Apr 18 2011

Cold Stone Creamery!

Published by at 3:30 am under I Don't Get It

coldstone stone creamery sucks

You know what I like even better than overly-complicated ice cream with tons of shit in it? Overly-complicated ice cream prepared on a dirty table. And if you could make the whole excruciating experience take about 20 minutes, that would be fantastic.

You know what, don’t even use the scoops. Seriously, just get your filthy hands right in there. I want to see my ice cream squeeze between your disgusting fingers like pus flowing from a boil. Fuck it, just throw the whole mess on the floor and stir it up with your penis.

    59 comments so far

    59 comments to “Cold Stone Creamery!”

    1. rachelon 18 Apr 2011 at 8:57 am

      …and then charge me 10 bucks for it.

    2. calebon 18 Apr 2011 at 9:20 am

      isn’t that the place where the employees yell out things and sing sea shanties every few minutes?

      my sister used to work at one of those. she said she’d never eat at one after seeing the conditions behind the counter.

    3. Seanon 18 Apr 2011 at 11:47 am

      I immediately thought of this analogy –

      cold stone: ice cream:: crispy creame: donuts

      Both take something essentially good (ice cream/donuts) and turn them into something shitty and super lame.

      I’m surprised you didn’t talk about the bullshit where they are REQUIRED to sing a fucking gay-ass song when you put money in the tip jar (not to mention they are forced to say ‘hi, welcome to cold-stone :)’ every time someone enters the store). This had to come from some corporate asshole who has no experience in the real world and wants anyone who works there to want to kill themselves.

    4. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 12:19 pm

      Yes, Sean, the nerve! I’ve only been twice in the years that I have known them to be in existence. The first time, I was startled out of my wits when they suddenly broke into a shouting “sea shanty” (totally perfect description, Caleb) as someone was leaving. We asked them wtf, and they gave the speel about having to break into song when someone tips them. I’m thinking this would be counterproductive, since no one wants to hear that shite. So, to prove my point, I didn’t tip. Went into one in Tahoe recently, and as I walked in the door, I said “I’ll give you $5 if you don’t sing at all while I’m in here”. No singing occurred. It’s the lamest marketing ploy I have ever seen.

    5. Seanon 18 Apr 2011 at 1:31 pm

      To be fair, I don’t mind being greeted when I go into a store. But it is super annoying when they are REQUIRED to robotically say ‘hiwelcometocoldstonehowcanihelpyou’ regardless of how busy the place is, and usually in that creepy faux-cheerful voice. Most of the people who work there are dopey teenagers who don’t give a fuck, but have to sing and do all this annoying shit because their supervisors will get mad at them for not doing it.

    6. Lawrenceon 18 Apr 2011 at 1:44 pm

      I love Cold Stone.

    7. Lawrenceon 18 Apr 2011 at 1:45 pm

      I also love crayons and spears.

    8. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 2:07 pm

      I know nothing of the singing of sea shanties because I have only wasted my time in this place twice. I shall turn to Youtube now for evidence (don’t sue me Charlene!)

    9. saraon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:18 pm

      do they still sing if you whip pocket change at them and yell “SING! SING FOR NICKELS!!” ?


    10. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:18 pm

      Listy, I’ve decided to change the meaning of the word “Charlene” to now mean “fucked up”. So, if you drink too much, you can get Charlened. What do you think?

    11. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 3:24 pm

      That’s too fun for her. I would suggest using her name to describe something that is a buzz-kill.

    12. Lawrenceon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:33 pm

      I was having a great time at the park with my niece, but it was totally “Charlened” by a pack of hungry wolves.

    13. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:46 pm

      Ok – This homeless dude just “Charlened” all over himself. Oh, the stentch…..

    14. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:50 pm

      Question for you, Listy. I am not a computer tech, (although I play one on TV). Is there a way for you to know if Charlene is looking at your blog? I mean, I know you can see someone’s ISP if they leave a comment, but can you tell if she does a drive by? Looks but does not leave a comment. I’m kinda curious if she’s peeping.

    15. saraon 18 Apr 2011 at 3:53 pm

      We did this with a word before and I can’t for the life of me remember it….now I just wasted 1/2 hour looking through old posts and found myself re-reading Kidical Mass and Bro’s Icing Bros.

      “He totaly charlened our date when he brought up his herpes”

    16. Audreyon 18 Apr 2011 at 4:03 pm

      Dear Mr. Listy,
      I’ve just discovered your website. I’ve been going over a million ways to introduce myself in my first ever comment. You’re pure genius, but I shouldn’t be giving you more of an ego boost. You already exclaim that you’re awesome in almost every blog post. Ha, your twitter cracks me up. I don’t even like keeping track of other peoples’ stupid lives, but when I came across your website, I thought I was reading my own thoughts on the internet. I’ve concluded that besides my best friend, I am the only one of my kind. I pretty much hate EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. And when I say I’m the only one of my kind, I mean because of my age. I’m in 9th grade and at school I basically want to stab all the raccoon eyed, Aeropostale wearing girls there. Oh, I’m really not violent, this is the only way I can express my anger. People are idiots. I admire your work. I actually have a bunch of obnoxious fan girl questions, but those can wait, haha.
      – Audrey.

    17. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 4:04 pm

      I’m sure she has been checking out my site in order to build her legal case against me and all of you. I haven’t really bothered trying to monitor her activity here, unlike Charlene, I don’t care if people disagree with me. She can leave all the comments she wants. I would LOVE a chance to openly debate her on the subject. She would never do it though because she knows she’s wrong.

    18. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 4:08 pm

      Welcome Audrey. Don’t stab anyone but feel free to vent. There are a lot of things to hate about this hell hole, so prepare yourself for a long life of being angry. It’s really the best way. I started to hate everything around your age too. Ahhhhh, the good old days.

      People are idiots but I am awesome and you should continue to worship my every word. I’m never wrong, it’s weird.

    19. Lawrenceon 18 Apr 2011 at 4:26 pm

      I hope she is reading these comments. Here’s why…

      Under that stupid post where one lucky random commenter will get toilet paper.

      There’s two comments, both seemingly really interested in winning some shit paper. One of them is mine. The only way to figure out which one would be to delete BOTH comments.


      Lawrence 3 Charlene 0

    20. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 4:33 pm

      You have coaxed a rare LOL out of my mouth. Yeah that’s right, I L’ed OUT LOUD!

    21. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 4:45 pm

      Lawr – LMFAO Seriously dude, I do hope you win the shit pape. Is there a photo op in it?

    22. Audreyon 18 Apr 2011 at 4:49 pm

      Well thanks for replying. And I will, this is brilliant.

    23. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 5:24 pm

      I have a feeling everything I write about henceforth will eventually turn back into a discussion about Charlene. I think I’m OK with that. Hell, I might even start liking Guy Fieri.

    24. Diss Contenton 18 Apr 2011 at 5:35 pm

      Of course I had to check out Lawrence’s craftsmanship and discovered the TP contest was gaining some traction and leaving skid marks in the race to be greenest.

      Now there is an entrant who recused herself since the Scott Toilet Paper is not a truly green product like the Small Steps Toilet Paper since it is not made from trees but Roswell alien bodies or something close to that.

      So rest easy after eating that meal with Gulf of Mexico shrimp which is flown in fresh along with that Maine lobster packed in a Styrofoam, single use cooler. Rejoice in the sanitary conditions brought to your commode via bleach, chlorine and 1.6 gallons of potable water per flush, because that bit of personal hygiene is what will save the world.

      Well that and the legal and wholesome use of YouTube videos.

    25. JulieJulieJulieon 18 Apr 2011 at 7:22 pm

      Listy, Lawrence, Miss Diss – the other poster on Char’s site was ME, me, ME!!! hahahahahaahaha! I wanted to sound really earnest – did it work? I hope so and I hope I win that stupid contest. If I win, my plan is to put her image on the toilet paper, then tell her I plan to wipe my ass with it.

      And Sara – I think you might (maybe) had been thinking of an exchange I had with listy about having Guy Fieri’s name mean something disgusting – like Santorum. Or maybe not.

    26. Lawrenceon 18 Apr 2011 at 7:31 pm

      So out of the 3 posts, only ONE of them is for real. HA HA!

      So if we hadn’t done that, the “random” winner would’ve been selected out of one person.

      Julie + Lawrence 64 Winner

      Charlene -4000 Loser

    27. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 8:00 pm

      Oh, Listy. You and your moods. That’s why we love you. I’m happy to eventually turn every conversation into a Charlene rant. Fine by me, dude.

    28. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 8:05 pm

      Oh, and JJJ, I might be wrong, but I remember Diss taking a standing pee, so I think Diss might be a mister and not a miss.

    29. You Just Made My List!on 18 Apr 2011 at 8:10 pm

      Julie – That is so awesome, I can barely stand it! When one of you guys wins, we need to have some sort of toilet paper party. Perhaps we make this the first year of Char-Con!

    30. 2pacon 18 Apr 2011 at 9:25 pm

      Hey everybody, I just discovered that I was blocked from her website.

      Now there are two ways you can go about bypassing this:
      1) Proxy Servers – just go onto somewhere like btunnel and access her site from there
      The only problem with proxy servers is that they’re a bit sluggish and are just generally a pain in the ass to work with.

      The method I use instead is #2:
      2) Type in HTTPS instead of HTTP – you know how there’s the “http” stuff in front of the website?
      (Example: http://www.charlenechronicles.com/)
      Just type in an “s” after the “http” on the website URL and you’ll be able to access her website even if your IP is banned.
      (Final product: https://www.charlenechronicles.com/)


    31. Lilyon 18 Apr 2011 at 9:44 pm

      Yes, they do indeed sing. Some of them will even dance. They ALWAYS sing if you tip them, which is exactly why I never tip them.

    32. LG Chickon 18 Apr 2011 at 9:49 pm

      Char-Con! Yes! Let’s do this thing.

    33. Lawrenceon 19 Apr 2011 at 7:31 am

      She tried to block me too, but she failed. This chick would do amazing things in North Korea.

      Charlene, if you’re reading this, mommy bloggers suck at comptuers.

    34. Jackieon 19 Apr 2011 at 7:34 am

      When Charlene talks about using the Clarisonic Pro™ on her “chest area,” I nearly squirted.


      I wanna see her take that thing all the way downtown.

      I can hardly wait for the Scott shitpaper contest winner to be announced. She is doing it again for several weeks, which means more opportunities for for more off-kilter entries. NB: Hybrid?

    35. Diss Contenton 19 Apr 2011 at 10:12 am

      I have always relied on the humor of strangers.
      Lawrence and Julie+2 most certainly did not disappoint.

      Without profit motive or government mandate they took the beachhead of smug toilet paper users without detection and inseminated the host.

      It is just this sort of action that makes them, the few, the proud, the Listerines.

    36. LG Chickon 19 Apr 2011 at 1:29 pm

      When I clicked on this blog this morning, and saw the photo of the mess of ice cream, it reminded me of how gross their display of toppings are. They are just a bunch of broken cookies and broken candy pieces, and it looks like a candy counter after an earthquake has hit. Ugh! A mess.

    37. Benon 20 Apr 2011 at 8:14 am

      I can’t wait to see the results of Charlene’s TP contest! There are a few more entries now and I’m sure that most of them are Listy’s fans.

    38. calebon 20 Apr 2011 at 4:27 pm

      this is off-topic, but I thought you’d get a kick out of this article – I’m not really sure if it’s a joke or not, but it is humorous.


    39. calebon 20 Apr 2011 at 4:28 pm

      after re-reading it i’ve decided that yes, it has to be a joke.

    40. You Just Made My List!on 20 Apr 2011 at 5:52 pm

      Real or not, I always like to stay on top of my Guy Fieri news.

    41. Bobcatson 20 Apr 2011 at 8:25 pm

      I’m too lazy to read the rest of the comments so if someone already said this…too bad.

      I’m alerting Cold Creamery of this copyright infringement.

      You have been served.

    42. Bobcatson 20 Apr 2011 at 8:26 pm

      COLD STONE. excellent.

    43. Jessicaon 20 Apr 2011 at 9:43 pm

      I just came across your blog looking for information about Nadia G and what hole she crawled from under and if she could be killed with a wooden stake with a silver tip.

      I didn’t find any of those things, but it’s good to know someone else things she’s an obnoxious bint.

    44. MosesZDon 24 Apr 2011 at 4:50 pm

      Coldstone… I got ice cream there once… No way am I going to eat ice cream some dirty-handed teenager stirred up on a salmonella-infested, dirty-slab that hasn’t been cleaned in hours, if not days…

    45. bob each wayon 25 Apr 2011 at 7:05 am

      Hey I’m in New Zealand and had no idea what you were on about. So I had to watch this:


      And. Creeps and shudders. And visions of violence.

      Could they just … not?

    46. bob each wayon 25 Apr 2011 at 7:08 am

      Although, if they used Charlene’s broken-nose-out-of-joint blood for flavouring I might just be tempted. Especially with the floor/penis mix combo.

    47. You Just Made My List!on 25 Apr 2011 at 9:09 am

      Bob – That video hurt my feelings. However, seeing a Charlene joke travel all the way around the planet might just be my proudest moment. Thank you.

    48. Emon 25 May 2011 at 2:22 pm

      The best part? That over priced ice cream tastes like favorless shit!
      Yeah but seriously… don’t get the mint ice cream if you want your ice cream to taste like.. mint.

    49. UndieWhereon 08 Jul 2011 at 11:32 am

      Holy shit balls! Yeah I know, right? Highly mature and oh so ladylike, but fuck it! Im in heaven because I just discovered this site! How I have longed for such a place as this! While poking around, I couldnt help but be the most fascinated with this ball-busting, pathetically boring, useless waste of space Charlene person! My grades in high school were less than stellar and I skipped so much school, my Mom actually let them give me swats! But I was pretty and popular and knew that would come in handy somehow, some way lol. No matter how many times I was told looks fade and get you no where without an education….but in the immortal words of Jim & Tammy Faye Baker, I say this…. PTL, PTL! I was right! If I had grown up and turned out like that ‘ole Charlene gal, Im fairly certain I would have put myself (as well as others) out of my misery! Her videos on youtube…well, thete just arent words!

    50. Johnon 13 Dec 2011 at 3:00 pm

      Bitch about it much? Don’t go there, it’s that simple. You can read the fucking menu before you order so why are you going to bitch about spending $10 when you were the one who chose to order it. Do you not see that the menu board takes up basically the ENTIRE establishment in HUGE BOLD FONT? You guys are all fucking morons. Honestly, get the fuck over it and go to Walmart and get your diabetes filled life at half the price, at least then maybe your dumbass can show up on the website People of Walmart where everyone can point and laugh at how moronic you probably look.

    51. You Just Made My List!on 13 Dec 2011 at 3:11 pm

      John – The irony of YOU bitching for an entire paragraph about how others should not bitch is priceless. Not to mention, I’ve never seen anyone become so emotional about their love for Cold Stone Creamery. Jesus Christ dude, maybe try manning up a little. Drink a beer, watch some porn! Oh wait, maybe you are 6-years-old, in which case it’s forgivable to cry about ice cream.

    52. COLD STONE LOVERon 13 May 2012 at 3:19 am

      WOW!! I am reading this shit and all you people say cold stone sucks. GO fuck your self. I work for Cold Stone and i love it to death! And btw # caleb We try are best to make sure its clean. its not easy when you have to help people. ANd its not like your ice cream is touching the shit on the tables. it touchs the stone and only the stone and we have to make sure the spot is clean and nothibng will get in the person ice cream that they dont want. Come to the Cold Stone in COLORADO off of 120th and washington store number 1017 and we will show you a great time in the store to nmake you always wanna come back!

    53. You Just Made My List!on 13 May 2012 at 4:29 pm

      Cold Stoner – I’m surprised by your butchering of the English language that you were actually able to read my post at all. Three cheers for small accomplishments!

    54. Benon 15 May 2012 at 1:33 pm

      I’m so glad that dumbass people keep sending you hate mail and you keep replying to old posts! It makes it worthwhile to come back and have another look at everything.

    55. You Just Made My List!on 15 May 2012 at 2:36 pm

      Ben – I am awesome.

    56. jessieon 25 May 2012 at 11:52 pm

      This is a poor excuse for a stone! A cold stone and that is the worst stone I have ever seen I am so sorry that your ice cream was made on that. at the store that i work at we have way better stone conditions than that

    57. IrishLuvon 04 Jun 2012 at 3:51 pm

      I love coldstone and Irish dancing!!

    58. Kellieon 19 May 2013 at 4:48 pm

      Thank you so much for the warning Listy. I’ll never get ice cream from Cold Stone after I saw that picture!!!!

    59. Sydneyon 19 Aug 2013 at 6:29 pm

      Wow, I work at cold stone, and our stone is clean, and we don’t sing! Not all cold stones are like this.