Sep 22 2008

Corporate team building retreats!

Published by at 3:00 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.

For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.

Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”

Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.

Be Sociable, Share!

8 comments so far

8 comments to “Corporate team building retreats!”

  1. MalaSuerteon 22 Sep 2008 at 2:33 pm

    You’re not mad about the team building, man. You’re ashamed ’cause you went along with it. Holding hands and smiling, drinking the fucking Kool-Aid, and now you’re pissed cause you’re not the non-conformist you thought you were.

    How’s THAT for a negative comment?
    Back in my office days, I went to a couple. I would either dead-face Mr Happy Organizer Guy and do NOTHING or talk massive shit and create a disturbance. Either way, I got out of it early. Now I work all by myself. Go figure.

    There may be no ‘I’ in team, but if I try, I can get ‘me’ out of it.

  2. Creature of Habiton 22 Sep 2008 at 3:01 pm

    Hahaa- I love the idea of you at one of these things…I can’t imagine it ever happening though.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2008 at 3:12 pm

    It’s true, I am bitter because I had to attend one of these stupid things. The best part was that our “team” only consisted of 6 people. We spent the day coloring and playing with toys. I was suicidal. It was almost like an experiment to see how much one person could take before snapping.

  4. MalaSuerteon 22 Sep 2008 at 5:07 pm

    next time, two words: explosive diahorrea.

    no retreat for you.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Mala, HA!If I ever has a real job again I will be sure to shit my pants like crazy to get out of any retreats. Seems totally logical.

  6. civilchickon 25 Sep 2008 at 2:10 pm

    It’s “activities” like these that are the justification for my weekend binge drinking…ok ok…and my weekday binge drinking too…and sometimes lunch

  7. You Just Made My List!on 25 Sep 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Corporate America, Keeping Binge Drinking Alive!

  8. Jakeon 17 Feb 2009 at 4:44 pm

    I would agree that most corporate attempts at team-building are as ridiculously lame as they are half-hearted. if they actually meant to build a team, they’d probably be awesome – and dangerous to the company. So, they do this bullshit as an excuse.

    Drums are not categorically kids’ instruments – playing and teaching them is MY job, which sure as hell beats being in a cubicle fantasizing about killing my coworkers.