d been sheltered my whole life from it. The first time I drove on the freeway I was scared out of my life because I’d never been allowed to do it before. And I was EIGHTEEN.

    I get sick constantly because my immune system is so lame, because my mom never let me get sick.

    Forget about me having a good social life, because I was never allowed to DO ANYTHING because I MIGHT decide to drink or smoke or whatever (which I never would have in the first place).

    Oh. I also didn’t use a stove until I was 16.

    I understand the fear of your child getting hurt. I have worked in a daycare/preschool for two years (the kids range from 5 months to six years old), and I see them for hours on a daily basis. I have bonded with grown to love all of those children and I would never, EVER want to see them break their arm or suffer a brain injury. But, should the fear of something happening to your child prevent you from letting them do it?

    When you go out to a restaurant, there is the possibility you could get food poisoning. Does that prevent you from eating there? No. If you hadn’t, you might have missed out on a great meal. And on the flip side, if you did, get sick, you learn not to eat at said establishment again.
    When you go see a movie, there is the possibility you could hate it. But, more often than not, you give it a chance. If you do hate it? At least you tried.

    Life is *about* taking risks, failing, and learning from those failures.

    I’m not saying that parents who buy this product are wrong, because their intentions are good, but you CANNOT live in fear of what might happen, or only see the worst-possible outcome in every situation. While I can’t speak for everyone, I commented and said these things because I feel that most parents who will buy this product are going to parent like my mother. All you’re going to get out of that type of parenting is a child who will be unprepared for the slap reality hits you with, and will have missed out on some great opportunities.

    And, lastly, no one I know had helmets growing up, and none have suffered brain injuries. And their parents are usually outstanding.

  17. Nikkion 25 Mar 2012 at 4:32 am

    I’m also not saying to let your children run freely without care. But don’t shelter them. Bruises and bumps are part of chilhood. Think back on your own childhood. 🙂 babies, too. They’re fragile, but we’ve gone through thousands of years without helmets just fine.

  18. You Just Made My List!on 25 Mar 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Nikki – Your childhood sounds like a nightmare. You really did miss out on a lot of great stuff, and I’m not being sarcastic when I say that. Those are years you will never get back and experiences you will never know. I honestly feel bad for you. Sadly, the kind of overly-protective parent who thinks putting a helmet on a healthy child is normal would totally disagree with me.

  19. leslieon 08 Apr 2012 at 2:24 pm

    you don’t have an infant and hard wood floors.

  20. You Just Made My List!on 08 Apr 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Leslie – Wait a minute, you didn’t carpet your entire house, including the walls and driveway, when you had your baby? What a terrible mother, you should be ashamed. I hope DCFS takes your poor child away!

  21. Annaon 21 Apr 2012 at 11:15 pm

    To the trash mouth, degenerate, who thinks he knows it all:(You just made my list): GET A LIFE! I hope you are not a parent you psycho! You probally are some crazy , disgusting guy who stalks playgrounds! Every has an opnion—deal with it loser!

  22. You Just Made My List!on 21 Apr 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Anna – So let’s put your incredibly rational and intelligent logic to the test… “Every(one) has an opinion” but those who share their opinions are “losers.” However, you are allowed to share your nonsensical opinion about me but somehow you are not also a loser? You are a FUCKING IDIOT and it’s ME who prays YOU are not a parent, you lowlife asshole motherfucking piece of shit! Enough “trash mouth” for you, you cocksucking fuck-face cocksucker cock-face cock?

    God that feels so good! I need some more, you donkey dick, shit-for-brains moron.

    Let’s meet in 20 years and see who has the more awesome kids. Spoiler alert, it will be me.

    Asshole. Shit. Fuck.

  23. Nealon 25 Jul 2012 at 9:19 am

    Have you finished your great American novel or are you still trolling about for minimum wage?

  24. You Just Made My List!on 25 Jul 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Neal – Wow, you came back after all this time just to leave that comment? That was the best you could muster up after two years?!?!

    Actually my life is about as good as it gets, thanks for asking. I own 2 businesses and live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, Hawaii. From this very desk, If I turn my head about 30 degrees to the right I can see a stunning view of the Pacific ocean and one of the neighboring islands. Every day I wake up next to my beautiful, smart, hilarious and super cool girlfriend and look forward to another perfect day. When I say perfect day, I really mean it, the weather on our side of the island is fucking PERFECT every god damn day! Because I work for myself, I obviously set my own hours, so if I feel like going snorkeling in the middle of the day… guess what Neal, I go snorkeling… in the middle of the day. I should also mention that my girlfriend and I are starting a third company, and this one is going to be the one to really makes us rich. Not that money is my main goal in life, but let’s not kid ourselves Neal, more money is always nice. It’s funny that you joked about my “great American novel” because I have had book offers but I turned them down because I realized I simply didn’t want to write a book. A lesser man would have blindly taken the money but not me. You see Neal, I have structured my life in such a way that allows me to mostly only do things that make me happy and if something will not enrich my life I try to avoid it. I still work my ass off every day but I’m doing it on my terms. I realized a few years ago that we only have ourselves to blame for our shitty lives and if you want to live in Hawaii then fucking move to Hawaii and shut up about it. I did.

    I just gave you the secret to life Neal but I fear you will ignore it because you simply came here to hurl one of the most sad and predictable insults on the internet, not soak up my wisdom.

    One thing I really love about Hawaii? The fact that parents don’t overly-baby their kids here. Oh Neal, it would make your head explode if you saw how young kids are when they start playing in the waves here. What a horrible life they have, frolicking without helmets (or even life vests!) in the waters of Hawaii.

    So to sum it all up for you Neal, everything you say is wrong… still.