Sep 19 2008

Bret Michaels, his bandana, his wig and his pink pussy mouth!

Published by at 3:00 am under Crappy Music,Sucky TV,Why?!?

Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!

Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.

I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”

What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.

Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Bret Michaels, his bandana, his wig and his pink pussy mouth!”

  1. Navisionon 19 Sep 2008 at 10:33 am

    You just made my list for even knowing about that video… I feel dumber and actually vomited when I saw that clip. Please, please, please tell me that is not real… PLEASE!!!!!

    He does have pretty hair though…

  2. You Just Made My List!on 19 Sep 2008 at 11:17 am

    Navision, Come on, you know you want to see “A Letter From Death Row” now. It looks amazing! It’s so typical for the Academy Awards to pass over a wonderful film like this only because it’s an independent production. I wonder if I can get this on netflix, I NEED to see it.

  3. LLGon 19 Sep 2008 at 12:06 pm

    The most horrible thing is that I must now gouge out my eyeballs after seeing that clip. I liked having sight. Made it easier to appreciate sunrises and mountainscapes. Now I’ll just have to soak up the pinks and yellows of the sun by the warmth on my face and the crisp rocky pattern of mountains against a blue sky by the cold wind slapping my face. Damn you, Mr. Michaels. Damn you. Actually. I might have to rip off my ears from hearing the dialogue, too. You definitely deserve writing kudos if you know that when a person says, “Son”, it will show he’s lower class and maybe from the south. Or even better, if they say, “boy”.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:15 pm

    LLG, I am very very very sorry, although I guess you can’t read this thanks to your recent blindness. I am going to contact Bret and see if he will play a benefit concert for you. Maybe he will even put you on his lap! Just make sure and take a powerful shower after.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:19 pm

    “A good writer can make the mind imagine. I great writer can make the mind BELEIVE.” – Bret Michael Sychak.

  6. LLGon 19 Sep 2008 at 12:29 pm

    I’ll figure something out, your ability to “powerbitch” about things that annoy the sane 5% of the world might help give me strength to see and hear again. Of course. Then I might not get my Bret Benefit Concert and who can pass that up? Powerful shower = ten gallons of bleach and a pair of tweezers, right?

  7. You Just Made My List!on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:33 pm

    LLG, first of all “powerbitch” is the greatest thing I have ever heard. Secondly, if you do sit on Bret’s lap wear a condom. Maybe put your hands in condoms as well.

  8. T-Ravon 19 Sep 2008 at 1:06 pm

    Something else that should make your list today…National Talk Like a Pirate Day and the People That Celebrate It.I cannot stand people that actually do this,I used to come across customers that did this when I worked at a family fun center,and I found it horrendous.I’m not particularly a fan of pirates,but this is just ridiculous,it’s a small percentage of people that honor this day,but it still sucks and for the most part,these people should get a life.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 19 Sep 2008 at 3:35 pm

    T-Rav, I think you just put it on the list yourself! Good call, that sounds super ANNOYING! I am only vaguely aware of this “holiday” and will continue to not celebrate it each year.

  10. Mikeon 21 Sep 2008 at 4:57 pm

    You strike me as a very Bret Michaelsesque person yourself, what with all your use of “vagina” and “douchebag” and “balls” and such. It’s not just that…you just seem to be trying awfully hard to come off irate. After reading a few pages into your blog I’m starting to wish you would gouge your eyes out or staple this or that part of your body shut as you claim to want to do so often. Now I’ve nothing about a tactfully placed vulgarity, but you’re really beating it senseless here. I understand it’s your ‘thing’ or whatever, but it really falls flat after a couple posts.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 21 Sep 2008 at 5:15 pm

    Mike, What the fucking balls are you talking about? I guess in some ways I AM like Bret Michaels. We are both huge douchebags and we both wear wigs. Fuck, balls. Vagina. Sorry, it’s hard for me to stop. Fart.

    If only you knew me personally you would realize that I have no need to pretend to be angry or irate. Trust me and my balls when I say there are A LOT of things that get me upset. Sometimes I just go Fucking balls out crazy!

    I am going to miss you as a reader, I only hope you take the time to click on one of my google ads before you leave us forever so I can make another $.15. I am sorry if you were expecting more out of me but sadly I am a disappointment to most people. Blogs are stupid and I am living proof. Penis and vagina.

    Mike, your fucking balls will be missed. You were never a shitty douchebag like me and for that I honor you and your balls. THREE CHEERS FOR MIKE!

  12. Mikeon 21 Sep 2008 at 5:31 pm

    Ah, sarcasm…such a powerful weapon. No need to get upset (but what’s one more drop in the barrel?), I’m sure I’ll check back from time to time to see what you’re ranting about. Hell, I’ll even make sure I exit through one of your google ads, enjoy the dough!
    Just for the record, I agree with about 90% this stuff. Soldiering through page after page of the same thing gets tiring, so I’ll just take mine in moderation, thanks.
    Enjoy your balls.

  13. You Just Made My List!on 21 Sep 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Group hug! Honestly Mike, I write this blog in a stream of consciousness kind of way. I sit down and write the post with very little editing. Am I dumb and childish sometimes? Yes. Is this an act? no.

    I’m not a professional writer and sometimes I suck (balls) but at the very least I have to write in my own voice. Even if that voice smells like balls. I can’t help it.

    If I was in the same room as you Mike I would now high five you! We would share a beer and talk about the good things Bret Michaels has done. Hell, Bret could even share that beer with us. I would want him to use a straw though and to be honest I would probably not take any more sips after he had a drink. I would say “look at that horse Bret” and pour out a little beer while he wasn’t looking so he wouldn’t feel insulted.

    P.S. Everyone, I encourage and even enjoy negative comments. It would be hard for me to cry about it when I all I do is complain about other people.

  14. Mikeon 21 Sep 2008 at 5:58 pm

    That was actually pretty funny. If you’re ever around Phoenix, I’ll buy you a beer. I’m sure there will be plenty of “Oh, I hate that too!”‘s. Just make sure to brush your teeth first…I’m not too keen on the smell of balls (even my own).

  15. You Just Made My List!on 21 Sep 2008 at 6:13 pm

    Nobody is Mike, nobody.

  16. Mr. Kickers Sr.on 21 Sep 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Those wax figures of Brett are so life like. But, they still haven’t perfected the hair…

    Mike writes like someone is making him “soldier through page after page” of your blog. Usually when I get tired of something I simply stop reading, watching, or listening to it. That was a odd exchange between you two. At times it seemed like you guys couldn’t decide if you were going to fuck or fight each other.

    I agree with Mike. You really ought to tone down your sarcasm. There really is no place for it in your personal blog. Watch the language also. My children read this thing (when they aren’t looking at porn).

  17. MalaSuerteon 22 Sep 2008 at 2:26 pm

    I go from hearing Martin Sheen singing hymns on A Prairie Home Companion to…. this.
    He’s versatile??

    Bret Michaels’ eyeliner is always PERFECT. Fuck that.
    I used to think it was a tattoo… but he’s not wearing any in this trailer… soo…. he’s better with the Maybelline than I am. Douchebag.

    Oh yeah… hooray for everyone’s balls!!

  18. Bennon 26 Oct 2008 at 6:04 am

    BALLS!